Friday, March 27, 2015

come-uh come-uh come-uh chameleeeonnnnn

It is day three of husband being out of town and Lord help me, single mom's deserve more than a million dollars + all the donuts + gin and juices on tap.

I stepped in puke on the way up the stairs today while bringing the sick child up to bed tonight. It was clean puke. You know the kind where you have wiped it up, sprayed it down, scrubbed it and it still leaves a spot? In my zeal, I over-sprayed, so it will be wet for the next two years at least.  On the way down, I told myself to miss that step, only I had miss counted the steps and still managed to step in it again. I asked myself and the Lord why I even got a runner for the stairs when the kids are still so little and the Lord was like, these and other questions will be answered at the Pearly Gates. God has jokes, guys.

I came down stairs to pick up a second child to put them to bed, who was wining loudly and clinging, and Pruett , who has yet to crawl, was on all fours crawling unsteadily backwards. American idol's obnoxious jingle was playing in the background and I watched my last baby crawl (the wrong direction) in the midst of bedtime chaos.


I have been thinking a lot about how I want my life to be and how it is not that. I tell myself throughout the day what should have happened and what this or that should look like by now.
all day long.

You should mother better. 
You should not have the stomach pooch by now. With the other babies that was already gone. 
You should probably be eating something other than carbs for breakfast. like a green smoothie. 
You should have said this to that person instead of ----. Sorta screwed that up. 
You shouldhave written more today. You had a couple minutes to spare. 
You should talk to Layne more about his day. He's going to resent you.

I literally do not shut up to myself all damn day.

All the other kids were in bed and it was just me and Pruett on the carpet.  I'm laying there with him watching him scoot and play with a non-children's paperback book and Boy George is in the background talking to the performers with cliche advice, I guess I would just say, Enjoy what's happening.
then me in response, chiming in:
I should do that. 

And I can't. I don't know how, Boy George. I can not, for the life of me, find the magical unicorn that is "balance". Basically, at the end of the day, I feel pretty bad about myself after all the not matching up to my expectations. I mean, there's no way to fancy this up with eloquent words and there's no way to fix my self worth with tired clich├ęs that no one can actually do. unless. well, unless, in a dusting of God's grace, He gifts you with maybe a strong margarita and a glorious moment of clarity where you see how good the thing in front of you really, really is.  I hate that we act like we are living some glorious full life of constant Be Here Now. We just fail so hard and deep down, we all know we're pretenders that yearn to love the moments in front of us.

I want to just cry admitting that. It's like staring at sophomore self in the mirror and seeing a huge zit on picture day. This isn't how I wanted it to go. I wanted to look better.  I planned it differently and I have this incredible blouse with a matching scrunci from the limited to prove it.

Speaking of high school me, I'm writing/procrastinating this talk for some young gals on "beauty" and I am learning how much I am still my insecure, zit face self hiding under something I think might make me prettier.  I know the truth though, I only want to be gorgeous but I am not. I want to be popular but I am not. Except for my senior year when I got boobs and legs, but I digress. I want to be something other than what I am because I know that looking a certain way brings me value.

I have thought about it a lot today.  That God's love for me is based on him seeing my ugliness and still choosing me. That because of Jesus, I am beautiful. That under all the crushing expectations that I don't meet, christian ones and worldly ones, God chose me wether I have the pretty life or pretty face or pretty morals I've wanted and tried for in my short breath of a life.

He loves me and that makes me beautiful, not the other way around-- not, I am beautiful so He loves me. Not, I have it together, so He loves me. The truth is, I am stuck and dirty and ugly, and He loves me.  Basically, that's kind of a game changer. Am I really 33 and just now learning about self worth as I walk up puke stairs and listen to come-uh come-uh come-uh chameleeeonnnnn but hear the Gospel? I laugh.  Of course, I am.
Grace probably dusts the unpleasant moments of life more than we think.


14 comments:

  1. Thank you for this. All of it is grace...

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is good stuff. So so often I look at my life and think...I am literally living the life of my dreams...sweet husband, little kids, our own house and yard...but WHY does it not feel and look like the dream I thought it would be?? And then I realize, I had a pretty and perfect dream. Life is not pretty. Life is not perfect. But Jesus makes things pretty and perfect. If only I have eyes to see it that way! Love. ♡ Amy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amy you wrote exactly what I was going to say. I am living my dream and yet it doesn't feel like it and I grumble and complain. Asking God to change my heart

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  3. Jami you made me cry. This has been the worst few weeks. I beat myself up too all day long. Every night I vow the next day will.be different and then another sleepless night with a baby, I forget. I am trying so hard to enjoy this season. Cherish the moments. But I can't I don't know how. Before I can remember not to complain or yell the words are already tumbling out slicing those in the way. I just am starting to think maybe it isn't about enjoyment. Instead it is about thankfulness and refinement through first world trials that I deal with. but that is hard and even when I mumbling out the words my heart still feels cold. God is faithful though....I am going to come out gold but right now it is hot and it hurts. Hang in there and thanks for your honesty. Although I can't say I am glad to know others are struggling the same. Still it brings encouragement.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i think instead of trying to make those moments of gratefulness happen, ask God to change your heart. we can not make ourselves thankful despite all the ways we try to. gratefulness is a FRUIT of the SPIRIT. not a fruit of you. not a fruit of your gratitude journal or your thankful tree. do you know what i mean? the spirit makes it happen, we can not make it happen of ourselves. we are so dependent on his grace. we can't even be thankful without him making it so. so rest. and you don't have to feel guilty anymore. only keep repenting when you notice your ungratefulness and let God do the work of change. xoxo

      Delete
    2. Yes. Yes. And I am glad because if it were of myself there would be no victory over sin!

      Delete
  4. Thanks for encouraging and challenging me today, jami. I have read your post through a couple of times today and waited until naptime to comment so I could actually process what you said. Your brutal honesty about your heart condition is always refreshing and what I appreciate about you most. If you get all famous from your book, etc, please don't ever lose this quality!:) For me, the thieves of being present and enjoying my children are my (damn) phone and comparison, be it with real life friends or social media ones (lame, i know!). Also defensive parenting (don't touch that! stop hurting your sister!) vs offensive parenting (hey let's color together instead of antagonizing siblings!). This is all just details, when in reality I know I just need more Jesus in ma world....and I'm pretty sure that's the answer to all of my mom issues and human issues in general. We are created to see that our dream life still leaves us wanting. He knew we would believe the illusion and fall for it, and still find ourselves needing Him. I'm so glad it doesn't end in 'I told you so' as He peaces out. I'm so glad it ends in me falling into His arms saying 'I'm sorry I believed the lie' as he patiently holds me and loves me. Thanks for the dusting of grace today-I needed it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have been trying and trying to learn this and to understand grace just even a teensy little bit. But it's so big and so wonderful, I feel that I will only ever attempt to grasp it. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for reminding me that God loves me because he can, because he wants to, and even though I am dirty, he sees beauty.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Jami. Great post. Glad I am not the only one who does this. I really want be in the moment and enjoy the now. So often I find myself beating myself up about how things didn't go perfectly. And that ends up sucking out all the joy! Just over our spring break things just didn't go as planned. Unexpected things happened and I got sick. My girls went on a 12 hour teenage mutant ninja turtle bender. Oh the mom guilt. They loved it. I struggled to just embrace it and let the perfect picture I had in my go. But I so need to. Things do not have to be perfect. God doesn't expect that. I shouldn't either. Grace. I need to give myself grace. Why is that so hard. Such a constant challenge.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So this made me cry. Because these are my days. My therapist (I mean, you know I have one) says that I am a horrible friend to myself. Which is true. I am. I cannot imagine talking to one of my friends the way I talk to myself. Ugh. Learning grace for myself is hard.

    ReplyDelete

leave a message after the beep.