i don't know why i was so terrible to my siblings growing up, except that it was how i released creativity? all growing up, i only knew that i loved art class. and when we did a project, i really got into it. but i wasn't smart enough to know that i needed a creative outlet.
my creative outlet became my siblings. a blank canvas of malleable minds.
so let us reminisce. aunt marie-therese says confession is quite therapeutic, so i'll give it a go.
i never did anything mean to my older sister, for all growing up, she made me believe that i was a robot and she could turn me off at any moment. it is a cruel world when a gal doesn't know if she is real or machine made. i looked for hours and hours to find the switch she was talking about. but to no avail...so, in fear, i left her alone because i didn't want to be turned off. this robot had things to accomplish.
at night. when we slept, i held her hand. because she told me witches would take me away. i did this for years and then she got me to hang onto her shirt instead because my hands were too sweaty. i mean, she could have just told me there were no witches. but this is neither here nor there.
so you can understand why i did tell her to jump out a 2 story window because "i saw my friend do it". i almost got her to jump but am glad that in the end, she believed common sense and fear, over me. i must believe that when i told her this, i truly thought she would land safely. for real. i did. i think?
that makes me sound terrible. but i don't even remember it happening. karli tells me this story all the time to make herself fell better about the robot situation.
oh...haha...awkward laugh-sigh and side glance. lone tear.
anyway, most of the terror falls on my younger sibs. such pliable little brains. ready to be taught the ways of the world. lessons i was ready to teach.
keaton and grant are twins. when they were in elementary school, i fashioned a giant hershey kiss made out of mud. sprinkled with sugar. dried in the sun, wrapped in foil, and toilet paper billowing out of the top proclaiming the famous HERSHEY brand. i assure you it looked jankety. but to the untrained eye, it looked fantastic.
i watched them so excited to eat this marvelous creation. i loved seeing their faces move from delight to disgust as they got past the sugaree top coat. gagging and running inside to tell on me. the lesson here is that if you hide long enough, people will see the humor in such crimes. that's when you reappear.
the boys didn't eat dirt again after that(to my knowledge). some people have to learn the hard way that dirt is for planting things and not eating. i'm glad i was to teach them such a tangible lesson.
another such crime involved the video camera. many a paula abdul music video was made from this gigantic recording device. but the camera was also used for trickery. with the camera hidden(i.e. draped sneakily by some hot pink towels...what?), i put the boys in a room with a pair of turquoise high heels. do not touch these heels. these are very important to me. they must not be worn by anyone but myself! i mean, don't worry that i looked like a hanson band member...so wearing heals was not my jam considering i was a tom-boy in the greatest sense of the word.
i left them in there for a couple of minutes. standing outside the door. i heard lots of whispering lots of chuckling...sufficient time for them to walk around in the heels, i supposed.
and then i, of course, asked them if they wore the heels. no way! they said.
oh then you won't mind that i recorded you the whole time?(said like the "to catch a predator" guy).
of course, we play it back and not surprisingly, they are traipsing around in the heels.
i felt extremely satisfied with my findings and showed the rest of the siblings. although, i'm not sure what the whole point of this exercise was. i was perhaps a tormented, creative soul that was bored? these and other questions will be answered upon arrival at the pearly gates.
audrey will die when i tell the world this, but she will eventually get over it.
i made her poop off the fort once. dad built a giant, 3 story fort in the back yard and there were lots of trap doors every where. a person would naturally assume that one of the trap door holes should be used for a bathroom. duh. so i drew a toilet seat with chalk and told her she was not allowed off the fort. i pretended like we were playing a game and we were on ship or something dumb. and she did poop. and i did make her wipe with leaves. and i did make her clean up the poop and make fun of her for actually doing what i told her to do. it has sense scarred her. so much so, she brings this delightful story up at parties and in large groups of people, say... at church.
good times...uhhhh...ha...sibling fun?no? you guys played scrabble and pushed each other on the tire swing? so fun....
potential friendships have surely been lost because of this story. but let us not ignore the fact that audrey is a stronger person because of this incident. not many people can say they pooped off of a fort. and had there wherewithal to clean it up. kudos. (this is where i stand up and do the slow, inspirational clap)
back to my confessions.
i also made my siblings spend a whole day painting the fort with berries from a nearby tree. one by one. smearing the berry on the wood. don't worry, i did none of the work...i think i read a book in the corner. and by the end of the day, they completed about 2 square feet. it was incredible. people had splinters but it was well worth the work! i told them. until it rained and was washed off the next day. but idle hands are no good to anyone, so i figured the community was well served in my distracting them for a day or so. also i believe i actually may have spearheaded the green movement with such an environmentally friendly paint choice. for that, i can not be judged. we can all agree on that.
what was not a healthy choice was the time i made my sister courtney smoke yellow construction paper in the fort. now i can't take full credit for this one. my brother, andrew, helped me roll the paper. and with some good old fashioned peer pressure, she smoked it. and a few of the burning paper shards went into her throat. my throat is burning! i can't breathe!
oh silly, it's not really a cigarette(which was true) and that's only "pretend smoke" and "pretend fire". and also "don't tell on us."
courtney never smoked again. so i believe she has me to owe for this gentle prodding in the right direction.
that fort was the source of many a fun time. including the times i made out with my mormon boyfriend in the tower only to find out my bothers watched the whole thing and then made fun of me the next day and forever. they still taunt me. no, you stop...no you... if this isn't reason enough to not make out with people before you're married, i don't know what is.
so ya, the list goes on and on. i think we still have the letter i typed on a typewriter(and sent through the mail) to my brother who's toenail fell off because of some rough housing... i thought it would be funny for a letter to arrive the day after he got home from the doctor saying, that his big toe would have to be amputated off. that he could never play sports. that he would perhaps need a wheel chair. and that there were now many improvements in the prosthetic toe arena that would maybe make his life easier in the future. in the meantime, you should make sure to tell your friends and classmates of your hardship so they can support you through this traumatic time.
i think we had to end that joke after 2 days because he was devastated. and all of his friends knew. and people were asking if it was true. but whatever. i think we can all agree that grant learned to take care of his toes after that. yes he did. and you know what? we should all be a little more thankful after facing what possibly could happen when we are careless with our toes.
i really left the youngest, maggie, alone. well audrey and i did wax her unibrow off when she was in 1st grade. but i think that was more of a blessing than anything else. no one wants to look like frida khalo. not even in 1st grade. and look, now she's an esthetician so i mean, i can't really be sorry for helping her find a career.
perhaps if i would done more terrible things to her, we could have all avoided the infamous dad riding the boy down the stairway incident. but one must not look back. we must move forward and not focus on things we could have done differently. pranks we could have played.
so as usher so eloquently put it, these are my confessions...
luckily i have found a more conducive creative outlet through photography, and writing, and folding socks. the world is better place when are talents are ushered in the right direction. i think we can all agree on that. just ask my brothers and sisters.
side note: if you're wondering our birth order it goes like this:
audrey & andrew (twins)
keaton & grant (twins)
i would tell you their ages but i get confused.