ya. i know. i've been all quiet on the blog. i sometimes wonder if blogs are a thing of the past because of instagram and twitter and all the other quick things we have that keep us in touch.
but i know blogs are good for one thing -and that's writing. sometimes i write blogstagrams because it's more convenient. but this space is where i actually learned how to write. i didn't have to worry about capitalizing things and saying words all pretty. i didn't have to reference a thesaurus to find a bigger better word for what i was trying to say…i just wrote. i love that quote by ernest hemingway:
“My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way.”
I think there's a lot of flowery christian writing out there and it's popular. so sometimes it crosses my mind that i should be more THAT. but i can't. and i won't. it's not my voice and it's not for me.
i learned that here in this space. i had a unique voice and i didn't need to write like i learned how to in college or how i felt pulled by popular styles. i would just start writing and the strangest things that had been sitting around in my soul would just fall out. I would re read that black on white and i think, i can't believe that was in there. i guess the internets would say i am a verbal processor and writing allowed me to take a moment to think about something other than whatever i was knee deep in for that life stage. i was a mom, covered in spit up and was wiping behinds for the better part of the day but i had things to say. i was learning about life and God and things really hurt me and really encouraged me and i needed some place to put those thoughts. I wanted the theology discussions and chatter but felt like it was a man's world, with resources geared towards men (think: crafting at MOPS as opposed to men's hefty theological book study at 6 am in the morning).
and so i wrote. i was in there and i had things to say and things to think about and i liked discussing it with women in my same life stage. ( 'member when we used to comment on blogs? hashtag takes too much time.)
and i'm so very glad that i did. the past me preaches to the present me. the past me tells me how much i've changed and grown. the past me helps this me remember that life is always changing and it's best not to hold tight to rigid judgements and ungraceful words. i did that all on the internet in front of people and i fell down and got up and did those things 100 more times. it was and is so good to be a blogger in this day and age, i don't care what anyone says.
now, i've moved in a new direction. i am writing a book. a real long book. not essays, like my natural leaning. it's more of a marriage memoir and it is challenging me so much. i hate being challenged. ugh. but the uncomfortable is where i grow the most and where some of (read: ALL OF)my richest life experiences have taken place. so i'm trusting the process.
i may get picked up by a publisher and i may just self publish. who even knows at this point. book-type people are looking at some chapters and it makes me very nervous. it's one thing to write something and hit publish. it's another to write your heart and soul and hear, this isn't for us. or can you change this this and this? or this is too bold for christian marketing.
i have time to figure this all out because i'm not even stinking halfway through. but. i just thought if i keep saying that i'm going to do it, i will have to just do it. because i told you i would. and a lot of the days, i just want to quit because it's a hard story. it's not a funny story. and i would much rather be funny than serious. but alas, for now, these are the words that need to be penned. it's a good story where everything that was broken and dead gets new life again. and those are the stories i can read over and over again.
with that said. will you all pray for me? to not be discouraged and to keep walking ahead in sometimes what feels like a really dimly lit path.
and just thank you for sticking with me all these years. i know i'm not your typical blogger with a schedule and all that. but it means the world to me. i feel like a lot of us have grown up together. or something deep. but haven't we a little?