Friday, January 1, 2016

getting up off the mat.

I remember reading this post card at the Storyline Conference I was at a couple of months ago and scoffing at it.  I went to be with people that I liked and was getting to know and why the hell not! This is a special year for me and I'm going to do things, like traveling to visit new friends, even when it is not the thing I would normally make time to do.
So as I was sitting there in my chair, I looked down and it was on the binder and on the cute canvas bag. This phrase: It's not crazy to chase your dreams. And I thought, "I really wish they would have put a different mantra on these because the branding is really good."  It was that silent moment of awful judgment where my heart was grabbed. I think I felt a whisper or something sitting on the scratchy tweed. A pleasant draft hit my cheek as someone got up and rushed past me. You know what I'm talking about. It's their perfume + the air and sometimes, when the smell is docile enough, it's sort of nice that other people smell good.  Maybe it was more the feeling of hope swirling around my face. "Could that really be true?". 

I get all weird about people chasing passions and dreams because I know that it will lead to emptiness. You know, getting the dream job, or having the baby, or traveling like you wanted to. You will get there and it won't touch your satisfaction meter but for 10 days max before you find something else you need to chase. So I just don't chase them. I stay. I'm a stayer. It's been a good skill for me to learn not to chase everything that passes by, to be quiet, to sit. But then, somewhere in my staying, I forgot how to get back up again when it was time. 

There is a time for staying and a time for going. I think I know this? Nothing ever stays the same for us, because we don't even stay the same. If you ask me who I was last year at this time, I will smile the knowing smile and tell you that I'm so different. By the grace of God, I'm so different than I was last year. I'm softer in body and the lines around my eyes but also softer in my soul. In my judgements--although they are still there and sometimes very loud and annoying. But I'm not as hard as I used to be About the way you do what you do. Because maybe it's time for me to sit and for you to go. Maybe it's time for you to rally the cause while I rest. Maybe it's time for me to go to battle while you make sure the home stays kept. "It's really ok to all be at different  places, last year self," I would say with my hands up around my last year's cheeks. 

And maybe it's time for me to get up off of my mat and no longer be paralyzed by cynicism. The draftiness of hope dances on these cheeks and asks me to dream. It's a smiling God with soft hands asking me to come with him and I'm not sure where I'm going except that it's with him. The chasing will be with him. I can always expect that, because although I always change, He didin't. This whole time. The same God that asked me to stay put all these years is asking me to get up now and run with expectation. 

I feel breathy and awkward. Like when you run with someone while holding hands and you can't quite get your gait. But I'm laughing too hard to even care to stop, even though the destination ahead is whited out with a sunny glare. I guess I don't have to know the place up ahead. 
The reward, as I have always said to myself, is not the destination but the withness with God. He is the prize, not the thing we're trying to grab with our grabby hands. As I have mulled this around in my head for weeks and weeks tied together on a string to make months, I am really starting to believe that it's ok to chase my dreams. After all, I didn't come up with them anyway.  Not for the dreams sake, but for the hand-holding, awkward, breathy run across the sun-glared field. The sweaty palms, the ache in my side, how he turns back to look at me laughing. It's this that I was made for. 

12 comments:

  1. My mom, sister and I were literally just talking about this today. About this year, and feeling the desire to chase after dreams and how that wasn't wrong. How, in our desire to seek Him and not a handout, we'd grown jaded and judgey and bought into the lie that He can only teach us through hard things and patient endurance. The Lord showed me that this belief is just as damning and harmful as a me-centered prosperity mindset.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. betsiiiiiii!!! yes. let's just stop. move forward. live free and joyfully.

      Delete
  2. Beautiful. I'm cheering for you. Grateful to know you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. cheerleaders. the lord new we would need them. thank you for your kind words.

      Delete
  3. I am totally connecting with this! For me, it's a move from the city I have lived in since I was three. It's where my children were born and if you had asked me a year ago if I would move, I would have said "no way! " But here we are and only through the loving grace of God can I say I am truly excited and at peace. God has been preparing all of this and I know he's got this!!! Looking forward to seeing what He will do with our lives if we can just trust in Him!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. so many things i have said NO WAY to. ha. and then…yep. i'm doing this? ha

      Delete
  4. "After all, I didn't come up with them anyway." love this! I amended this quote a bit and wrote it on the front of my yearly planner. may that be our prayer this year.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Replies
    1. thanks so much! your words mean a lot. xo

      Delete
  6. This is so, so wise. God has such an amazing plan for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you are a sweet angel. thanks for your kind words.

      Delete

leave a message after the beep.