i mean, life is happening over here in this household. it's just straight up, happening.
we called 911 for the first time on friday night because penelope was (awake but) unresponsive to our voice and as we put her in the bath to bring her temperature down, she seized. straight up, one minute of complete and utter loss of control as a mother. watching your baby get stiff and roll her eyes in the back of her head.
i didn't watch, but for 2 seconds. maybe.
i turned around and closed my eyes and i talked with the 911 man.
answering questions and fumbling through our address. no wait, that's my old address...
penelope's fever spiked too quickly and too high and she had a febrile seizure. which i guess is common. or is it ever common to watch your child seize?
ambulance came. yes, i waved them down like in the movies. in hot pink stretchy pants. who even cares, right?
we took her to the ER and she was back to normal in the waiting room. fever down. playing. chugged a bottle.
today her fever is up again so we'll go to the doctor tomorrow.
all that to say, i worry.
and i want to feel like life is normal again.
you know, where i could control things.
i find myself having to say, God this baby is yours.
because for a minute there, i thought she was mine.
i was telling someone the other day, God let's you have them for 2 weeks, or 2 years, or maybe 20. like i knew that in my heart. and then penelope has a seizure and i have this struggle with God. it felt awkward. like 2 people going for the last slice of pizza. oh..sorry...you go ahead.
(comparing a human with food=awkward as well)
it's hard to love something so much and realize you can't control the outcome of their lives. or even their days. and you can't stop them from coloring on the couch. no, you can not.
and why does it make me sad that i can't control their lives? because i think i'm better than God. it's arrogance flashing a smile. i have been alive for 30 years and a mother for 5 years and i think i know better. laughable.
i laugh at you, self.
i just didn't know parenting would be like this. that it's just as much for me as it is for them. because i was that arrogant. like, i'll have some babies and teach 'em some stuff! man, it's gonna be good. they're really going to thank me when they're older.
smoking drugs and calling me from jail.
but as it turns out, this is all a sanctification process. i need this mothering thing. i need my kids to teach me a few things.
those kids don't need me.
pshhhhh, ok let's not get crazy. they totally do need me. i mean, i feed them, for heaven's sake. i let them express their artistic hankerings on a khaki twill couch. and what not. (moment of silence for the sectional)
and i let them write indian with the A backwards.
and most of all, i hope i will mirror the Gospel for them.
that they will know i don't own them.
let them go.