Friday, March 16, 2012

this one glorious night.


i've been thinking a lot about the best selling book that i'll write one day. it will be about my childhood. and growing up in a family of 10. and then being a part of that same family, but all grown up. i would like to tell you my family is perfect and completely functional.

this is not the case.

we are dysfunctional.

hi my name is jami, and my family is weird.
my family is fun and hard and good and frustrating and crazy. and as insane as it is, i like my family.

my parents are dying right now, like what's she going to write? how do hack into her account and delete her posts? i hope she doesn't talk about the time dad rode a boy down the stairs in a bathrobe because my youngest sister snuck him in this one night.

this one glorious night.

it was the night of my younger sister, audrey's wedding. the day was full of celebration and my belly was full with lila. 8 months pregnant. my sister was rude and didn't plan her big day around when i was skinny. like that day was all about her, or something so selfish.
Photobucket
(me, karli,audrey,courntey, maggie)

 every girl in the family has been married in the backyard. except for my older sister Karli, who got married in a church and then had a reception in the backyard. so that still counts. anyway, dad builds something new in the backyard for each wedding. for karli's, it was a covered patio. for my wedding he built and AMPHITHEATRE in the damn yard. with no plans, my friends. he just starts building a giant stage of sorts. it's actually really creative. completely unsymmetrical in some aspects, but very creative. for audrey's wedding, it was an entrance thing. and by that i mean, a 50 foot by 20 foot wooden, renaissance period piece as an entrance to the backyard. what? i know. actually i don't know. i still don't know what to think about it when i see it. i have asked mom to ask him to take it down. she said, just think when it's all covered with vine!

for courtney's wedding, he built these gates/doors so they could be flung open when she walked down the isle. they probably weigh 2000 pounds. no, but seriously. it takes two strong men on each side to pull them open. i mean, they are pretty. they aren't attached to anything though. just gates in the yard. so ya...

maggie, the youngest girl, isn't married yet. i'm thinking dad will build a wooden dinosaur with wheels on it for her to ride down the aisle. it's just an idea.

back to audrey's wedding. the wedding(read: HUGE party) was great. the beer was flowing like wine. and no one noticed that maggie had left. i mean, she was 17 or something so no one was worried.

so all the guests leave, we halfway clean up, and people go to bed. there are tons of guests staying in my parent's house. in fact, every room is full. there are 10 rooms. that's a lot of guests.

everyone is tucked nicely in their beds, exhausted from helping with the wedding, when mom shoots up in bed at 2am and yells, there's a boy in the house!

this is much like the time my mother said, do you have a tattoo?


no...pssshhhh...i don't even have my ears pierced...so...ummm...no.


i was praying and i think God told me you have a tattoo.


oh, ok. hmmm. ok i do. so whatever.


you can tell your father when he gets home. 


damn.

so when mother shoots up and says something in the night. it's generally true. she knows all.

my father (a larger breed) wearing only boxers, throws on his God-forsaken, hunter green bathrobe. it's a shorter bathrobe, like thigh length. which to me says one of two things: it's too small or it's a woman's robe. either way, he's had it for far too long and it's embarrassing to the world.

dad runs up the stairs and is yelling for maggie to come out of her room. she won't.
the door's locked.
she finally opens the door and yelling continues.

there's actually a lot of yelling at this point. people are peaking out of their rooms. dad does not notice, for he is looking to eat a young man alive.

now maggie's room is kind of a loft space. there is a set of stairs there that goes to another level. and as dad traveled up the steps and opened a door to a connecting space, it wouldn't open all the way. kind of like when when a rug gets wodded up behind a door. except it was a human.

a real, genuine human boy!

in his underwear.

so this of course angers my father to the point of rage. my friend staying in one of the rooms adjacent to maggie's said he heard a guttural scream. like a man yell from your bowels. which starts with a kermit kind of a yell in your throat and then goes down into your gut and turns into a roar. with spit.

so he throws this kid down the loft steps. it was a small set of stairs, if that matters.

then more yelling. then going out into the main hall where the half naked kid says something like, let's all just calm down.
my dad doesn't enjoy these words. at all. they start pushing around and the next thing you know, dad is riding the boy down the stairs. two men in their under wares barreling down the stairs.

watch this with me in slow motion, won't you?

dad's hunter green robe flying behind him as he's on top of this dude. his legs and knees awkwardly catching occasionally between the railing. both people grunting and yelling with each stair-step in their kidneys. and the loud dinosaurs-must-live-here-rumbling down the stairs brings all the guests out of their rooms to peer at the two men at the bottom. still jostling. in boxers.

they land awkwardly with dad's crotch in the kid's face. have mercy on his soul.

when people told me what happened the next day, at this point in the story, my mother was mouthing across the room to me in a half whisper... his boxers were open. he had no button on his boxers...i told him to throw that pair away but you know your father...


i mean, what were the cops thinking when they showed up? i bet they still talk about this.

anyway, i'm crying laughing so hard. dad limps in. seriously, limps in and says with a texan accent, i've bruised my insides. 

i bet you did dad. you rode a young man down the stairs last night.

maggie was sitting in the corner totally pissed. when dad left she said, that boy will NEVER talk to me again. and a lone tear rolled down her cheek as she looked out the window. dad broke that guy's nose.

maggie, dad's junk was in his face. he's probably blind too.

we were both crying. me from laughter, her from genuine humiliation. regardless, i think we shared a real emotional moment together? no?

i texted maggie before i wrote this and asked her if she cared if i wrote about it. she said...haha...ugghhhh, this story will always follow me. 

it will maggie. because it only gets funnier every year.

98 comments:

  1. Seriously. You have the best story telling skills hands down! I'm sitting here, drinking my chai, and I'm sharing a tearful moment as well. Just when I think I can't laugh any harder at your stories...

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  2. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for this story. I just may read it every day.

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  3. can i be a part of your family! HILARIOUS!!!! like I almost peed my pants funny stuff!!!!

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  4. oh my goodness....you have made my day. i am laughing so hard my stomach hurts!

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  5. Thank you for sharing that. I'm not sure if anything will seem funny ever again after reading this story! I am laughing with you. ahahaa...riding that boy down the stairs!! And tell you sister thanks, I don't know if I would let anyone share that story if it were me! I think I will be laughing all day. Please write a book about your family, I imagine it only gets funnier. Maybe wait til Maggie is married and rolling down the aisle on a dinosaur! HAHA. Best.post.EVER.

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  6. Yeah, that was a weird day after my wedding. I forgot my make-up so we had to stop by. I thought the weird vibe was because everyone knew I had just knocked boots. How silly of me to think that right? Silly.

    I remember laughing so hard that I cried when I heard the story. Is it weird that we laugh about stuff like this? I mean, how could you NOT?!

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  7. with deepest sincerity i THANK YOU for sharing this story. it's friday, i'm tired, i'm at work, and i needed a laugh. a muffled one, of course, since i'm sitting at my desk. i almost spit out my coffee, seriously. hiLARious. i think i love your family too now.

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  8. I loved that wedding...and this story. I remember dying laughing when Audrey told us! Soo funny! Your family is so wonderfully crazy!

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  9. Haha families are so fabulous!

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  10. You are hilarious...I was literally chuckling throughout your entire post...thank you for that...and thanks for sharing all that you do. Happy Friday!

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  11. I am literally crying right now from laughing so hard. Probably because I can imagine in my mind doing this (gross), but also because it sounds exactly like my own dad. Thanks for starting my day off right.

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  12. That? Is a GEM of a tale! Awful and hysterical at the same time.

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  13. Hahaha! Laughing!!! Thank you for sharing the story, funny! I love your blog and you are really good at writing! I would absolutely buy your book;)

    Have a wonderful weekend!

    Love from Norway:)

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  14. Oh My Goodness. Funniest story EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

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  15. oh my gosh. i think i just peed my pants. write your book. now. :)

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  16. omgee. so funny. i was almost crying from laughing! i wish i could share funny stories about my family. i don't think they would find it as funny written on the world wide web as i would. you have a nice family!

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  17. You write a book, I'll buy a hundred copies! I'm in my cubicle trying not to bust out laughing and pee my pants...holding both of those in is a hard task! But...I've managed! This is absolutely hysterical! You SHOULD write a book! You are a freakin hoot!!!!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!

    Happy Friday!!!!!!!!

    AHEM....TO the bathroom I go.....

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  18. OMG!!! I am just laughing so hard... Thanks for sharing that story... does it get told @ every family gathering??? : )
    & Poor, poor Maggie... I can feel her pain...( well, really not so much... it is just too funny )

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  19. This is AMAZING! I am laughing so stinking hard right now! I grew up in a big family and we share so many hilarious/embarassing stories that I want a big family of my own so my kids can embarass the crap out of one another too.

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  20. oh my. lanta. that is hilarious!

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  21. oh my word!
    this is hysterical!

    from, dad will build a wooden dinosaur with wheels on it for her to ride down the aisle,
    to...
    he's probably blind too.

    oh, dear.. what a great story for you all, except maggie!
    :)

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  22. Classic Jami Nato writing right here. Pretty please with sugar on top - WRITE A BOOK!

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  23. Classic Jami Nato writing right here. Pretty please with sugar on top - WRITE A BOOK!

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  24. this has inspired me to write about my sister as an "adult" walking in on my parents doing the deed.

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  25. oh baker family ... there is nothing about this story that surprises me. actually gives me a nostalgic remember-when feeling inside. mags, love and grace to you!

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  26. That is absolutely hilarious--I love it!

    Glad to know that I am not the only one with a slightly crazy family--but I wouldn't change them, they give me far too much entertainment :)

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  27. Good gracious, your mother knows all!

    Maggie, you're a great sport and that IS a hilarious story. I believe it would only be made better with a picture of your dad and the infamous robe. Of course they could be in separate pictures....

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  28. Everything about this story is perfect. Everything. Favorite line: "I've bruised my insides." priceless... I officially wish I was the 11th member of your family.

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  29. oh hai. i'm about to lose my job right now. i'm waiting for human resources to escort me out of my office for laughing so disruptively hard.

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  30. poor, poor maggie. i wish that all dads were as protective of their daughters' virtue, though <3

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  31. Sitting on the couch with Rachel in Virginia. We both giggled.

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  32. I'm dying. Literally. I'm sitting at my desk at work, trying not to snort, I'm laughing so hard. Whenever you write that first best-seller, I'll be numero-uno in line to buy it. Ok, ok, I'll be the first to press a button on my Kindle to download it. Either way, bring on more stories of your crazy family!!

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  33. I lit-er-a-ly laughed. out. loud.

    It takes a lot to make me laugh the way I just did. Oh my gosh. Hilarious.

    Hilarious!!

    I swear my dad would've done the same thing.

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  34. pretty sure i bruised MY insides laughing.
    you slay me! again and again, hilarious!

    lovelove xo

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  35. oh my goodness. i am crying laughing so hard right now!

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  36. I started laughing like a hyena at work and ended up emailing this to my coworker. I've been reading your blog for a few days now and love how genuine you are.

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  37. oh wow, that is hysterical. I never snuck a boy into the house, not that they would've come in because my dad liked to give all of my boyfriends an extensive 2 hour long tour of his gun collection and he was a scary, half crazed looking tour guide.

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  38. OHHHH, you need to tell this story at LEAST once a year!!

    Plus, Maggie should never talk to this guy again, your dad's junk was in his face....could you kiss a face like that.Just sayin

    Too hilarious

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  39. Reading this story is the highlight of my life. Seriously the funkiest thing ever, my word I'm in total tears my kids are worried thinking something is wrong because I'm crying, so amazing. You have a total gift for writing , I would totally buy your book!

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  40. OMG that is the funniest story I have ever read.

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  41. How in the world can this not have any comments?!! It must be because you need to approve them or something, but you're probably laying in bed taking a rest from all of the laughing that you had to have done while typing this. This has got to be one of the funniest, most crazy family stories I've ever heard in my life! I truly hope you do write a book because it's destined to be an amazing bestseller. Thanks so much for sharing this, haha...it made my day!

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  42. BAHAHAHAHA.
    LOVE hearing other peoples crazy family stories, makes me feel like my own isnt THAT crazy after all.
    ........junk in the face, hahahahha. soooo funny!

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  43. I am still laughing out loud. This is hilarious! You surely have a gifted way of telling a stories.

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  44. No kidding, I am laughing so hard right now! Total mental picture of your dad in his robe with gapping boxers straddling this horrified kids face. i bet he NEVER again snuck into a girls room...scarred for life!!!

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  45. I literally cried I laughed so hard. So, so, so funny!!!

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  46. I am at my desk, laughing out loud. People are starting to stare, but no matter. This. is. awesome. Thanks to Maggie for letting you share!

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  47. oh my gosh, that is hilarious. I can't stop laughing.

    Way to go, Dad. And your sister is a good sport. :) And I bet she knows her daddy loves her. :)

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  48. oh jami. i needed this this morning!
    i just laughed and laughed.
    the kind that echoes throughout the (thank you lord) empty house.
    what a great story...and you're right it will only get better with age.
    you are my kind of lady.

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  49. Omgeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I envisioned it all in my head quite clearly and it had me laughing extremely hard! Thanks for sharing this hilarious moment! My entertainment for today ;)

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  50. Hysterical! Also, my mother has the Holy Spirit direct line too. She knew when my boyfriend and I "did it" almost before I did. She also knew I was pregs (after I got married, duh) before I did. In fact, I flat out laughed at her and roundly denied it. If she was a different kind of a lady she would certainly have had the last laugh.
    Now that I'm a mom, I sincerely hope the direct line thing is inherited.

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  51. If you're thinking about writing for a living you better get spell check. Underware? Come on english major.

    -grammar fairy

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  52. If your book was a bestseller just imagine what mine would be?! Everyone knows i'm the best story teller.

    -Andrew "the funniest person in the family" Baker

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  53. grammar fairy,

    underware is how we spell it in texas? one time i spelled THE wrong in the spelling bee. no joke.
    but ya, i'll change that.

    also, now writers have people that change misspellings for them. editors and what not. you can be mine. pray about it.

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  54. your entire post was hilarious, but I about peed in my pants(I've had 5 kids), when your mother whispered the part to you about your father's broken boxer shorts. Thanks for the laugh(s).

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  55. i think the grammer fairy is our father. i think. i'm not sure. but i think

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  56. you said "my dad's junk" and for this i giggled and giggled and giggled.

    hysterical.

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  57. no audrey, there's too many words. dad only types in code.

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  58. shouldn't it technically be the spelling fairy? but what do i know, i wasn't an english major.

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  59. duuuuuude. this is hilarious. like the, i think i peed a little, kind.

    and, hi. i'm a closet reader. finally coming out! :) you are hilarious. & your family is adorable. and i think i love you.

    there. i said it.

    still laughing over here!!! bahaaa.

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  60. Best story ever!

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  61. OMG at everything.
    the story.
    your dads junk.
    the boy saying "let's all calm down".
    the grammar fairy.

    it's all the best.
    and i can guarantee that's not linus as the GF. he types like 2 words in his emails, which would normally take me about 15 words.
    he efficient.

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  62. "he efficient"

    apparently i'm efficient too, as i don't need to type "he's" and you get it.

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  63. forget the book - I'm thinking screen play. That story is just begging to be on the big screen! I imagine Jim Belushi as your dad. And I'm praying for that mama instinct about my kids' indiscretions...that might come in handy. Thanks to Maggie for letting you share - that story made my day.

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  64. Are you kidding me... this made my entire decade! umm yup... not my day or year the whole freakin' decade!!!!! That was awesome. Now if it were my 17 year old daughter I am sure that my husband would have done the exact same thing... And I would not have been laughing...
    You need to write a book... YUP! get on that. and God Bless your sister for allowing you to share such an amazing story with us.

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  65. Oh my god this was hilarious...

    I have a similar story that involves my sister and I getting dropped off at our house Easter morning by two male 'friends', one of them yelling a profanity out the car window, my dad waking up to it, falling down the stairs in his tighty whiteys to scream at us and throwing a dog gate...

    Thanks for sharing your dysfunction!

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  66. you should know i'm not a LOL kinda gal, i'm more of a LOTI (laughing on the inside) kinda gal...but as soon as there was "a larger breed" father climbing loft stairs in a mini forest green robe...you totally had me LOLing (in increasing volumes)
    this is so ace.
    you're a gem
    ~d.

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  67. Hilarious!!! Seriously, so funny. Please write a book.

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  68. Who is this grammar fairy? I would really like to meet this hilarious person. Looks like corrections were made.

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  69. I seriously thought you had mistyped at the beginning when you wrote that your dad rode a boy down the stairs.

    Oh my, this story had me busting out laughing. You can't even make something like that up. Way too funny. Thanks for the laugh.

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  70. Seriously! Write a book! Stories like this one make me so sad that I'm an only child..

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  71. My day would never have been complete without this. Love it.

    I will come back often just to re-read because of it's fabulous-ness.

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  72. Cannot freaking breathe. Amazing. I was laughing so hard, my husband came down to check on me, then he read it, laughing hysterically as well :).

    And there is such something so wrong with having to use "junk" and "dad" in the same sentence, and "thighs."...

    And for the record...I teach English and we call them underwares at our house too :).

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  73. Please adopt me.

    That is all.

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  74. oh my...yes, you should write a book, because with material like this...it definitely would be a best seller. Oh. wow. I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard at the computer. You gave a mental picture..partly in which I didn't really want to go there..but just freakin hilarious!

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  75. There are tears in my eyes from crying.

    TEARS. oh this is hilarious!!!!

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  76. it takes a lot for me to laugh out loud while reading, but i am dying right now! hilarious!!!

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  77. Hi there,
    I've recently found your blog and I have to say I've fallen completely in love with it!
    This post had me laughing for 20 minutes non-stop, and as soon as I would stop... it would pop back into my head, I would start up again! So hilarious I read it out loud to my husband today and I'm sending it to my sister to read. Coming from a family of four girls and a very funny dad, I can totally relate!

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  78. I just laughed so hard my throat hurts, I woke my sleeping baby, and I cried!

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  79. This was the best story ever. Hilarious!! xoxo

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  80. Hands Down!!! Funniest story I have ever read!!!! HAHAHA!!!!

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  81. oh HELL that is funny. I am just catching up on all of my adoption blogs, and as yours has always been mistakenly filed under that heading on my bookmark bar, I just had the happiest moment reading this. Thank you. I say to you again, thank you.

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  82. yes, write a book. also, write a "lila was here book" that would just contain one IG photo per page, and no words will be necessary. :)

    it doesn't even matter how many times i hear this story, it's funnier every time. i need to make a visit to your parents' house to see the famous staircase(s) so i can really visualize. does that green robe still exist? if so, please go as your dad for halloween next year. ok?

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  83. can i put my order in for your book right now??
    i'll take misspellings and all.

    what???!!! 10 kids? or was it family of 10? either way WOW?
    i'm ready for a childhood story.

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  84. I told you I would come back. Here I am, crying again from laughing so hard. This is priceless. :)

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  85. I just wanted to say that this story literally made me laugh out loud. And it's inspired me to be a better and more meaningful blogger. That, and it made me go through your archives and read every. single. post. (which probably explains why you now have a bazillion more page views).

    Anyway, I just wanted to say that I seriously love your blog and can't wait to read your next story.

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  86. Wet myself funny. Laughed so hard. Had to get my husband to read it. And bless your sis for letting you write this.

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  87. I laughed SO HARD reading this. Your poor sister! HILARIOUS.

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  88. I can NOT stop laughing!!! I will read this daily when I am needing a little pick me up... Oh lennis. I love that man.

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  89. This made my life better. Like, MY.WHOLE.LIFE. Laughing. Envisioning. Wincing. Laughing again. Awesome!

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  90. it's 3:00 a.m. i'm as sick as a dog and nursing our new born. in an attempt to stay awake i stumbled across your blog....this story did the trick. i'm laughing so hard and trying not to wake my husband. (not sure we'd see the humor right now)

    Reminds me of our house growing up with five girls. my dad too had a bath robe that came to his thighs and might have worn it chasing a boy that knocked on his window trying to sneak me out instead of mine.

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  91. Please tell Maggie thank you for letting you tell that story. I just laughed until I cried reading your account. Thank you! Becca :-)

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  92. oh my friggin' word.
    these stories you haul out just get better and better.
    what the?!
    is this totally serious?!
    i'm dying and laughing my head off.
    my 2 year old keeps coming up to me, "why you laughing mom?"
    she thinks i'm laughing at her.
    gosh... this is probably one of the funniest stories... EVAH!
    i love this:
    "his boxers were open. he had no button on his boxers...i told him to throw that pair away but you know your father..."
    oh yeah... and this:
    "it wouldn't open all the way. kind of like when when a rug gets wodded up behind a door. except it was a human."

    thank you for making my week with this story!
    this is amazingness!!!
    you are a story telling genius!
    and you weren't even there!
    a gift i tell you... it's a GIFT!!!!
    love it!! :)

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  93. this is so hilarious. I think I might get in trouble for laughing loudly in my cubicle. This should be labeled NSFW!

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  94. sometimes i come to your blog and i read this post just because its never not funny.

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