Monday, January 5, 2015

ice and fire(works)

so much has happened in the last couple of months.
like the snow that covered the ground tonight, the last 6 months of life feels heavy and sometimes too frigid to go out in. so i've kept my thoughts to myself mostly. because writing about it means trudging through the thick, cold mess and my snow boots don't seem high enough.

the snow always looks pretty from the warmth of a chair by the fire. it's often deceiving though. sometimes that fluffy looking snow is just inches of unforgiving, frozen water.

in college, i lived off campus but not far enough off campus to drive to class. so i walked. on nice days it was great. on snowy days, it was a beast. on the first big snow of that particular winter, class wasn't cancelled and i had already skipped me allotted amount (because DEDICATION, guys), so off to class i went. the steps off the porch had 3 inches of fluffy white snow on each. i walked confidently onto that first step ready to crush the gentle fallen snow only to find it was frozen thick and my feet slipped immediately.

i bounced down each step, making sure to hit both my (unfortunately) flat ass and all parts of my back on every surface within 2 feet of me...my hands foolishly grasping for railing that also had, you guessed it, 3 inches of frozen snow atop.  i finally rolled onto the ground and-- into dog poop.

i laid there for sometime trying to will myself up. and finally when it got too cold, i crawled(not stepped) up the stairs and back into the house to sit on the floor until my sides and bum stopped throbbing with intense pain so that i could change the poop-laiden jacket into my roommates jacket (sorry, emily.) and head back out.

i still had to go class.

and this is exactly what i feel like these past months have been.
dragging myself around because i literally have no choice. children need to go to school. presents need to be bought. events need to be attended. work has to continue.

so of course, i've had my eye on the new year. i have just wanted to get through the 31st. like many other people, i am clinging to the promise that the new year brings fresh starts and please sign me up for that. i know people talk about resolutions and words for the year but i just want the new mercies. i don't want the adventure and the big, sparkly promise of doing all the things i always said i wanted to do.  i know it's the opposite of what i'm supposed to say. but i want the quiet and i want to settle into whoever i am now that last year is over.  life has brought momentous challenges and i can feel it's changed me like water on rocks. now i need to re-meet myself, i guess.

when new year's came, we had gone to bed at 11pm, but i laid awake in my bed and listened to the fireworks muffled by distance outside whispering that the year was over. finally, i blinked into the dark. new mercies, the booms and pops told me.

and i believe them.

so here's to settling in 2015.


10 comments:

  1. i feel ya mama. i'm asking '15 to bring with it a big dose of peace with a side of rest. happy twenty fifteen beautiful lady. :)

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  2. Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes all of the woooohooos are too much for me. My 2014 wasn't terrible at all. My 2015 is looking good as well. It's just that for some reason I'm not in a run out and conquer the world kind of mood. I'm in a mellow, take it as it comes sort of mood. Thanks for remind me that, that is an okay option as well. <3

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  3. Can I just tell you that this is exactly how I felt for the last 4 months of 2013...and I so hoped for 2014 to be an improvement. And 2014 brought more of the same. So come December, I just wanted it to be over.

    I know God is always at work in us...making us more like Jesus. And sometimes that entire process is just exhausting and painful. And I'm over it.

    And I woke up today to get back to some sort of normal routine...and I'm exhausted.

    So thank you for posting this. I really enjoy your blog. :)

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  4. I'm so, SO with you.
    Back to school today for my older three, home with my younger two and expecting our 6th {have we completely lost our minds?!} in the next few weeks has me feeling exhausted just thinking about life and the mundane.
    I do want to plug Paul Tripp's devotional though. It is SO good, SO rich and short enough each day where it's not a drag to read.
    And what is it called?
    New Morning Mercies.
    It's a goodie.
    Hugs to you girl! {and it is comforting, in so many ways to know other sisters in Christ feel this way and we are walking this crazy life together even though we may never meet in real life}
    thanks for sharing your heart.

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  5. everything good I have, comes from YOU
    psalm 16:2

    you will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever
    psalm 16:11

    repeating this to myself over. and over. he wants to give you good for 2015!!

    xo

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  6. I can't remember ending a year with such feelings, but I feel like I survived 2014. I want the new mercies, as well. I'm only aiming for more than merely surviving, anything else will be a bonus. Here's to all who may feel a bit weary, may 2015 bring peace & rest.

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  7. I always read your posts and say to myself "so I'm not the only one!?!" Thank you for keeping it real and blessing my life, especially today.

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  8. You are easily my favorite blogger. Each post, I yell in my head, "ME, TOO!! I *must* become real life friends with this woman!" Here's to new mercies in 2015 and a better year for us all <3

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  9. YES. This is *exactly* how I've felt, and have definitely been looking forward to some quieting down in my life and the life of my family. New mercies. Amen.

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