there she was with her crossed hands, yelling no paw-ee! (potty)
(a cardigan under a dress? why not. leg warmers over leggings. duh)
before her very first soccer game this weekend, i was so nervous for her. will they accept her? the night before, she slept in her cleats squealing with excitement. she turned my face to hers with her hand and said, mom. socc-ah!(soccer!). i laid in bed thinking of all the ways i could make it easier for her to be accepted. what do we tell the coach? she looks completely normal but she doesn't talk much and when she does, you might not understand her. she's severely developmentally delayed. she does not understand this game but she's going to be really happy about a bunch of kids chasing a ball. also she pees in her pants sometimes. a lot lately? and she might drop a deuce? she's really excited though and i want to hover over her to make sure she knows what to do. ok great!
before the game, she was running around in her cleats and i was feeling emotional and weighed down by our circumstances. the verse, "my grace is sufficient for you" popped into my head and i didn't understand it. i don't need grace. she needs healed. what does that have to do with anything?
a little whisper in my heart said, because my grace is sufficient for her too. and i just cried there. why in my ugliness does God come down in tenderness and pull my face towards his and say, mother, i'm enough for this.
watching lila play that afternoon, i laughed so hard. she ran with the mob but didn't ever make contact with the ball. we just kept yelling, get the ball, lila! and she would belly laugh and chase it. when someone made a goal, she would cheer like she made the goal and sometimes run off the field to give us a hug. she is not delayed in sportsmanship, that's for sure.
and i realized later that day that i need God to change my heart. i keep trying to heal my daughter because i don't think that He is enough. i get lost in my circumstances and forget this life isn't about my plans getting fulfilled, it's about glorifying Christ. i see lila in the sunlight, running on a field,laughing and playing with no worries and there i am on the sidelines with a dark heart, sulking, crossing my hands in defiance...i want it my way!
i needed all of this: the peeing on the couch, the soccer, the endless clothes washing, the exhaustion of a very busy child with lots of needs and a passion for coloring skin and furniture with markers. i needed it all to see Jesus as my only hope. my hope can not be in lila being healed or in her successfully potty training. those are failing me. God does not. He is calling me and using my daughter so that i would see his kindness and say, oh. this life is a breath. it will not be like this forever.
(we'll call this, "her choice")
my job today is glorifying Christ... heal my unbelief! not just our sweet lila. heal our wicked hearts so that we can see you more.
*today lila has done much better with potty training. i decided to just start over with it and it has been leaps and bounds better. i forget that developmentally she is a 2 and a 1/2 year old, practicing defiance and independence. i forget because visually, she is 4 and a 1/2. so i'm praying for new eyes and a new heart so that i won't get lost in this hardship. it's so easy to stray out of an eternal perspective. pray for us if you think about it!