Friday, April 26, 2013

i want more.

well. i'm going to haiti.
i was looking online at pictures and came across haiti stuff and i thought, i have to go there. now, i don't get feelings like that. ever. unless you're talking about IKEA.
actually, i did feel that about a country one time, and ended up in spain on a mission's trip for a summer and it was amazing.
so when i felt that feeling again, it was strange and exciting. and SCARY. and, wait, i have kids. how will this work?

and then i texted my friend rachelle, who works for our church and has been to haiti before.
 hey, when can are ya'll going to haiti next? and she was all, oh...in may.

ok, i think i'll go. 

the words left my mouth and i kind of regretted them. what has gotten into me?!
via minted

i'm not going to lie and pretend like i prayed about it for a long time. but i will say, i felt a small stirring and i followed. i used to be adventurous...like when i was young and free and had no children. and somehow, through all of life's changes, i just began to really love and value comfort. and worship it. comfort is a hermit's dream. heaven forbid we are pushed outside of what we know and can control. so here i am, perhaps and idiot. following a small whisper, with a soft heart, asking to see more of God.

after that conversation with my friend, i talked about it with my husband (super backwards. don't do that). he said, you should go. i'll make things work. he is so gracious to me. if he told me he wanted to of to a different country, i probably would have thrown a fit. you can't leave me here alone with the kids!

and then i said, God, i don't even know what i'm doing or saying. i hate traveling. i hate being away from home. i don't like eating weird food. i like taking hot baths. i like mascara. i hate shots, and i know i'll have to get 50 of them. 

and he was like, you should go. i'll make things work.
he's gracious too. he didn't say, hey! you're so self consumed. gah. all you care about is you. get over yourself.

nope. just, go. it will be good and i'll be with you.

so i'd love to stand here and say, look at me, i'm a hero! i'm going to build something for poor people! but i'm not. i'm going to play with kids that live in an orphanage.
i'm going to be uncomfortable because i've asked for more from God this year and he said i'm bigger than america. and i don't understand that. so i'm going to haiti to get a new pair of eyes.

i'm not under any illusion that i'm going to "help" people in haiti. i think they are going to help me. i'm selfish and comfortable and i need God to change my heart. i need to see how big God is.

i'm afraid and nervous and i think about dying. it's silly, but any trip i take away, i always am forced to stare death in the face. i plan my funeral in my head and i think about what my kids will remember about me. i may or may not write "if i die" notes.  it's so morbid, but I'm a mother, dammit! not a robot. we think crazy thoughts like this when faced with extended trips away.

side note, this is one of the biggest reasons i blog. if i die, my children can know who i was, how i saw them, our memories together, what we loved, what we stood for, and hopefully, it's where they'll hear that the gospel is real and alive. it's so important to tell our story in light of what God has done for us.

all that to say, i'm going. i'm really going. i mean, there's no backing out at this point. it's from may 1-6 and did i say i'm nervous? will you please pray for us. and for the kids and for safety and for God's love to pour out on these kids through a very weak mother?

it's hard to imagine that some of these children have been dropped off or found and go to bed with no back rubs and no parents singing them silly songs and reading them books, and no one looking them in their sweet little eyes saying, you're a treasure and you're mine.

so i'm going to get to do that for a week. give a little mommy lovin' to a sweet child. hugs and back rubs and laughing, coloring, and seeing Jesus because he doesn't just live in america like i picture Him. He sits in poverty and lives with orphans just like he sits in overindulgence and lives in my kitchen. he's everywhere but my view is so small of him.

i want more.




37 comments:

  1. First comment!! <3 I wish I was going too! Lots of love and positivity, AND prayers!!

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  2. this post brought tears to my eyes. my husband and i have talked about adopting from haiti...but the rules are so strict and leave us out of the running for almost another decade. but my heart breaks to think of little ones who don't know the warmth of a big bear hug or the comfort of someone watching over them til they fall asleep. so thank you for sharing your momma love with those little ones. and for showing your own kids by example that there's a bigger picture.

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  3. i like adventure but i worry too much too. i just left my kids for the first time yesterday, and considered 75 different ways i could die and 75 different reasons i shouldn't have gone and all that could go up in smoke because i left. oh, us and our comfort and our worry. you will experience something wonderful and mystic. congratulations.

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  4. i felt the same way when i first agreed to go to Haiti 2 years ago - something crazy came over me and i agreed to go when all the fear in my head was prompting me to say no. Haiti was my first trip out of the US and it changed me. the country is amazing and God is there - praying for you and the team that you will expect to encounter God and that you will carry His presence when you're there!

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  5. I am excited for you. God is doing wonderful things in your life. But also as a fellow hermit, holy molies, I know how scary this will be.

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  6. I'll be going with you (via your site and in thought & prayer of course!) I too want to do this but don't know how...with finances, kids, you know it's all holding us back in ways that it shouldn't...but YOU are DOING IT.
    Amazing! I can't wait to hear of the stories!!! Be brave!

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  7. proud of you for being obedient.
    praying for you as you prepare for your trip!

    xoxoXO

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  8. I know you don't know me, but I've been reading your blog for a long time. Kind of creepy, I know. (I think we know some of the same people, and I'm in KC, too). Anyways, I know you are going to LOVE Haiti, and I can't wait to read about your trip. It will be an eye opening/life changing experience. I went to the same place (from the video) in June/July of 2011. I'm sure you've talked to plenty of people who have already gone, but if you're interested, you can read my blow-by-blow account of my trip starting here: http://life-with-tk.blogspot.com/2011/06/haiti-here-i-come.html. (Separate post for each day.) Have a great trip! I will be praying for you! :)

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  9. Amazing. I love that you followed when you felt God call - and I can't wait to hear about the trip!

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  10. Ok, no more lurking for me! I just have to say that you and I are so alike! I dream of going to Haiti on a mission trip...almost weekly. It's in my heart, it's on my mind, it's something I will do within the next 5 years...before I turn 40. In fact my church is going in November...but guess what? We are going to be on a cruise...I mean seriously what is the irony on that? We will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary all while people from our church will be pouring love on these kids.

    Thank you Jami Nato for being so transparent and inspiring me to be more of than hands and feet of Jesus! I will be on the next mission trip in 2014!!!

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  11. Oh and I will be committed to praying for you and your family (along with your team) while you are preparing for and in Haiti!

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  12. I'm so thrilled that you get to go. And for your husband's response- that's amazing. (Ok, I get it. It was from God. But still. Amazing.)
    I hope you take lots of photos and blog all about. I hope I have many many opportunities in the future for trips like this to cuddle babies in orphanages. (Cause I guarantee if I went now, I'd bring a couple home. Shoot. Maybe I should go now.)
    P.S. You can totally wear mascara in other countries.

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  13. wow, that is so awesome. thank you for this. love it. also have a VERY similar mindset when traveling by myself (&/or with parts of the family) as far as envisioning all that funeral hoo-ha :). My own neurosis are many, I always say. we had a little stirring about a year ago and now we are finishing our dossier to go to China to adopt someone. this still shocks me to say/write it out loud. so- you never do know what crazy-amazing things god is gonna do with a timid but audible YES. ;)

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  15. You're not alone. I know about a million people who get as nervous as you before doing something out of the ordinary like this. (Me, included...!) So proud of you!

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  16. Excited for you, Jami! This is a sweet chance. Travel for me is always a good opportunity to kick fear in the butt! He is with you!

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  17. cannot wait to hear about it! makes my heart ache just thinking of it.

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  18. I think you'd enjoy this: http://invadinghaiti.blogspot.com/2011/03/table-for-nine.html

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  19. I think you'd enjoy this: http://invadinghaiti.blogspot.com/2011/03/table-for-nine.html

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  20. This is amazing! My story is slightly like yours! http://amybrennfleck.blogspot.com/p/why-africa.html
    I am praying for you! Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or terrified. For the LORD goes WITH you! He will never leave nor forsake you."

    Here is a song that you might really enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLaIc3z12OM

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  21. Amazing! I will pray for you. I hope you have a wild and heart changing adventure. I can't imagine doing that myself- It scares me to be away from the littles for even a few hours at this point!! I also think morbidly when ever I have to be away... thought I was the only one.
    You go love on those orphans!

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  22. Loved this. :) Makes me want to come with you. I feel what you're saying...the desire to see more of God.

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  23. How great that you just followed His call - your faith is so inspiring!
    Praying for you, your trip, your family, and your travels!

    Can't wait to hear how God will change you on this trip.

    Cheers,
    Niquelle
    1paperplane.blogspot.com

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  24. Can't wait to hear about your trip! My husband has been to Haiti twice on mission trips - once to help with drinking water and the other to help in a dental clinic. Praying for your safety!

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  25. Haiti is the most beautiful place. God is there and he is working in ways that will just amaze you. You are so wise to know that God doesn't need you in Haiti. YOU need Haiti. I am so excited to hear of this trip and the work that God will do in your heart. And while God doesn't need you, he's going to use you! He delights in using us. So I am excited to hear of that too! Praying!!

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  26. girllll. you will have the time of your life!! it will be super hard but seriously sanctification station!! God's got yo' back girly!!

    p.s. don't be scared of shots. when i went to Africa i had to drive an hour to get 4 shots in this woman's house in the middle of nowhere. damn insurance. i survived though.

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  27. p.p.s your last paragraph was beautiful. as well as the entire post. like best one yet.

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  28. We took our kids last year. You can do it! Next time, take the fam. I didn't want to leave the kids and the husband and then try to explain and share this whole whirlwind of a trip with them later. So off we went. Here's the blog. Lots of pics, but thought you'd like to see Haiti with my little white kids mixed in.
    www.munrosjourneytohaiti.blogspot.com

    Can't wait to see your posts!!!

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  30. Just wanted to let you know I am praying you out today!! My heart for missions is so huge, and I know not everyone can go, but I know that those of us whom he does call, no matter how small of a nudge that might be, it is still hard to not go right to the laundry list of excuses as to why not to. I am super proud of you, as I know you love your hermitness :), to respond to that call and to go!! There is nothing like seeing how small your own view of God is in the light of the shining eyes of a little girl or boy who trusts God WHOLLY in the middle of complete and abject poverty. It is hard, but it is the best kind of hard, and I really do wish that every person would be able to go because no picture does it justice, there is just no substitute for holding a hand, smelling the smells (good and bad, mostly bad, but you actually miss it when you come back), and seeing, really seeing up close. So I have totally rambled on, but I just wanted to tell you I am proud of you, and jealous of you, and am praying for you!!

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  31. i bet you're on the plane as i type this...but i will be praying for you.
    it's so painful to see these precious children and how so many of them live(while i sit here in my palace all comfy and cared for).
    it breaks my heart and it's hard to think of unwanted children, alone, not touched or loved. :(
    and i love what you said about God not just being in America...i think that so often of myself...that i limit Him in so many ways, but He is everywhere and the Father to the fatherless and the dearest friend anyone could have no matter where they live.
    so excited to see His working in you on this trip.
    xo

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  32. I can't tell you what a blessing this was to me today. I have been struggling with almost the exact same decisions, thoughts, etc. I have been spending the day praying for guidance and this is so encouraging. So thankful for the body! God is so so good.

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  33. Yet again, I feel like I could have written this. Very similar experience for me...and it seems like the outcome might be the same as well. God is so alive in Haiti. Can't wait to hear more!

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