Thursday, June 7, 2012
i baffle myself.
lila is my conundrum of a child. my challenge. and perhaps most importantly, an avenue for my continual sanctification.
sometimes, if you look closely, another human can show you all the idols you hold in your heart.
lila shows me the way i love approval of other moms.
i want you to think i am doing a good job.
but what do you know, other mom's sometimes look at me weird when lila talks her gibberish. and when she hugs their kids too hard. or when she's too aggressive. or when she doesn't respond to their questions.
i'm very aware that lila has no friends. and part of that is my fault...i don't want her pushing over your kids. and it's hard to get a talking to from a mom-- even if it's with her disapproving eyes. it's also difficult for your child to be friends with a gal that doesn't make a lot of sense when she talks. and so shamefully, i don't pursue friends for her.
she has no idea that she's different, from what i can tell
it's only that I know she's different. that I want approval. that MY heart shows it's darkness when i am not satisfied with this process.
it shows itself in the way i want to make lila learn
and be good
and act like the other girls her age.
when it doesn't go my way, i tell God that i am better at control than he is.
i can do this better. i can make her better with more therapy. i don't need your help because you are not doing it like i thought you would.
and so, lila shows me how much i love control.
the problem is, i am out of control. i hold no power over the weather.
i can't make a port for IKEA to bring their magic ship to KC.
i can't make myself like math.
and i can't make lila learn faster.
i go back and forth like the Israelites. when i read about them, i think. seriously?...he keeps telling you to stop worshiping idols and then you do.
and then it works out really bad for you.
and then you get desperate and come back.
and he says, stop. i told you i'm enough for you. those idols will kill you.
then you come back to God.
sad thing is, after a while, you get distracted again.
the next thing you know, you are carving an idol. with your own hands.
even though i know that putting my hope in God brings life and putting my hope in my idols brings death.
See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse: the blessing, if you obey the commandments of the Lord your God, which I command you today, and the curse, if you do not obey the commandments of the Lord your God, but turn aside from the way that I am commanding you today, to go after other gods that you have not known.
and in the same way that i am baffled by the Israelites, i am baffled by my own tendency to hoard idols of approval and control. why do i pick the curse that brings death?! it's insane. but my heart wants to go that way.
and that's what i do with lila. i take this great thing that God made perfectly, and whittle away at it until it is fashioned into something unintended to satisfy any of my needs. and it fails me. miserably.
i only noticed at the park yesterday when 2 girls lila's age were talking back and forth. lila comes into the mix and just smiles and follows them around. they race to the tree and she can't keep up. they come back laughing and talking and lila walks over to the swings by herself.
ma. ma. poo-ssssssh.
and i feel the pang of sadness and pain. sissy...i want to make it better. i want you to have friends...
but under that is, Lord you didn't make her the right way.
which is to say, i can do this better. let me take the reigns.
and under all of that is unbelief and and worship of other gods.
God tells us to let go of our idols because they will fail us and destroy us. having those idols removed is painful because they are embedded so deep in our hearts...often times, those idols come to the light in painful situations. wherever there is pain in your life, generally, you can find some sort of thing you love to put your hope in rather than Jesus. the only one who can satisfy your deepest longings. even when things are bad or not like you planned.
i have to continue to trust that God is doing something with our suffering and our pain. he said that he was using it for His glory. i need to believe that in my heart and stop relying on other things to fix my situation. hell, they may never be FIXED anyway. that's not the point. God's not my genie in a bottle. we are here for His Glory not ours.
i must trust him when He says, this is for your good and my glory.
i want those words to wash over me every morning before my feet hit the ground. and when my eyes open and i stare at the ceiling and repent, i will ask God to give me a new heart and a new mind. that i would seek His glory and not mine and that i would walk in obedience when i see sweet lila. so i can say, this is how God made my baby.
and it is for his Glory.
(side note, don't forget to enter the giveaway above)