it's our 8th wedding anniversary today.
this very day, 8 years ago, my husband and i said a bunch of words to each other in front of a bunch of people, making a bunch of promises neither of us would keep.
i haven't written about the actual affair in such a long time. at least it feels like that. but you must know that by now, everything i write stems from that deep, catastrophic event. when i write about any kind of trouble and hardship, it is through the lens of how God shaped me in my most difficult suffering. so by proxy, i guess in a way, i write about that suffering all the time.
with that said, it is the grace received through that suffering which, at the hands of my husband seems too deep a betrayal to recover from. and frankly, it is.
that is why i can't take credit my for marriage working. it wasn't me that kept us together, it was God. it wasn't my husband that decided to come home, it was God that humbled him and gave him eyes to see where his home was.
it was a miracle.
one of the questions that people ask me most often is, how do you trust him again?
i don't have practical information for them. i do not have a book to give them to read on affairs (i found those unhelpful and damaging). what i can say is, the way that i acted towards my husband stemmed from a work that God was doing in my heart.
it stemmed from a call to obedience.
it was not dependent on my husband. it was dependent on my God.
do you trust me?
i think i do. i want to fully. it seems impossible and won't i be an idiot? help me believe.
and so i woke up every morning with that prayer. often spoken through a tired and broken voice...help.
it was all i had in me.
so the question is not, how do i trust him again?
the question is how do i rely fully on God to do a work in me so that i may be obedient to His call?
what then do i say to the brokenhearted women?
that the trust comes. but the trust is not deserved.
when is trust that is broken so horrendously ever deserved?
isn't "deserving" a sort of karma anyway?
listen, believers. we don't believe in karma. we believe in the underserved getting invited into a relationship with a perfect God to live with Him forever.
that is not, what goes around comes around.
if i believed in karma, then actually i deserved every bit of my suffering.
because i've done some pretty awful things.
but if the suffering isn't about me, it frees me to see that, perhaps, it is about something else. someONE else. God's Glory. how else would He get the glory but to take something weak and broken, even more, something dead and bring it back to life. something that had been rotting in a tomb with seemingly no hope and raise it from death to life!
...for my power is made perfect in weakness.
it is not a surprise that we are weak. that i am weak. that i wanted to divorce my husband, lord his children over him and withhold them, take his money.
that my husband is weak. that he loved someone else. that he did not want to come home. that he was ok if i suffered, as long as he got what he wanted.
God came down. changed our hearts. asked for obedience when i didn't want to wake up and face the day. when i had to go to church alone and everywhere, with what felt like a scarlet letter. when i forgot to eat. when i looked out the window and wanted to fly away with birds. when my husband struggled with temptation. when he lied over and over again. when he didn't know what he wanted. when he was hated and shamed.
God came down to us and we saw him.
and we couldn't help but change because his love was too crazy and too scandalous and it didn't make sense.
and we couldn't help but love each other when it was and still is undeserved. because He loved us first and He saw our sin and still said, YOU. i want you.
God saw us 5 years later, on our 8th anniversary sitting on the couch together. my husband rubbing my feet. laughing about the day, dreaming about the future. thanking Him that He kept us together because it is so good. so rich. and i love him more than i could dream.
and it's only been 8 years.
Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever.