i think it's unproductive to just have fun. i'd rather be working on something or reaching some end.
it's pretty selfish to say that out loud, but i'm coming to terms with not being an amazing human. i tend to say to my kids, you do your thing and i'll do my thing.
you do your thing with those markers on the couch and i'll organize the pantry. that's usually what happens. or, if i hear you screaming and crying, i'll know you need me. but even then, i'm going to give it a good 10 seconds to see if you're just being a baby.
wait. you are a baby.
this amazing company, called kiwi crate sent us a fun box of crafts to do together. every month they send you a fun activity box. everything's all there... so cute!
but this activity box...it sat on my desk for a long time. i sort of dreaded it. because well, it was just too fun. not productive enough for me! we have things to do.
it was strange to me.
and i saw my sin in it. why is God so kind to me? to let me enjoy something and whisper, i want more of this for you. i want to change your heart in this. just mind blowing and gentle, but exposing.
i think it would be easy to say, here's my deal and here's what i obviously need to do.
i need to swing more towards type A. more structure. more planned out fun times. more organized days. be a better mom. and a better friend.
but every time i do that i fail. i try to be more structured. i try to change... it lasts for a bit, but then i eventually fail.
gosh, i feel a lot of shame for it.
and you've walked with me long enough on this blog to see me do it too. (i mean, no need to go back and find all my attempts at structure. haha. awkward sigh, look away.)
shame is not the same as conviction. because conviction brings hope.
shame brings darkness and slavery and is unending, cyclical.
no real solution if you're the solution.
but conviction says, here's a problem(fill in your blank). now here's the solution: look to the cross. it ends here.
you're off in this way, come sit in the shadow of the cross. look up! see where your savior said, no more shame? see where the blood says, i can change you, but you can't change you?
conviction brings hope, through death to self.
death to me:
doing the good work.
bringing the awesome.
believing in myself.
the truth is, i do need to change. and my family and friends would benefit from more structure and more intentionality(perhaps you're the opposite and your family would benefit from you not controlling every part of the day). whatever it is, we all sense the need to do better.
but what will we do with this sense...this conviction? will i wake up and say, we're doing things different today, giving myself over to the shame cycle? or will i ask God to do a work in me and make me different. a miracle. i literally need a new mind in so many ways. i'm so weak, i can't even follow through on simple tasks. i have little self control! i'm not a good mom or a good friend so much of the time.
use my weakness, God and change my heart. give me a new brain and a new heart, so that you will be glorified not me. this is where i want to sit and REST. this is the shadow of the cross, not the scorching sun of shame and the slavery of trying and failing once again.
a craft box did this to me.
God used a freakin' craft box to expose my sin and gently lead me to see the cross as my only hope for lasting change. he's wonderfully weird and creative.
thank you kiwi crate for sending us this awesome activity box. it was so much fun and much appreciated. i know it was a part of the summer discovery series, but i think it would be so so so great in the fall too! the little lanterns that glow are adorable. the stickers and colors and already ready crafts were wonderful.
(playing a matching game with the cards you sent us!)--------
or you can get $10 off your box when you sign up through this link!