i'm giving myself some space as we lead up to easter by participating in lent. one of the various aspects of lent is to fast from something. to give something up.
S P A C E
not giving something up because i have to. but giving something up that i find a lot of comfort in, or that i lean on in some way, or that i do very often.
i mean, i could have given up a number of things besides desserts, if i'm honest. a social media fast or unnecessary shopping fast would have been helpful also. one thing at a time, i say! it's typical though for me to identify the number of things i run to to fill my time, my mind, give me comfort, help me "cope", and help me disconnect... and then try and "kill them all!". which is hilarious and impossible. i am always running to something to worship. idols are so easy. so available. so enticing.
which is why taking a break from some sort of habit or regular thing is so good and needed. and gosh, it's so helpful to see my weakness as a human.
every couple of hours i am faced with wanting to eat something sweet. and every couple of hours i have to tell myself no. look to something better. something more satisfying.
we're snowed in and i think, what a great baking day! and then i say, no...spend your time somewhere else. where will you spend your time?
and it's hard for me. it's just a sugary treat/hobby but i get so frantic about it. i have conversations with myself like, if i eat this really sugary cereal, it's not a dessert. right, self?
does this granola bar count as a dessert? no, i could get away with eating it.
why am i staring at these gummy bears. i don't even like gummy bears.
i'll make some bread instead of cookies.
i'm just constantly scrounging around trying to fill the space my NO has left in me.
in fact this week, you might have thought i would lose weight from not eating sweets, but no. at dinner i think, better fill up here! better just keep eating! i'm entitled to eat as much as i want because i don't get sugar.
a desire to fill my stomach points to the desire to fill my heart.
an emptiness in my stomach shines a light on emptiness in my soul.
i am so weak.
and when i say no, i look at my heart response...the scrounging, the deal making with myself, the weakness i proclaim in those things. and i am compelled to say, i need a savior. and also, hi my name is jami and i struggle with refraining from an unnecessary extra! it's absurd considering the hardship and suffering others face in literal starvation.
it is also absurd when i see the great sacrifice jesus made for me when He died for me.
to face the truth head on is quite ugly.
but instead of beating myself up over it, i remember that God says, there's no condemnation IN Christ. this thing we're celebrating at easter, that Christ came and died for people who were weak and damned. because i am found IN Him, i can celebrate my weakness by repenting and accepting the gift of the blood he shed. i can't stand in my own strength and say that i deserve forgiveness for being "spiritual" and fasting and doing good christian-ee things. i mean, look at me. it's pitiful!
BUT i can stand with his blood covering me. it proclaims that the gospel is all i have.
and that is enough.
that's such good news for this sinner!
it's never to late to jump into lent.
this daily guide has been pretty incredible.
also, i'm over here writing about conflict resolution!