do you ever just live a certain way and then that certain way turns into normal?
for me it's busyness. and not resting. and rushing around. and everything is something to do and get passed because there's something next after that. and i'll rush through that too.
and everything is in my way. because i have to get passed you to get done with everything so i can finally take a break.
my kids are in the way. my house is in the way. my husband is in the way. everything irritates me because i have a plan, people!
i'm sprinting through life trying to rest.
all the while demanding, Lord...refresh me! give me rest!
i need living water, but i'm like the sprinter running a race, grabbing quickly for the water and knocking it out of God's hand as i rush by. there's only a drop in the cup by the time it gets to my mouth.
in the name of ministry.
i'm "ministering" to others, and i neglect my responsibilities God gave me first as a wife and a mother.
i'll make dinner. IF i have time.
i'll read you a book, child. IF i can fit it in.
i'll have sex with you, husband. IF it works out.
i have an idea, everyone gets 5% of me. never 100%.
what a disservice.
this weekend someone asked me, if you're writing checks out of your emotional and physical bank account, where are you spending your money? not where you think you should spend it, but where ARE YOU spending it?
honestly. right now.
oh....let me check the balance.
1. other people
2. other people
3. other people
4. other people
5. God, my husband, my kids, my hobbies, my photography, everything else...
what should my priorities be?
2. my husband
(these last three in no particular order...they always change too)
22.214.171.124. don't really matter at this point.
i'm having trouble seeing beyond number 5.
forgive me. i have taken something good and turned it into something i worship more than you. in the name of doing "your work" i have exhausted myself and my family. i am tired and worn out and have nothing to give. i have said yes to everything and no to you.
i have said subtly in my heart that everyone needs me. that i am a savior. i am arrogant and prideful and i do not see myself rightly. please help me to let go of thinking that i am in control and that you need me to do your work. you don't need me to do anything for you. you will do your will with or without me, not because of me...and apparently in spite of me!
my solution is not tips and tricks to being a better wife and mother. it's not being more organized. it's not a better calendar. it's not energy drinks and coffee. and it's certainly not waking up in the morning and doing "better". i fail every time and then live in shame that i can't get it right.
i need something more.
please help me walk in repentance and in obedience. you are my only hope.
help me remember that you call us to rest and not to busyness. as i take a step back from many things, help me to see you more and me less. i am desperate for you to fill me up with rest that comes only from you.
amen. and amen.
and also, amen.