i was looking online at pictures and came across haiti stuff and i thought, i have to go there. now, i don't get feelings like that. ever. unless you're talking about IKEA.
actually, i did feel that about a country one time, and ended up in spain on a mission's trip for a summer and it was amazing.
so when i felt that feeling again, it was strange and exciting. and SCARY. and, wait, i have kids. how will this work?
and then i texted my friend rachelle, who works for our church and has been to haiti before.
hey, when can are ya'll going to haiti next? and she was all, oh...in may.
ok, i think i'll go.
the words left my mouth and i kind of regretted them. what has gotten into me?!
i'm not going to lie and pretend like i prayed about it for a long time. but i will say, i felt a small stirring and i followed. i used to be adventurous...like when i was young and free and had no children. and somehow, through all of life's changes, i just began to really love and value comfort. and worship it. comfort is a hermit's dream. heaven forbid we are pushed outside of what we know and can control. so here i am, perhaps and idiot. following a small whisper, with a soft heart, asking to see more of God.
after that conversation with my friend, i talked about it with my husband (super backwards. don't do that). he said, you should go. i'll make things work. he is so gracious to me. if he told me he wanted to of to a different country, i probably would have thrown a fit. you can't leave me here alone with the kids!
and then i said, God, i don't even know what i'm doing or saying. i hate traveling. i hate being away from home. i don't like eating weird food. i like taking hot baths. i like mascara. i hate shots, and i know i'll have to get 50 of them.
and he was like, you should go. i'll make things work.
he's gracious too. he didn't say, hey! you're so self consumed. gah. all you care about is you. get over yourself.
nope. just, go. it will be good and i'll be with you.
so i'd love to stand here and say, look at me, i'm a hero! i'm going to build something for poor people! but i'm not. i'm going to play with kids that live in an orphanage.
i'm going to be uncomfortable because i've asked for more from God this year and he said i'm bigger than america. and i don't understand that. so i'm going to haiti to get a new pair of eyes.
i'm not under any illusion that i'm going to "help" people in haiti. i think they are going to help me. i'm selfish and comfortable and i need God to change my heart. i need to see how big God is.
i'm afraid and nervous and i think about dying. it's silly, but any trip i take away, i always am forced to stare death in the face. i plan my funeral in my head and i think about what my kids will remember about me. i may or may not write "if i die" notes. it's so morbid, but I'm a mother, dammit! not a robot. we think crazy thoughts like this when faced with extended trips away.
side note, this is one of the biggest reasons i blog. if i die, my children can know who i was, how i saw them, our memories together, what we loved, what we stood for, and hopefully, it's where they'll hear that the gospel is real and alive. it's so important to tell our story in light of what God has done for us.
all that to say, i'm going. i'm really going. i mean, there's no backing out at this point. it's from may 1-6 and did i say i'm nervous? will you please pray for us. and for the kids and for safety and for God's love to pour out on these kids through a very weak mother?
it's hard to imagine that some of these children have been dropped off or found and go to bed with no back rubs and no parents singing them silly songs and reading them books, and no one looking them in their sweet little eyes saying, you're a treasure and you're mine.
so i'm going to get to do that for a week. give a little mommy lovin' to a sweet child. hugs and back rubs and laughing, coloring, and seeing Jesus because he doesn't just live in america like i picture Him. He sits in poverty and lives with orphans just like he sits in overindulgence and lives in my kitchen. he's everywhere but my view is so small of him.
i want more.