Friday, March 16, 2012
this one glorious night.
i've been thinking a lot about the best selling book that i'll write one day. it will be about my childhood. and growing up in a family of 10. and then being a part of that same family, but all grown up. i would like to tell you my family is perfect and completely functional.
this is not the case.
we are dysfunctional.
hi my name is jami, and my family is weird.
my family is fun and hard and good and frustrating and crazy. and as insane as it is, i like my family.
my parents are dying right now, like what's she going to write? how do hack into her account and delete her posts? i hope she doesn't talk about the time dad rode a boy down the stairs in a bathrobe because my youngest sister snuck him in this one night.
this one glorious night.
it was the night of my younger sister, audrey's wedding. the day was full of celebration and my belly was full with lila. 8 months pregnant. my sister was rude and didn't plan her big day around when i was skinny. like that day was all about her, or something so selfish.
(me, karli,audrey,courntey, maggie)
every girl in the family has been married in the backyard. except for my older sister Karli, who got married in a church and then had a reception in the backyard. so that still counts. anyway, dad builds something new in the backyard for each wedding. for karli's, it was a covered patio. for my wedding he built and AMPHITHEATRE in the damn yard. with no plans, my friends. he just starts building a giant stage of sorts. it's actually really creative. completely unsymmetrical in some aspects, but very creative. for audrey's wedding, it was an entrance thing. and by that i mean, a 50 foot by 20 foot wooden, renaissance period piece as an entrance to the backyard. what? i know. actually i don't know. i still don't know what to think about it when i see it. i have asked mom to ask him to take it down. she said, just think when it's all covered with vine!
for courtney's wedding, he built these gates/doors so they could be flung open when she walked down the isle. they probably weigh 2000 pounds. no, but seriously. it takes two strong men on each side to pull them open. i mean, they are pretty. they aren't attached to anything though. just gates in the yard. so ya...
maggie, the youngest girl, isn't married yet. i'm thinking dad will build a wooden dinosaur with wheels on it for her to ride down the aisle. it's just an idea.
back to audrey's wedding. the wedding(read: HUGE party) was great. the beer was flowing like wine. and no one noticed that maggie had left. i mean, she was 17 or something so no one was worried.
so all the guests leave, we halfway clean up, and people go to bed. there are tons of guests staying in my parent's house. in fact, every room is full. there are 10 rooms. that's a lot of guests.
everyone is tucked nicely in their beds, exhausted from helping with the wedding, when mom shoots up in bed at 2am and yells, there's a boy in the house!
this is much like the time my mother said, do you have a tattoo?
no...pssshhhh...i don't even have my ears pierced...so...ummm...no.
i was praying and i think God told me you have a tattoo.
oh, ok. hmmm. ok i do. so whatever.
you can tell your father when he gets home.
so when mother shoots up and says something in the night. it's generally true. she knows all.
my father (a larger breed) wearing only boxers, throws on his God-forsaken, hunter green bathrobe. it's a shorter bathrobe, like thigh length. which to me says one of two things: it's too small or it's a woman's robe. either way, he's had it for far too long and it's embarrassing to the world.
dad runs up the stairs and is yelling for maggie to come out of her room. she won't.
the door's locked.
she finally opens the door and yelling continues.
there's actually a lot of yelling at this point. people are peaking out of their rooms. dad does not notice, for he is looking to eat a young man alive.
now maggie's room is kind of a loft space. there is a set of stairs there that goes to another level. and as dad traveled up the steps and opened a door to a connecting space, it wouldn't open all the way. kind of like when when a rug gets wodded up behind a door. except it was a human.
a real, genuine human boy!
in his underwear.
so this of course angers my father to the point of rage. my friend staying in one of the rooms adjacent to maggie's said he heard a guttural scream. like a man yell from your bowels. which starts with a kermit kind of a yell in your throat and then goes down into your gut and turns into a roar. with spit.
so he throws this kid down the loft steps. it was a small set of stairs, if that matters.
then more yelling. then going out into the main hall where the half naked kid says something like, let's all just calm down.
my dad doesn't enjoy these words. at all. they start pushing around and the next thing you know, dad is riding the boy down the stairs. two men in their under wares barreling down the stairs.
watch this with me in slow motion, won't you?
dad's hunter green robe flying behind him as he's on top of this dude. his legs and knees awkwardly catching occasionally between the railing. both people grunting and yelling with each stair-step in their kidneys. and the loud dinosaurs-must-live-here-rumbling down the stairs brings all the guests out of their rooms to peer at the two men at the bottom. still jostling. in boxers.
they land awkwardly with dad's crotch in the kid's face. have mercy on his soul.
when people told me what happened the next day, at this point in the story, my mother was mouthing across the room to me in a half whisper... his boxers were open. he had no button on his boxers...i told him to throw that pair away but you know your father...
i mean, what were the cops thinking when they showed up? i bet they still talk about this.
anyway, i'm crying laughing so hard. dad limps in. seriously, limps in and says with a texan accent, i've bruised my insides.
i bet you did dad. you rode a young man down the stairs last night.
maggie was sitting in the corner totally pissed. when dad left she said, that boy will NEVER talk to me again. and a lone tear rolled down her cheek as she looked out the window. dad broke that guy's nose.
maggie, dad's junk was in his face. he's probably blind too.
we were both crying. me from laughter, her from genuine humiliation. regardless, i think we shared a real emotional moment together? no?
i texted maggie before i wrote this and asked her if she cared if i wrote about it. she said...haha...ugghhhh, this story will always follow me.
it will maggie. because it only gets funnier every year.