i remember throwing my mother a 30th birthday and thinking that she was ancient. and now that i find myself in a similar position, i am like, wait, that's young. 31 is the new 21. grey hairs are the new black. muffin tops and soft, pliable arm fat are all the rage somewhere in the world where they don't read magazines about "summer arms" and "how i look boney and unhealthy because i don't eat cookies for breakfast".
i eat cookies for breakfast.
anyway, i was telling nato the other day that i've never felt more like me.
i've never felt so alive in my brain and walk with Jesus. in my creativity and in our marriage. as a mother. wait. hold on... as a mother, i've never felt so tired in my life. and actually everywhere in life...i've never felt to exhausted. how is it that i feel vibrant in my heart and mind and exhausted physically? i attribute it to not drinking coffee. (i hate the taste)
so at 31, there are a couple of things i'm still trying to understand about me. it was just this year i discovered that i'm kind of an introvert. if you met me at a party, you would be like, that girl is an extrovert to the max. she should stop doing her weird dance moves that consist of things she learned from 1)jazzercise or 2)80's workout videos (which are the same thing if you're wondering). and she should stop telling embarrassing stories about her B.O. being so terrible at her doctor's appointment that she had to use hand sanitizer from the desk, under her armpits while waiting to see the doctor.
it burns a little. just FYI. but totally did the trick.
so what's strange is that i really do like people. and i have fun when i hang out with them. and i need people in my life... but people make me tired. i feel like it's a shameful admission.
if i'm at a party, i'm generally always wanting to go home and put on my yoga pants and do some hot yoga for an hour...just kidding...i wear yoga pants and watch shows. sometimes people are doing yoga in the shows, most of the time they aren't. this is neither here nor there.
when my husband gets home, i ask if i can go to the attic for a while. or rest for 20 minutes. i love to be completely by myself. like a strong need for hermitude daily.
when we get snowed in, i'm thrilled. when things get cancelled, i feel like i just won the lottery. when i'm alone, i feel like i can finally get things sorted out that are running around in my brain. i never noticed this about myself until lately.
(yes, i almost bought this)
i also don't constantly want to be around people. my husband(and layne and lila) would seriously live in a commune situation and love it. he loves being busy and hates being bored. i thrive in boredom. boredom is the mother of all invention. wait, that's not the famous quote.
anyway, i am working through getting to know myself more and not being someone who i thought i was supposed to be. i don't need to feel bad for being a slight introvert. half introvert. ok, maybe 3/4ths introvert. see? still coming to terms with it.
at the same time, i need to embrace that in motherhood, i can not hermit. i have humans to take care of and to discuss the inter-workings of a worm. those humans like hugs and books and holding hands and conversations. and they do not stop needing you until they go night-night.
and right now in life, we are not in a position in life where i can waller in hermitudinal living (this is a made up word). it's like i'm learning that i'm introverted, but then concurrently, God has placed us in a sort of lay counseling time of life where our home is a revolving door for hurting people. phone calls and visits, meetings and intense conversations.
all that to say, God has me working outside of what i feel most comfortable in. i love control and then don't get to control when someone has an emergency. when their marriage is falling apart or when they're having a hard time and need to talk.
i love alone time and rarely get it. even when i plan it, often it doesn't work. remember that post about balance? i truly believe there's no such thing. i don't need tips and tricks on how to serve myself better and feed my personality label. i need to look at God and ask him to help me be obedient when it feels very uncomfortable. even if it means functioning outside my natural bend.
(in the same way, you busy extroverts out there shouldn't avoid good old quietness because it makes you uncomfortable. we all need to stop using our personalities as a crutch. )
i am trying to find in the bible where it says, find your personality label and then only operate in what the label says you can do. but it's not there.
so...pity party for me, right? (huh! huh!...hearty sarcastic laugh....)
no. God is working on me.
sanctification station. in that i must lean on Him and into Him for times when i think situations are beyond my personality capabilities and my energy level. i am learning to stop saying, it's just my personality! in order to avoid a challenge that leads to greater intimacy with God.
He is the source of energy that never runs out. He does not sleep and He does not get tired. He has endless patience and endless love. endless courage and wisdom. when i find myself getting lost in my limitations, i look at the limitless power of our God. and that is good for me: to be weak and in my weakness find strength in Him.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.