i sat in church this sunday and cried about 15 times. i didn't t know why i was so soft , but God made it so. surely so i could hear these sweet words spoken by God through from jerry root, a professor at Wheaton college.
i knows it's because i have really been struggling these past 3 weeks with sugar. for some reason, i have been eating it more than on sundays. like eating something very sweet almost every day.
i have had some zits return.
really painful canker sores in my mouth.
really heavy last period.
and some bad mood swinging.
sometimes when i look at the chocolate, i think, this is slavery. and i still eat a piece. it is painful to not be able to will what you want in the moment. tomorrow i will do better.
and tomorrow comes and i can't do better. in fact, i did worse.
and so it brings shame to me.
because i was resting in my own strength, somewhere a long the line. i believed it was my willpower that was getting me through. and then 3 weeks later, i sit in my sin, unable to change. i'm not over sugar!
but i wasn't repenting because i can do better. when you don't need a savior, you don't repent. and when you skip over the cross and move right into penance (trying to make it right by doing better), your sin will come back over and over and over again, never changing.
what do i do then? in the waiting?
be still and wait for the Lord.
do i keep sinning?
is it really sinning to eat sugar? i hear in my head.
i agree. ya! is it really a sin?
and then i remember how miserable i am. the slavery of needing something. the feeling that this addiction is bigger than God. in this moment, when i wake up from my nap and want chocolate, this is when i say, God is small and chocolate is big!
and the answer is, maybe eating sugar is not sin for you. but for me, i was called to be obedient in something.
not because God is mean or He is trying to help me be a better person.
but because it is harmful for me.
i see a protecting father saying, that will hurt you. come to me. i have what you're looking for.
i was soft at church on sunday because i felt desperate and weak and tired again and i needed a savior. and even though my sin is dark and perhaps silly to others (it's just sugar for heaven's sake!), it brought about shame and despair for me.
and yet He does not let me sit there. He gently lifts me back up and says, i love you. my anger is not for you, because you're covered by the blood. my anger was there at the cross, it went to Jesus so that you wouldn't have to bear it. come back and sit in it's shadow.
he loves you.
he loves you.
he loves you.
it's unbelievable, isn't it? but he does. it is good news for me, who's merit isn't dependent on her good deeds or bad deeds, but on his goodness and perfection. it's unbelievable that he uses my sin to show me more of himself... he turns even that around for His glory. that he says i don't have to hide my sin, because that's where he's made perfect. i can tell the internets and not be ashamed. i can freely admit that i can't go an hour without needing his mercy.
so today, i'm praying for God to help me change. not because i can do it but because He asked me to do it and he is faithful to complete the good work in me. leaning on him, every hour for his grace to see me through to the next day.
go listen to that sermon and let it wash over you.