but no. i must torture myself.
so since i use pregnancy tests often, i buy them at the dollar store. i'm not trying to spend $10 per test. the cheap-o ones have worked properly every time. one thing (now that i think about it) that you shouldn't buy at the dollar store are condoms. quality is key on the prevention side, my friends. that is a side note.
so i sometimes go to this super trashy dollar store because it's a little bit closer than the "nice" dollar store. anyway, at the ghetto dollar store, it always looks like they've been burglarized. but they haven't. no, people just leave stuff laying around and the staff doesn't feel the need to "tidy up" or "be a good business". why? because people will always come to the dollar store because...well...everythings a damn dollar. it's amazing.
on that note, when we first got married, i introduced nato to the dollar store. he went with me ONE time and literally, every 2 minutes asked...
is this a dollar too?
that's weird, it's seems like this should be more than a dollar.
hey babe, do you think this really is a dollar?
since then, he waits in the car.
but anyways back to the story. i go into the dollar store and i'm like, scavenging the health isle for prego tests but can't find any. then i remember. at this dollar store, they keep them behind the counter because people steal them so much. naturally.
i remember this because last time i bought them there, the lady was like...why are you buying 10 of these? first of all, just let me buy what i want to buy...i mean who cares. of course i made up a story. oh these are for some gag gifts...
TO MYSELF. haha, self! isn't that funny that you don't keep up with your period?...you could be pregnant. LOL!
so i go up to the sweet old lady behind the counter who reminds me of my sweet mexican friend nancy farren. but 30 years older. and her fingernails are like...out of control long and painted bright red. here is truly our conversation:
hi baby doll, what can i do for you today?
this is where i kind of whisper because there's three people in line behind me. the store is hoppin'!
do you guys have pregnancy tests back there?
no, honey we are out.
well let me see if we have some in the back.
what happens here is basically the opposite of what i thought was going to happen.
much like when your mother tells you to tell the rest of the kids that it's time for dinner. and you stand there in front of her and yell, KIDS! mom says it's timmmmmme for dinner!
and your mom looks at you like...seriously...i wanted you to go upstairs and tell them.
except i'm in the dollar store. in the outside world.
with a long line behind me and the sweet mexican granny yells,
(DaDreena is unpacking boxes across the store. literally across the store on the far away wall. and no, i'm not making up her name.)
she yells back...WHAT!
at this point i wish you could see my face. a car wreck is about to happen and i'm just going to stand there and watch it.
DO WE HAVE ANY PREGNANCY TESTS IN?
PREGGGGNANNNNCEEEEE TESTS IN?
complete silence throughout the store.
everyone in the building has now focused attention on me. i'm an open person in general, so it wasn't a huge deal. but i mean, c'mon. this only happens in the movies.
DaDreena (or was it DaTina?) casually says, nope, we're out.
now pan in on my face for a minute. my head is cocked to the side a little and i have stopped breathing. i took a picture with my phone just now so you can kind of see what i'm talking about.
well thanks for checking.
and i exit. silently. and with shame. even though i'm married and have nothing to be ashamed about.
i mean, i was thanking the Good Lord I didn't go in there for hemorrhoid cream or something. which i also love. not really. but i mean, what if i did...would they yell that? of course she would. nothing is sacred in the dollar store. if you're going to shop there, be proud of your discounts. trade in your dignity and get yourself some off brand ziploc bags!
hello. sign this gal up. anything for a bargain. wait, what?
so ya. that happened.
as it turns out. i'm not pregnant. see here is a real, non-dollar store test to prove it.
if you were on instagram you would know this already. duh.
happy thursday/friday everyone. may your days be full of dollar stores and embarrassment!