it's late and i should be sleeping. but i took a three hour nap this afternoon because guess when it comes down to it, i'll take whatever uninterrupted sleep i can get.
these last weeks have been incredibly hard. i think i was barreling through life, quickly and survivingly(it's a word, okay?) for the past 6 months and then. it all settled. the newborn haze lifted. i realized i was in a different house in a different part of town and now we're 6 instead of 5. all the dynamics had changed. everything that was my normal was not that anymore.
last week i drove the exact route from lila's old preschool to our old street. except this time, i didn't turn left, i kept going. kept on going to where i live now. the entire drive haunted me. it is a strange predicament to pass by a life that still feels like yours.
i cried again. because why not. crying is the trend these days. that was our preschool and that was my trail i walked on everyday and that was my grey colonial with the red door. and that was my perfectly mapped out kitchen, dammit.
i was struggling with wanting to go backwards. it was better back there where i knew how to live.
the Israelites wanted to go back to egypt too. where it felt like home and everything was in it's place-- instead they were wandering in the desert of the unknown and the needing God for every little, tiny, thing.
i know it's not a new emotion. i guess i'm hoping there's a promised land up here somewhere too.
the night before i had sent an email to the parents in lila's class. a bridge.
i explained some things about lila. i threw in a few jokes. i was a bit too real probably for a introduction. i used capital letters and didn't make up words(i.e. THIS IS ME TRYING). i told them it was scary and that i didn't know how to do this.
and i paused before i hit send.
this is dumb. no, this is great. no, this stupid. that joke is sort of weird. just do it, who cares.
(this is generally my process in making decisions. it's pretty great!/is sometimes called premature and irrational.)
and i get home from that strange drive and read email after email after email of parent's encouragement.
the me too's and the let's have a get together.
the thank you for saying that and the it's going to be ok's
over and over.
God's grace flooding in.
oh, He heard me?
i thought He had forgotten about us in the desert.
only He had not and he was making a way. this whole time He was working, but i guess it was dark and i didn't see Him up ahead.
Lord, help my unbelief.
can i just say thank you all for your sweet comments and words of encouragement on my last post? to feel completely alone but find community among strangers, even online, held me up for some very hard days. please know that your words were like salve on wounds. thank you for walking with my family.