Monday, March 31, 2014

my weekend.

when i opened my speaker bag this morning and saw this, then sings my soul cross stitch from take the cannoli, i just cried.

partly because i'm exhausted and raw from the weekend at hopespoken. conferences are not restful for me, they are work. good work. work i want to be doing, but nonetheless. i am completely uncomfortable most of the time for reasons listed below:

public speaking.(sweating through armpit pads ... it's possible! fun fact)

crowds.(hey, remember how i'm an introvert that everyone thinks is an extrovert?)

donuts everywhere. (i'm constantly conflicted. don't eat a donut. eat the donut. eat another donut? how many donuts is too many to eat in, say, the span of one hour? who has watched me eat the last donut so that i know not to get a donut in front of them next time.)

hotel "sleeping". or lack thereof.  (are hotels for sleeping or just a place for your stuff. i'm not quite sure yet.)

pregnancy. (why does it look like my legs have elephantitis . oh, because who sits down much at a conference? who's face retains water? mine. hashtag ALLTHEFLUID)


awkward jokes that seem funny in my head but out loud sound like i'm a weirdo. i'm all, just kidding! like it's the magic eraser of words.
(for the record, hannah laughed at all my jokes)

listen, all of this sounds like complaining, but what i'm trying to say is that it's hard for me. and this is where i am called. sharing stories of redemption in my marriage and in the bible,  and telling people that Jesus is the only thing that makes this life worth living. that is good news. not law and rules and advice and waking up in the morning and doing better. the cross. the blood. do you know that God sees you as perfect--because he sees Jesus, not you.  i love telling people that. i could tell people that all day long because the message of the Gospel never gets old or tired.

i'm getting old and tired(and large). but in that, God uses my weakness and all my awkwardness and all the things that make me uncomfortable and turns them for his glory. i am incredibly thankful for that.
(they put the pregos on the end to make themselves feel better. rude)


so when i took this cute cross stitch out, i thought, yes. my body is tired, but my soul is singing today. i felt most restful at hopespoken when the lights were turned down and we're just singing together about how God is our only hope. i have always felt such a connection to music, typically with secular music (don't tell anyone). i can hear the songs he sings to his people on the radio anytime i want, on any station. a lot of times it's a man or woman singing to his or her love interest making ridiculous promises they can never keep. but to me i hear God singing those promises.

(no real transition)

anyway, i didn't get to hear most of the talks while i was there-- but can't wait to listen to them online so i can learn more from those incredible women and where they saw Jesus in their story. and as much as conferences are uncomfortable for me, meeting so many of you was incredible and something i won't forget anytime soon. all these stories God is weaving for good! he's one creative guy.
(please note that in the first picture, emily is making a heart shape sign on my belly. awkward pregnancy photos are my fave. also, to the right, my dolphin jump i've been really working on finally paid off)

anyway, i'm going to put my sweat pants back on and just lay on the couch, while i stare at a white wall. for 2 to 3 weeks. someone just bring me a chocolate now and again and make sure i'm breathing and that lila hasn't found my stash of permanent markers and drawn an entire family (including extended family) of "spiders" all over the couch again.

thanks for listening to me process! ramblings in hot pink stretchy pants at my messy desk feels nice on this sunny monday morning.


26 comments:

  1. I feel the same as you about conferences and people and donuts. I'm speaking next year (I'm terrified/excited and trying not to throw up already) and public speaking is almost the last thing on earth I want to do. But yet, His grace compels me to. Just tell me you'll be there so you can show me how to use armpit pads.

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    1. also, can't wait to listen to your talk. can you even handle that?

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    2. I can't even talk an going to a conference after I just came from one. It's like asking a woman who just had a baby when she'll have another babe. Lol. I saw your name on the speaker lost and was so excited!!! Yay!!

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  2. chocolatesfromtheLord.blogspot.com

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  3. Will the conference speaker pieces be online for everyone to access/listen to? Or is it just a site where those who were in attendance can listen? Cuz Id love to catch up on what I missed remaining "by the stuff" here in the frozen tundra of NY :)

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    1. Yes! It'll be online for all the internets to enjoy. I'll post when it goes up.

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  4. please go back next year. I want to meet you. and jump with you. and hug you. and laugh with you. please. for reals.

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    Replies
    1. ha! the speaker list is amaze. for reals. but i don't know if i can even think about another conference right now. we shall see. :)

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  5. Well done, hermit. I am also a hermit who gets confused for an extrovert. It's because we say really funny/awkward things, loudly. Due to social anxiety in my case; but it gets misconstrued for boldness and gaiety. The old fashioned kind of gaiety. Not the other kind. Ya know what? I'm just gonna stop here.

    Except I gotta say, I get all star struck and fan girlish around donuts too.

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    Replies
    1. there should be a club for loud introverts.

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    2. I would 1000% be in that club. You could put me down as the contributor of all things awkward and inappropriate but said because I thought someone would laugh but then everyone just stares at me uncomfortably. That's me. Right there.

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  6. This is hilarious and so relatable...I can relate to so much (introvert, donut lover, armpit sweat)! Please share where we can hear you beautiful souls speaking????!!!!!

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    1. Yes! It'll be online for all the internets to enjoy. I'll post when it goes up.

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  7. the dolphin jump, you nailed it. ha. and also, donuts..eat them all :)

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    Replies
    1. thank you. i just wanted someone to recognize my skills.

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  8. seeing your dolphin jump and ipeed hashtag on IG was my favorite hope spoken IG of the weekend. and yeah, i'll admit i wanted to be there so bad that i stalked the hope spoken hashtag like thrice daily.

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    Replies
    1. there's always next year! the speaker list is rad.

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  9. Thank you for sharing. I particularly appreciate this- "Listen, all of this sounds like complaining, but what i'm trying to say is that it's hard for me. and this is where i am called." I'm in a difficult place and hesitate to say how I'm feeling because I don't want to seem ungrateful. I'm so thankful that God desires to be near to us and loves us so much...He understands those things before we even speak them. As always, thanks for being honest.

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    1. yes. i am happy(and sometimes not happy) to the work i am called to do. it is not all easy. but i can trust the one that called me to do the work. He never fails.

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  10. geez being in front of people is hard.
    BUT, I'm pretty sure your sweet prego presence blessed tons of lucky ladies over the weekend.
    all for God.
    on the subject of permanent markers, I had my first experience with "i'm an artist and will decorate my body" from my 5 year old...
    went to the circus and before she did, took an orange sharpie marker and drew stripes on her nose because she wanted to be a tiger.
    Oh the joy children bring.

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  11. You are awesome Jami! Your blog has always been so fun to read... honest with the best tone of sarcastic humor. I totally get it, especially the part about being the introvert that everyone thinks is an extrovert! I didn't go to hopespoken this year, but the conference is how I found your blog about a year ago. I am so thankful that you are brave enough to be obedient to the call to share your story of forgiveness and redemption on such a large scale. As someone with an all too familiar story I thank you for speaking so honestly about something so many try to hide and cover up. There is freedom for others in the stories we share.

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  12. dying over that picture of you with your friend making hearts on your belly.
    dying.

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  13. Hi. So, I've been following your blog for a while now, and have never commented.. sorry. I am a little socially awkward ;-).

    I'm totally with you. I too am a hermit (my husband thinks it might be a problem). For some reason or another, God selected me to help fill in for our worship leader when she takes vacations and such. I almost die, every time. I have never seen these things you call armpit pads! Where does one go about finding them?... and I'm asking for no particular reason.

    Also, we are adopting from the Philippines (My husband is Filipino, etc). We are required to complete Psychological Evaluations... I'm pretty sure I have a Social Phobia, have you looked those up? http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/social-phobia-social-anxiety-disorder-always-embarrassed/index.shtml?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

    ... Yeah. Pretty sure we're going to be denied in our adoption. I'm pretty sure I have that.

    I have to tell you that your story helped me through a really difficult time in my life when someone in my family was going through a similar situation to what you have been through. The way that you write about it is so inspiring, and I'm sure hearing you speak about it is equally inspiring, soaked armpits and all.

    I just wanted to say, thank you so much for sharing something so personal, and for being so transparent about it. Your story is helping to break other people's chains!


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