Oh hey. I am writing here again. This is fun and weird. Do you even know how to handle it? Has someone taken over Jami's account? This is like, you know, how she used to write when she was a "blogger".
January woke me up. And I'm not sure what to attribute to the change except getting out of the way of myself. This makes no sense when I explain it that way. But hear me out.
I was feeling like I really wanted to change in some areas.
But you're not good at follow through.
But you haven't changed in that area for 5 years.
But you're really better at making fun of the people that actually try.
My self talk is horrendous. And guess what, I want to be kinder to myself this year. It's a resolution! Judge me. (Because guess what? Your judging or non judging has no pull on whether I get my task done or not! I somehow forgot this tasty morsel of truth.) But After reading Brene's new book, Rising Strong, she called me out on the Ugly self talk. When you fail, talk to yourself like you would a friend who failed. YOUCH.
Here's the deal, I really love the freedom in grace to not measure up. I basked in it for quite some years and needed to. I actually don't think that's one bit bad, in fact, it was healing. But can I learn something new of her? Is there only one side of the coin or is Grace always lending itself to be seen in immeasurable ways, like God? I vote immeasurable!
It's only been 4 days into January and I have been finding such joy in not being a cynic again. So much so that it has freed me to simply do things. I'm free to do something without passing judgement on myself or the thing I have a desire to do. It's sort of been a cloud over me that blocks vision. And I mean that literally and figuratively. It's hard to see, people. REALLY see them when you think they are just doing that thing because they are self-interested ass holes. Sure, those are strong words but I'm feeling ok to make peace with my past judgmental self by calling it what it was. Why do I have to be on the high seat and judge everyone's motives and if what they are doing is "ok"? It's really exhausting and it's not a joyful way to live. I don't remember cynicism being apart of my childhood thoughts. I do, however, remember being excited about new ideas and taking others at their word pretty easily. I was happy. I was less worried. I was way less stressed.
So when I look back at my adult life, I think my biggest hinderance was me. Me getting in the way of myself. Me as the bully to myself. Me as the deterrent. There's only a certain amount of effort I was willing to put into a task or a secret goal because… failure lurks! I wrote about that in my last post.
I want to do XYZ.
Well ...but I feel like I need to be at this point before I even step towards that.
Plus, I'm not good at what XYZ really requires.
And remember that one time I sort of did XYZ?
No wonder I had no energy to do XYZ. I had already exhausted myself emotionally before I could even take one step forward. And so I did nothing. I was squandering my talents that were given specific to me, to use in my sphere of influence for this very time. It's just that plain and simple. I do know that God will work my non-doing for good. So as gracious grace would have it, I don't feel guilt about it. And Yet I'm spurred to change.
And so now, If I wanted to get back into yoga. I just do the yoga video. So what if it was just for today? Did I lose anything? NO! I feel stretched. And I actually want to do it again tomorrow .
I wanted to be Open my bible today. I put my study out by my computer. No ugly self talk about slacking in this area, no outlines to read the bible in a year. I just read it before I started working today. Did I lose anything by trying with no expectations? NO! And it filled my soul up. I want to do it again tomorrow.
Trying to do whole 30. I want the cheetos. But I talk to myself like I would a friend. You can do this! not, You have failed at this point 40 times!
This sort of thing over and over again. I am waking up to God in me.
Get behind me, Self. I am ready to start living again.