Tuesday, April 16, 2013

soccer and pee VS me

for a couple of weeks now, lila has regressed in potty training. she was doing so so great and then one day she just started refusing to go to the bathroom. i have cleaned a lot of pee off the couch and off the floors and i have cleaned 800 pairs of pants, shorts, dresses, and underwears. somewhere in there i began to get angry with her. with all the hard work we had done to get her there. and with her being special needs and with her not understanding. with her language difficulties. with her defiance. and really, i was mad at my plans getting screwed over.

there she was with her crossed hands, yelling no paw-ee! (potty)

(a cardigan under a dress? why not. leg warmers over leggings. duh)

before her very first soccer game this weekend, i was so nervous for her. will they accept her? the night before, she slept in her cleats squealing with excitement. she turned my face to hers with her hand and said, mom. socc-ah!(soccer!).  i laid in bed thinking of all the ways i could make it easier for her to be accepted. what do we tell the coach? she looks completely normal but she doesn't talk much and when she does, you might not understand her. she's severely developmentally delayed. she does not understand this game but she's going to be really happy about a bunch of kids chasing a ball. also she pees in her pants sometimes. a lot lately? and she might drop a deuce? she's really excited though and i want to hover over her to make sure she knows what to do. ok great! 

before the game, she was running around in her cleats and i was feeling emotional and weighed down by our circumstances. the verse, "my grace is sufficient for you" popped into my head and i didn't understand it. i don't need grace. she needs healed. what does that have to do with anything?

a little whisper in my heart said, because my grace is sufficient for her too. and i just cried there. why in my ugliness does God come down in tenderness and pull my face towards his and say, mother, i'm enough for this. 

watching lila play that afternoon, i laughed so hard. she ran with the mob but didn't ever make contact with the ball. we just kept yelling, get the ball, lila! and she would belly laugh and chase it. when someone made a goal, she would cheer like she made the goal and sometimes run off the field to give us a hug. she is not delayed in sportsmanship, that's for sure.

and i realized later that day that i need God to change my heart. i keep trying to heal my daughter because i don't think that He is enough. i get lost in my circumstances and forget this life isn't about my plans getting fulfilled, it's about glorifying Christ. i see lila in the sunlight, running on a field,laughing and playing with no worries and there i am on the sidelines with a dark heart, sulking, crossing my hands in defiance...i want it my way!

i needed all of this: the peeing on the couch, the soccer, the endless clothes washing, the exhaustion of a very busy child with lots of needs and a passion for coloring skin and furniture with markers. i needed it all to see Jesus as my only hope. my hope can not be in lila being healed or in her successfully potty training. those are failing me. God does not. He is calling me and using my daughter so that i would see his kindness and say, oh. this life is a breath. it will not be like this forever. 
(we'll call this, "her choice")

my job today is glorifying Christ... heal my unbelief! not just our sweet lila. heal our wicked hearts so that we can see you more.


*today lila has done much better with potty training. i decided to just start over with it and it has been leaps and bounds better. i forget that developmentally she is a 2 and a 1/2 year old, practicing defiance and independence. i forget because visually, she is 4 and a 1/2. so i'm praying for new eyes and a new heart so that i won't get lost in this hardship. it's so easy to stray out of an eternal perspective. pray for us if you think about it!


54 comments:

  1. She is so beautiful.
    I'm so in awe of God who can change challenging and hard situations into beautiful faith lessons. It's something I have experienced through hardships of my own, and I wouldn't have wanted to miss them for the world.
    Praying for you!

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  2. Man, this is tough! Thank you for pointing out the heart issues when you share like this, I need it. I know I become frustrated and angry when my child acts out, and why? Because it ruins MY day, MY plans.
    His grace is sufficient.
    So glad potty trading is going well again! Praying it continues!

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    1. for reals. we are all like that no matter what child we have!

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  3. i was just thinking about lila a few days ago. this post made me happy because i can just imagine the soccer game and i love it (i may have even teared up). and sad... because i know what it is to long for something for your kids and not be able to do anything about it (though my longings have to do with them living in a different language/culture... i just want them to be understood here and have an indonesian friend). anyways, i feel for you. i randomly think about lila sometimes and pray for y'all.

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    1. totally. we all have struggles that are the same just packaged differently. you are so sweet to think of lila! i need to go catch up on your blog, you gypsie.

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  4. Jami i am praying the Lord constantly reminds he is enough. I will be praying that his grace is abundant in your lives. as your keep sharing your faith, your heart, and His words, i know the enemy is there causing doubt and insecurities. I pray in the Name of JESUS that you will have peace and feel his grace and love covering you.

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  5. Thanks, Jami. It's so hard to watch God's grace truly be enough for our kids without trying to wrestle control away from Him.

    Lila is a beauty <3

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  6. I just absolutely love that you share the honest to goodness truth in your posts! What a great reminder for all of us! God's grace IS sufficient for every time we think if we don't get "this" right, our worlds will fall apart. Love how joyful Lila looks in every picture, even when she's being silly. What a pretty girl :)

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  7. lila's soccer game sounds like the most fun ever!! and "her choice" is the best choice, so fashion forward.

    the real beauty here is, your heart being softened to his truth. i read this yesterday and wept:

    "Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?”

    Something is radically wrong.

    Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat out denial of the gospel of grace." (article here: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tullian/2013/04/15/all-is-grace)

    i read your words, now i'm weeping again. i hear all of this, and it sounds like me. i'm in a plateau of trust, but surely the anger and "fixing" monster will creep up again soon. praying that we will both choose christ! above all. to glorify HIM and not our dreams. his grace is for us, and enough for us.

    i love you. and it brings me comfort and joy to know that there's a little girl in KCMO who seems a twin to my boy. and they are not alone.

    xo
    but i will sing of your strength; i will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. for you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress. o my strength, i will sing praises to you, for you, o god, are my fortress, the god who shows me steadfast love.
    psalm 59:16-17

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    1. i want that verse to be tattooed on my eyeballs. thanks for saying that. and all of what you wrote. we are kindred spirits. now move here.

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  8. well, i just cried a lot. and i just adore lila. exactly as she is.

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    1. well you made me cry the other night so i thought you deserved this. ha

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  9. Jami, you always make me cry and smile at the same time. What a blessing to have Jesus build our faith through our kids.

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    1. you are such a sweet encouragement. always.

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  10. I love the title of this post(even though I didn't get it till after i read the whole thing). I love the pictures(every single one tells such a story, and I love that!) I love your real-ness(not a word, but I felt it just the same) and I most love your heart towards God. Thanks for continuing to do what you do. You're awesome.

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  11. I think the hardest part of motherhood is to maintain our patience! I often loose it with my daughter and then after that comes the guilt. On the good days when I remember that the more patience I have the easier she is, things run a lot more smoothly! I admire any mother to more than one child... One is already so much work!! I won't even mention how much I admire any parent of a special needs child!!
    Lila sure looks like one beautiful spunky little girl though!! :)
    Sometimes a deep breath and starting over is really the best we can do!!

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  12. I think the hardest part of motherhood is maintaining our patience.
    If you have more than one child than I think you're a hero already!!!
    Sometimes taking a deep breath and starting over is really the best we can do!!
    Lila looks like she's one fun spunky girl!!! :)

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  13. I am dealing with a 2.5 year old who likes to poop in her panties. We should have a party! :) One thing I loved about this is that Lila LOVES the game and doesn't care about her performance. If only we could all be like that. You are learning so much from her and she is teaching us all. Yes, His grace is sufficient. What a wonderful thing to rest on today. It was a great reminder for me to let go of my fears that I have for my own children and recognize His grace available to them as well.

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  14. Have you thought about taking her to the chiropractor? I know that sounds crazy but since you are on this health kick you might be open to researching it more.

    From an article:

    Our Chiropractic Care for Children will carefully apply a series of chiropractic adjustments to correct structural imbalances and neurological disorganisation. An adjustment enables the body to more accurately process information passing between the brain and the body, and hence make the appropriate corrections to begin healing and restore normal function.

    http://www.sleep4health.com.au/tag/language-difficulties-children/

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    1. we used to take her but quit for a while. she is back on the schedule though to get more adjustments. i'm a total hippie. :)

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  15. Thank you! Thank you for sharing what I needed to hear today! I am an Early Childhood Special Ed teacher and today was rough. I struggle to remember that they may look 4 or 5, but in developmentally they're more like 2 - filled with all the needs and emotional struggles of a 2 year old. It's easy to become frustrated by the set-backs and to hold these littles to expectations of their "typical" peers...but in reality what they need is love and patience. And after reading your post today, reminding me that His grace is sufficient for all of us, I'm renewed and ready to tackle the challenges the rest of the day and the days that follow send my way! Thank you for sharing your story!!

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    1. you are a gift to the world! thank you for doing what you do. you make mothers like me cry when i think of the hard work you put into our sweet children.

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  16. I enjoyed reading this post! Life might be hard sometimes, but you love her anyway. Prayers for you, Lila, and the daily challenges. ♥

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  17. Thanks for the reminder that my job today is glorifying Christ. Not making circumstances better, not solving my husband's work difficulties, not finding a new job, etc. Love reading what you write!

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    1. isn't it crazy how we get so lost in our circumstances? humans!

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  18. Praying for you and your sweet Lila - mothering is so terrifying/confusing/frustrating sometimes...but SOOOOO worth it:)

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  19. I have two children. One with Aspergers and one with an unknown medical issue. The past year and a half have been a struggle to say the least. Ten minutes ago, after cleaning up yet another puddle of vomit I sat on my couch and cried out in tears of frustration to God. "When will this end! What's wrong!!? Why can't my children be normal." Then I come to read this and your words mirrored exactly what's been going on in my heart and in my life. Very cool how God spoke to me through this entry. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. well, we'll just do this together then.

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  20. That girl is SOOooo... beautiful, I can't stand it, Seriously... Beautiful, can not stand it... : )
    From her Easter dance, to the soccer dance.. she has some serious Joy going on... Deep down Joy.
    I want some of that, need some of that...
    And then... I learned so many / most of my lifes lessons from watching my parents raise a special needs child... (he is now 50) God used my mother's heart to shape mine... But boy... did He use Lila today to show me of HIS Grace... I LOVE, love your family...
    ( & don't you love how HE uses a poopy pants to show up... : )
    Bless you Jami... you are a treasure

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  21. Your posts about Lila speak to my heart. She reminds me so much of my 2 1/2 year old little boy, who is really more like a 1 1/2 year old developmentally. Thank you for putting your thoughts down and barring your soul like that. Grace is sufficient.

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  22. One of the greatest gifts you can give anybody is the gift of your honest self. – Fred Rogers

    How kind of you to share your honest self with us as you allow God to weave His truth and message over your heart this season. You have really encouraged me to be vulnerable to the Lord and allow Him to be enough. I feel like it's a daily battle to really practice what I preach to myself. God is enough! More than enough! Believe it and live this truth, Rachel.

    Praying for you and your family...oh the growth that you are experiencing by letting God reign! Hang in there, Jami!

    P.S. I want Lila to be my fashion stylist. Life seems more fun with those wonderful "choices."

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  23. Yay for little victories of the heart! Yay for whispered reminders of His love and grace. Yay for soccer! And yay for dear sisters in Christ that are willing to share trials and successes alike. I can hardly wait to meet you...someday for sure. :) Funny thing, many times when I was stumbling out of bed for the 6th or 7th time in the night, I would beg God: Please, oh please make them go back to sleep! And He would reply with that same whisper to my heart: My grace is sufficient. And it was. And it is. And it always will be.

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  24. I just read the story about the father asking Jesus to heal his son, when he asks Jesus to heal his unbelief. And it really resonated with me, I need Jesus to heal my unbelief, too. Thank you for your words!! They move hearts :)

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  25. I just wanted to tell you that I live in Olathe, KS and my daughter is hearing impaired. She has cochlear implants. She is almost 4 years old and developmentally around 2.5 years old. I just wanted to tell you, you are not alone. I feel and plead the same things as you do to God. And you know what, God says the same things to me. My daughter is not mine, but His. He could heal her instantly and make her "normal" But she is perfect and normal just the way she is. I daily have to take up my cross and remember this.

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  26. thank you so much for sharing this honest, vulnerable, amazing heart of yours...I thank God for it..

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  27. thank you so much for sharing your honest, vulnerable, messy, amazing heart...it encouraged me so much and I thank God for it!

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  28. He is soo good. His ways really and truly aren't our ways. I loved everything you wrote and I needed to hear it. I've been pushing against who my son is with who *I* want him to be again. I've been stomping my feet and saying God, he's 12, we've been in and out of hospital countless times. Heal him!
    And then this morning, into my angry heart flowed:

    When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
    When sorrows like sea billows roll;
    Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
    It is well, it is well, with my soul.

    And then I read this and I am a hot mess of sweet grace-filled conviction. Thank you.

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  29. Just bawled my eyes out, loving on Lila. She is so precious and adorable. I know it has to be tough... I'm a teacher, but what a blessing she is. Keep loving that girly, you are a blessing to her too!

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  30. Oh man, heart issues are the worst. I had to face some last week. My son decided he didn't want to play football in high school. I was mad because I had plans and dreams of sitting in the stands watching him play... But I agree God so lovingly points them out, and so willingly heals them.

    Sending you lots of prayers tonight jami. Thanks for always keeping it real.

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  31. Jami-

    you have the most real and powerful posts related to our Lord. I've never read a blog that makes me yearn to know my Father like yours does. All I can say is thank you, and I'm glad I found you.

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  32. thanks. this post helped me breath a little bit better.

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  33. thank you. this post helped me breathe a little bit better.

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  34. Thankyou for sharing life as it really is. Yes, we all have "issues". Sometimes, when we have questions, instead of answersGod gives us Himself - the comforter.

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  35. Girl, so good. So good.

    Nothing but Jesus Christ and Him crucified.

    xo

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  36. Girl, so good. So good.

    Nothing but Jesus Christ and Him crucified.

    xo

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  37. I want to tell you how adorable and precious Lila is! Everytime I see her I think "what an adorable little girl!" I'm praying for the struggles though. I think Lila will make a difference somehow. I see so much light in her eyes (which probably isn't so apparent when she's coloring on her sister or the couch ha) Just wanted to take the time to tell you she's just precious and encourage you as her mom. You are doing great job!!

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  38. This is so good. I love when you write this stuff out. Lila is precious and the Lord is using her to teach you so much.

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  39. I just found your blog an hour or so ago and it's made my heart happy this morning. In a world so full of being constantly inundated with perfect photos and pretty things (because we all want to show our best, which I am FULLY guilty of), your blog has been a breath of fresh air. And also a big encouragement that there are other moms out there with messy floors, sweet souls and hearts for Jesus.

    I really, really love your blog......and I have no doubt that God wanted me to read a few specific posts that you've shared this morning. Thank you for that!

    Darci
    http://www.the-good-life-blog.com/

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  40. I just laughed thru my tears and prayed for you and sweet girl. I can SO relate to this on SO many levels. I pray and hope for you all the progression and miracles we've had with Jack. It's been a LOOOONG road and some days are really hard (like today), but it's gets a tiny bit better each week. And, once I figured out what triggered his little spots of regression, it was so much easier to avoid that happening. it's so hard and so many of your stories remind me exactly of Jack. It's so hard for me because he understands SO much more than we give him credit for.

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  41. My Morgy was born 3 mths premature- she's so bright & kind & funny! But I know what you mean about those Mama fears. When our children have special needs it messes with us. I've found that my view of special needs has changed. God has softened my heart toward these sweet & vulnerable souls. As it should be.
    I feel for those who are caught up in a world that doesn't accept or cherish them. I promise to pray for you & Lila.

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  42. A friend of mine (who is not a blog writer but is a fabulous blog reader) told me about you while on our girls phone date tonight. Somehow I ended up on this particular post to read first… and found much healing in your words and reminders of our great God. Thank you so much for writing. XO.

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