today we have a doctor's appointment today for lila.
with her special developmental specialist. we will sit in the office for 2 hours while he plays with her and asks her questions. he is so incredible with her.
but i've done this before. i've watched him take down his notes and think, what is he writing? i know she did that skill set all wrong. he asked her to draw mommy and she drew a spider. with a unibrow. i mean, that's more creative than just drawing a human.
it's not a question of if she's a normal kid, i know she's not a normal almost 6 year old. her brain works completely different. her speech is at a 2 year old's level and she's almost 6. i know that. i really know that in so many ways.
but when you hear a label, something different happens. that is to be carried around. it can be carried around as a burden or as a tool set, my brain knows that. but what will we choose to do? likely, we will swim in and out of both ways of thinking.
this morning, with wet hair and the kitchen house undone with mess, i wanted to process before i go into that office this afternoon and face the unknown. order in my thoughts, perhaps.
i could come out of there still walking in the unknown or i could walk out having a label. the label is bittersweet to me: it could be helpful as she moves into kindergarten for her teachers and for her therapists to better care for her. it could be hurtful if people see the label and not the lila.
oh, that they would see beyond the disability.
i am struck by one thought this morning: that even though all this feels so heavy and earth shattering in this moment, it's just a breath. this life. i can do all of this because my focus isn't on caring for lila but that God is caring for me during this very short life we have walking with sweet lila. i don't have to fear the diagnosis because God has already known all of this before he made the stars. he will show us the way like he always has.
and he is near. his nearness is better than a good diagnosis or avoiding hard things. both of which stare at me today asking me what i really believe. this is not a sad moment, it is a moment in which God's great goodness shines light into our mundane and proclaims that Jesus is better.
that is what i will speak today in the doctor's office when i ask my questions and when i thank the doctor for his time. when i gather up lila's drawings and when i tell lila that i just love her spiders. more spiders, i'll say. there aren't enough spiders on that paper.