Monday, January 6, 2014

when it spits you out.

i need to write about Christmas. need to get those memories out on paper...errr, internet. i will. it will be delayed and you will be like, ugh...i'm so ready for christmas to be over and onto the new year.

me too. me too.

but i'm still reeling from it all. the holiday. the kids on break. the pregnancy. the burritos.

i just wanted to take a moment and reflect on the year. someone asked me this question a couple weeks ago: what was your best and worst of 2013? it's like you're hurrying to cross the street and all the sudden someone puts a stop sign right in front of your face.

STOP!

i sat there and reflected.  what caused deepest pain and deepest happiness. what could i be thankful for in both my suffering and joy? what had i left forgotten, un-prayed for because visiting it caused more hurt? or because visiting it caused unmerited self-congratulation and confidence? thankfulness and repentance fell out of my mouth at the same time. painful and peaceful. how do these things work so beautifully together?

i thought forward. to the coming year.
no word came to mind, no resolutions, no goals.
only more questions. God what will you do this year in light of what you've already done this past year? show me more.

each year i move forward and presumably closer to Jesus, the smaller my story feels. my tiny story of redemption falling into his giant story of redemption. realizing i'm a speck. a tiny grain.
painful and peaceful, that thought. i am nothing and He is everything.

everything. can that thought be true? because the implications are wild and wrecking.

on my honeymoon, after laying out for an hour or so, i decided i needed to cool off in the ocean. the ocean is both beautiful and scary to me, but decided i could go in alone while my husband watched from the beach. i got in, went a little deeper, and like oceans do sometimes, it just drops off into the deep. i wasn't out that far, but a wave came from out of nowhere it seemed and right as i turned around to see what the noise was, i got hit in the face with the barreling water. it took me under.
(photo taken by jessica thompson)

i was knocked around by varying currents with such force. unable to get air, it jolted me back and forth for what seemed like minutes and then spit me out back on the beach like i too was just a speck of sand, nothing in that vast body of water.

my hair was all over my face and my swimsuit was in all the wrong places. my husband was laughing hysterically and i wanted to cry. i felt the most helpless i had ever felt. and although i can see the humor in it now, at that moment the ocean meant something different than what i had thought.

beautiful and painful. peaceful and dominating.

my life this last year culminating to now as i encountered God's grace asking,
what was that?

grace. oh! 
it swallowed me up this year, spit me out, and now i'm laying on the beach thinking, that's not what i thought it would be. 

it has knocked me around. i've thought for so long it was me and Jesus working together and now i see it's just him(i think i would have said it was just jesus previously). grace is telling me it's all Him and NONE of Me. how painful it has been to truly believe that i can take no credit. that i must rely on Him for every.single.tiny.step.

the stirrings in my heart. they were given by him, then stirred by him, then brought to fruit by him, or even not brought to fruit by him!

it's not on me. even my response to the call is not my own. i can't even get over that thought.

the repentance and the peace that it brings are treasures. i can't stand up, i'm knocked over with grace.

i am the bumbling, weak beggar and God chose me. that's all i need to know this year. He picked me, not because of me, but inspire of.  it has dominated my soul and my thoughts and i pray that it continues this year and all the years.

i am nothing, you are everything.



11 comments:

  1. "even my response to the call is not my own. i can't even get over that thought." ....I can't get over that thought either, Jami. It's breathtakingly beautiful.

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  2. I am currently experiencing the kind of grace. the 'that's not what i thought it would be like' grace. and am so thankful that he gives what we need NOT what we want.

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  3. I'm so with you… still updating my blog with Christmas stuff. But I don't want to forget these sweet Christmases with my family. And congrats on #4… so exciting but so hard when you don't have energy to do what you normally do. God has grace for it all. You say it so well :)

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  4. Jami, no one, I mean NO ONE blogs as much TRUTH as you do. Seriously, it's like God is taking exactly what I need to hear and putting it on your blog. Wowza. Thank you girl, for faithfully delivering the goods.

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  5. Please pray for me. I cannot seem to accept grace or my need. Please pray for help to bow to Him.

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  6. so glad i could read this again.
    amen.

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  7. Great post. I did think meeting a random girl on the plane to AZ might make your list of Best of 2013! Hope all is well with your family. May you have a blessed 2014.

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  8. a few things:
    1) you're having a BAAABY! congratulations!!
    2) this post is beautiful. i love the imagery of God's grace like an ocean.
    3) your kitchen is the bomb.com!

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  9. I keep coming back to this post and reading it. It touches something deep in my heart. Thank you.

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