Tuesday, November 19, 2013

remodel as a reflection

it's funny what happens when something you love is taken away for an extended period of time.
my kitchen is still under construction for much longer than i thought it would be.
my floors have dust all over them. not like, look at these dustballs! like, look at this film of construction laying over the books and the toys and the moulding and the shelves that i can't clean up.

i have no countertops to spill flour all over. no whirring mixer to bake the day away.
i have no couches to have you sit on and visit, we moved those out to redo the floors.
i have no water to give you. oops. we're out of bottled water again. no plastic cups, we ran through those. the glass cups are somewhere in this pile over here. i think?

my bathroom is disgusting, i'm sorry, just close your eyes when you use it...i've been so busy trying to manage the construction zone, i haven't deep cleaned. what's the point, a layer of dust will soon cover it.


i love making a home. home making.
i find identity in baking and kitchen-ee things.
in being a hermit. (this place is where i can rest and hide)
in mothering.
in decorating.
this house.

and for weeks and weeks, i haven't been able to stand my house. the dust. the fumes. the unending work. the tiptoeing around the boxes.

we leave a lot.
i sigh when i walk back in the door.

it is so good for me to have my world turned upside down and see what i cling to.
falling down a well and grasping at the walls is sort of what i feel like. all because of a kitchen getting ripped out. or is that just the mirror?

i look at my gutted kitchen and see a reflection of a woman who doesn't know what to do with herself.
Lord, help me. it's just a kitchen. and just a home. i am told by the world to make my identity here and it is failing me right now. 

not that baking and home making are bad.
asking it to tell me who i am is where i sin.

a forever struggle with identity perhaps for all humans.
but a longing that is placed in our hearts to point us to our forever home with God. a call for things to be made right and fixed and perfect. a longing for true rest, an eternal hiding place.
home-making isn't something human's came up with, it's a whisper, a remembering that God is making an eternal home for us.

tell me that story, God. tell it to me again through the hammers and the dust. whisper it to me in the paint stroking and yell it to me in the loud sawing.

14 comments:

  1. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. We are in the midst of our house being for sale and I have had all these feelings attached to it (around my identity). This house being for sale is a big faith step for us...waiting for God to reveal the next step is the hardest part. And it hasn't sold yet, so naturally "what's wrong with me??" is the question that keeps bouncing around in my mindspace. Around every corner of this journey is doubt and fear...all because i've been "asking it to tell me who I am". I haven't been able to put words to it until you just did. Bless you.

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    1. right. we've been there. "if the house sells, we'll know it's the right move" and yet no where in the bible is that logical. all we get is to be obedient. whether the house sells or doesn't sell, he has a purpose. and he is good. your hope is not in the house selling, but in the maker of the universe.

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  2. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I want to decorate and "make a home", but this home feels so temporary, and we have no idea where we'll be next. I long for a forever home, but some times I wonder about my intentions. Is it that I want to remodel and decorate in a way that strengthens my family...or so that I can show it off? God often shows me my ugly side when it comes to "things".

    That said, I'm so excited to see your finished product. Your house is quite lovely and I would like you to give it to me. Now.

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    1. well the Lord is still working on me so i can't give my house away. i'm still sinful. lol.
      i miss your face!

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  3. We just finished a three month remodel that took six. It's challenging to a homebody to have so many people in and out of the home at any given (often unknown) time. If you want God to work through some things in you, I highly recommend starting a project like this! LOL.

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  4. I'm in the exact same boat, except that I'm a high risk-pregnant chick on bedrest with a baby scheduled to make his debut in two weeks via c-section. It is so hard to have your home in a state of construction chaos, especially when you sit/lay in in 24/7 with absolutely no ability to change the state that it's in. I just want to jump up & texture & paint these walls, lay the floors, clean up the dust to have it done before baby's arrival, this is not the home I envisioned bringing him to from the hospital. We have prayed for so many things lately regarding the health of my baby & myself that I never even thought to be thankful for the home we have here-no matter it's condition & the one waiting for us with Jesus. Thank you for the reminder...

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  5. I get all out of sorts when my home (temporary, tiny apartment that I share with my husband) is out of order, too (which is almost always). It's easy for us hermit-y folk to get wrapped up in the security and comfort of our homes--something which we can [usually] control. Praying that God will help us to realize and feel the sufficiency of being wrapped up in the security and comfort of the gospel alone!

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  6. Ohh girrrrlll! I can relate, as we are in the process of renovating a house we just bought, only we aren't living in it. We've been living with my in laws for the last year and a half, and it is time for our own space :) The sinful side of me gets angry when you post truth because I often am doing the same thing you are reflecting on, only I never knew.. now I know, and now I need to reflect and change. The other side of me is like GET IT GIRL! Thank you for showing me how often I search for my identity in THINGS, rather than Him. Thanking GOD for you and what He's doing in your heart, because it's changing mine too.

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    2. i love how God uses the inter web to connect people to his goodness. i preach it to myself. xoxo

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  7. Struggling with this very thought myself. We bought a house in May and hubby is remodeling the bathroom and touching up on other places (built in 1960). The kitchen is 1960, even appliances. One step at a time will I make it my dream house? My dream kitchen? No. But my little daughter's feet will crowd the space and make a mark. Do I find joy in perfection or relationship? Do I long for my dream house or stay content in a small one? Do I spend my money on updating a home or deal with the mess? There's lots of thoughts running this brain and like your brain I'm figuring out where God is in all of it. Would He want me to be content in a house that we're trying to afford or save and continue to grow and have a bigger home? As you can tell I'm still sorting through the crazies!

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