Thursday, November 17, 2011

pregnancy testing in public.

 you know how people don't keep track of their period and then they always think they're pregnant? no? that's just me probably. one would think since i pee on a stick about every month, i would say to myself...let's mark this ditty on the calendar and save yourself from being super paranoid constantly.

but no. i must torture myself.

so since i use pregnancy tests often, i buy them at the dollar store. i'm not trying to spend $10 per test.  the cheap-o ones have worked properly every time. one thing (now that i think about it) that you shouldn't buy at the dollar store are condoms. quality is key on the prevention side, my friends. that is a side note.

so i sometimes go to this super trashy dollar store because it's a little bit closer than the "nice" dollar store. anyway, at the ghetto dollar store, it always looks like they've been burglarized. but they haven't. no,  people just leave stuff laying around and the staff doesn't feel the need to "tidy up" or "be a good business". why? because people will always come to the dollar store because...well...everythings a damn dollar. it's amazing.

on that note, when we first got married, i introduced nato to the dollar store. he went with me ONE time and literally, every 2 minutes asked...
is this a dollar too? 
that's weird, it's seems like this should be more than a dollar. 
hey babe, do you think this really is a dollar?


since then, he waits in the car.

but anyways back to the story. i go into the dollar store and i'm like, scavenging the health isle for prego tests but can't find any. then i remember. at this dollar store, they keep them behind the counter because people steal them so much. naturally.

i remember this because last time i bought them there, the lady was like...why are you buying 10 of these? first of all, just let me buy what i want to buy...i mean who cares. of course i made up a story. oh these are for some gag gifts...
TO MYSELF. haha, self! isn't that funny that you don't keep up with your period?...you could be pregnant. LOL! 
not.

so i go up to the sweet old lady behind the counter who reminds me of my sweet mexican friend nancy farren. but 30 years older. and her fingernails are like...out of control long and painted bright red. here is truly our conversation:

hi baby doll, what can i do for you today?

oh. um.
this is where i kind of whisper because there's three people in line behind me. the store is hoppin'!
do you guys have pregnancy tests back there?

no, honey we are out.


oh ok...


well let me see if we have some in the back.

what happens here is basically the opposite of what i thought was going to happen.
much like when your mother tells you to tell the rest of the kids that it's time for dinner. and you stand there in front of her and yell, KIDS! mom says it's timmmmmme for dinner!
and your mom looks at you like...seriously...i wanted you to go upstairs and tell them. 

except i'm in the dollar store. in the outside world.
with a long line behind me and the sweet mexican granny yells,
DaDreena!


(DaDreena is unpacking boxes across the store. literally across the store on the far away wall. and no, i'm not making up her name.)

she yells back...WHAT!

at this point i  wish you could see my face. a car wreck is about to happen and i'm just going to stand there and watch it.

DO WE HAVE ANY PREGNANCY TESTS IN?

WHAT?!

DO. 
WEEEEEEE. 
HAVVVVE. 
ANY. 
PREGGGGNANNNNCEEEEE TESTS IN?

complete silence throughout the store.

everyone in the building has now focused attention on me.  i'm an open person in general, so it wasn't a huge deal. but i mean, c'mon. this only happens in the movies.

DaDreena (or was it DaTina?) casually says, nope, we're out.

now pan in on my face for a minute. my head is cocked to the side a little and i have stopped breathing. i took a picture with my phone just now so you can kind of see what i'm talking about.


well thanks for checking. 
and i exit. silently. and with shame. even though i'm married and have nothing to be ashamed about.


i mean, i was thanking the Good Lord I didn't go in there for hemorrhoid cream or something. which i also love. not really. but i mean, what if i did...would they yell that? of course she would. nothing is sacred in the dollar store. if you're going to shop there, be proud of your discounts. trade in your dignity and get yourself some off brand ziploc bags!
hello. sign this gal up. anything for a bargain. wait, what?

so ya. that happened.
as it turns out. i'm not pregnant. see here is a real, non-dollar store test to prove it.


phew!

if you were on instagram you would know this already. duh.

happy thursday/friday everyone. may your days be full of dollar stores and embarrassment!



65 comments:

  1. congrats. um, i notice your back counter is stunningly clean. it makes me feel like i can dominate the world. and i will

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  2. Best pregnancy test story, ever!

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  3. laughing so hard??? why is it SO hard to buy even when we are married, sheesh....

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  4. LOLLLLL!!!!!!! That is HILARIOUS! So sorry that happened...but its pretty funny! I too have gone in to the dollar store and bought multiple pregnancy tests...only to be given the sideways glance and an especially long glance at my ring finger...to check for out-of-wedlock-ness! Hilarious and embarassing all at the same time! Have a good weekend lady! :)

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  5. Seriously. The best story ever. I laughed out loud the whole time I was reading. I thought the punch line was going to be the 10 pregnancy tests and you were preggers...but the story just kept getting better and better.

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  6. i'm sorry, but this is hilarious. Want to know why? Because I thought I was the ONLY PERSON THAT DOES THIS. I take a pregnancy test almost every month. My friends make fun of me.

    HAHA. Thanks for sharing!!!

    ~em
    talesforkarina.blogspot.com

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  7. ok, first, hilarious!

    Second, my name is Drena so that made me think of myself which tickled me.

    Third, you should totally get this book called taking charge of your fertility. It changed my life and for the first time ever I understood my body and learned to notice the signs it naturally gives.

    What a second. Don't get that book. That would end great stories like these for us! ;)

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  8. OMG. You are the funniest person I have ever met. Ok I actually haven't met you but "funniest person I have ever read" sounds really lame and since I usually start to feel like I know the bloggers I follow I will just pretend we have met. :)
    I bet you will be driving the extra mile to the non-ghetto dollar store next time!

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  9. No, seriously. This was hysterical. But WHAT is it that makes one feel so awkward/weird/out of place buying pregnancy tests?! I mean, I try to hide them under stuff, or slide quickly on the counter--and I'm like, WTF KATIE, you are married. It's okay. You're an adult. CHILL THE HECK OUT.

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  10. You do know the clear blue tests are notorious for being wrong....right?

    Yeah, you know.

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  11. You're one of my favorite people in the world and I've never met you. I dream of having someone like you as a next door neighbor. One day. One day.

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  12. this story is awesome. totally made my night, thanks a TON. :)

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  13. This has SO happened to me before. Because, like you think I'm pregnant every month...like right now for instance...cause I think I'm 5 days late, or maybe only 2, but I don't really know cause I don't keep track. I seriously love dollar store pregnancy tests and my husband just rolls his eyes.

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  14. Oh, this story cracked me up! We totally have a ghetto dollar store by us as well...it's always a disaster and there are some really questionable characters that work there. One of them is definitely a man that is wearing a women's wig. And I've always wondered if those cheapo pregnancy tests work...good to know for next time!

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  15. ok this post totally cracked me up. i so can relate to that feeling. yesterday i was on a flight from london to philly on british air and i was having some *ahem* stomach issues. after about my 10th trip to the bathroom one of the male flight attendants asked me and i quote, "are you alright? do you have the shits?" yeah that really happened. yesterday. i wasn't sure what horrified me more. the fact that he so casually labeled my obvious diarrhea as "the shits" or that he so blatantly called me out on it. oh the horror. i was mortified. he on the other hand was genuinely concerned. he gave me a ginger ale and sent me on my way.

    good heavens. what has the world come to these days? lol

    thanks for the laugh. it's nice to know i'm not alone. and umm please share your instagram username so i can stalk... errr follow you. :)

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  16. I'm a fan of dollar store pregnancy tests too! Praise God...I've never had your experience. I've been taking pregnancy test for a good 5 years nows...never been pregnant. Thankfully the lack of pregnancies brought us our handsome little guy, Max! I found your blog a few weeks ago and enjoy reading often!

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  17. That might be ones of the funniest pregnant test stories I've ever heard. One time at Hen House the checker lady yelled at me as I walked out the door with my prego test, "Hope you get a plus sign!"

    True story. Clearly we both need to find a dollar store where they don't habla ingles.

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  18. Oh wow, I don't even know what to say about this. There was an episode of the Golden Girls where this same thing happened to the girls except they were buying condemns. Classic. Second of all, Hubs and I have been trying over a year to get preggers to no avail and I can pretty much tell you the exact moment my period should start. It's a weird gift. The first few months I did like you and stocked up at the dollar store. I've since promised to save my chaching and only do a pg test if I've missed like two days. Saves on the heart ache too...not having to see a negative. Aaaanyway, don't know why I'm telling you all this. Funny post though. It played like a movie in my head. Those are always fun.

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  19. Wow. Seriously laughed out loud and then read the post to my husband who laughed out loud as well. Great story.

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  20. bahaha! i cannot stop laughing over the simple fact that there is something in the world named DaDreena!

    and FYI, i have been married for 3 years and have thought i was pregnant LITERALLY ever. single. month. perhaps we secretly like the thrill of "ohmygoshwhatifimpregnantholyishbomb"?

    also, how soon after you pop out a baby can you get pregnant? like the next day? and if so, who the eff has sex the day after they have a baby? just wondering. church camp didn't teach me stuff like that.

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  21. Oh my gosh, that is a tad awkward...

    I love your blog, you are so funny!! :)

    Also, love that you have New Zealand music playing! (the Naked and Famous) makes my heart happy to hear Kiwis!

    Ngaio May xx

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  22. Ha! I got the biggest laugh out of this!!!
    Pregnancy tests get stolen here too. So they just lock each test up in a GIANT see through plastic box. Each test gets it's own box. So then you have to take your box up to the checkout for them to unlock it with their special tool.
    I grabbed my giant clear box, a bag of chips and some cookies (to try to hide the giant box).
    After waiting an eternity in line I finally got to the cashier.
    Only for her to tell me to go wait in the next line over because she doesn't have the opener.
    Yeah. Good times:)
    And like you... why the heck am I so embarassed?! haha!
    Thanks for the laugh :)

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  23. That is hilarious! I think the lady at my dollar store has long painted finger nails, too...like the ones you aren't sure how they actually work the cash register at the same time, too? P.S. i voted for you the other day and you had the most votes, so I hope you win!

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  24. Hilarious! I kept chuckling at my laptop and my hubby kept glaring at me because I was interupting ESPN! You need the P.D. (Period Diary) application on a iphone! Love it!

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  25. Ha,ha, hahahaha!!!!
    So my story wasn't so embarrasing and it was at Target, but still fun.
    I had a 4 year old, 2 year old and 4 month old. I am in the line at Target, just getting a pregnancy test. I was certian I was pregnant and freaking out.
    My 2 year old was having a tantrum, the baby was crying and the 18 year old boy checker looked at the test, looked at my kids, looked at me and didn't say a word.
    He literally shook his head in disbelief.
    I wasn't pregnant.
    I was bummed that I wasted $10.
    I never knew about the $store preggo tests. 5 pregnancys later, think of all the $ I could have saved.
    You crack me up!
    Love from,
    Greta

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  26. scrolled down to the pic, because I couldn't wait to hear the end. How, I wish it would have ended differently though!

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  27. I just had an hour long coughing attack because I was trying to muffle my laughing as to not wake my baby while reading that. thanks so much. Plus, the only thing that would have made that story better would have been if you actually were preggers.

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  28. That reminds me of what happened to my poor husband right after I had Lila. I sent him to Walgreens to get some stool softener (you know, because it's terrifying to poop the first few days after you've had a kid) and when he couldn't find it, he discreetly asked the pharmacist to help him by using the brand name. The pharmacist beckoned him to follow as he hollered, "Oh, yeah, the STOOL SOFTENERS? THEY'RE OVER HERE BY THE ANTI-DIARRHEA MEDS." Poor Husband. I can just picture him mumbling, "For my wife...just had a baby..." as he followed the guy with his head down. :)

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  29. I laughed really hard as I read this silently to myself... my husband gave me lots of funny looks. So then, I read it out loud and we were both laughing so hard that I wasn't sure i was going to make it all the way to the end.

    And these comments too. Bethany, "hope you get a plus sign!" I'm dying over here!

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  30. yes. funny story.. but seriously-- they sell pregnancy tests at the dollar store?!!? i could have used this information like a reallylong time ago... because as it turns out you and i don't know much about our menses. <<<--- official name fo yo period. yep.

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  31. This post had me cracking up. I used to feel like I was carrying the success of pregnancy test companies because I was always taking them. My period has always been irregular. It's nothing for me to miss a month or two or three. Yeah, talk about messing with a girl's head. I finally said forget it, if I get pregnant, I get pregnant. I'll just wait till I feel something moving around in there....totally kidding. I have a test in my cabinet just waiting to be used.

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  32. That was a fantastic story! Bravo, madam. Very funny.

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  33. I swear! You should write a book! This is hillarious! Same scenario here. I"m all about the Dollar Store pregnancy tests! And....why such shame...I mean, we are married women! HA! But totally feel ya on this one DaDreena!

    XO
    Annie

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  34. Haha! Awesome. DaDreena is such a beautiful and classy name. I wish Kate Middleton's real name were DaDreena.

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  35. I really thought this was going to be an announcement. I have a special place in my heart for $tree pregnancy tests though. Seriously, why pay $15 for one when they are a buck there and work just as good?

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  36. dollar store tests have NEVER been right for me.

    but aside from that....I cant believe she yelled across the store. I would have melted into a puddle of shame

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  37. And I never keep track and once found out about a friend's pregnancy a month before finding out that I too, was pregnant, due a WEEK before HER!
    We are polar opposites on this one.
    And once I heard a comedian riff on dollar store pregnancy tests...wish I could remember his schtick now...

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  38. darn, I was hoping for another baby~! you make cute ones!
    tara

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  39. How in the world are you this HiLarious? Goodness, you made me laugh. Thank you, Lady. :)

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  40. Wait... those things work? I could have saved so much money in the past! (really i've only ever bought two anyway)

    I'll keep this in mind for the future.

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  41. How in the world to you manage to be this hilarious? Oh dear, you made me laugh so. Thank you for adding some funny to my day with ridiculously crankbox kiddos. I never ever have kept track of my period either, so thanks for the dollar store test tip. ;)

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  42. I read this while on the phone with my mom. I was cracking up, so she wanted to know what was so funny. So I read it to her. She died laughing. I think all women can relate to this. At least you didn't take one in the dollar store bathroom. Ha! (I've done that at Walgreens, and yes, I'm also married!)

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  43. haha, You're killing me Jami, so funny. Seriously though, who knew those tests were $1!! I have always bought the expensive ones!! :)

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  44. i totally do the dollar store bulk buy at least 3 times a year. and they keep them behind the counter here, too. basically because pregnant women are as scandalous as they come.

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  45. Um, I had no idea the dollar store sells pregnancy tests. Let me know if they actually work, your other comment-ers don't seem so sure...

    also, at the dollar store, i love that everything's a dollar, but sometimes i think, "shouldn't this be cheaper than a dollar"... i guess the prices even out in the end.

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  46. That is awesome. I am loving the solidarity I see. We too have spent many dollars on pregnancy tests due to my forgetfulness to track and paranoia. My favorite time buying them occurred when the well meaning awkward checkout man at CVS rang me up, put the tests in a bag, and said cheerfully "I hope you get the answer you want".

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  47. so funny! I still have a stash from my bachelorette party but as soon as those run out I'm going to have to hit up the dollar store. side-note for the ladies: www.tcoyf.com is my life-saver in tracking my cycle. I always know exactly when I'm ovulating and when I'll start my next period with the "my fertility" tool. Cheers!!

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  48. oh this is classic. i love it! love your blog...i am now following along!!! :) would love for you to stop by & visit my blog sometime.

    hugs,
    jessie

    p.s. this really cracked me up. and i do adore the dollar store...yessiree i do! :)

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  49. I love dollar store pregnancy tests. While I was trying to conceive I had a slight addiction of peeing on sticks. There was no way I was going to pay so much for drug store tests. I remember standing in line at the dollar store with a basket filled with about 25 pregnancy tests. Boy was I getting the side-eye from the people in line. It doesn't help that I look like I'm 14 even though I'm almost 32. Good times.

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  50. This was absolutely ridiculously hilarious :) Haha! Thanks for sharing.

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  51. my dollar store keeps them under the counter for the same reason...how do i know? same reason. that's why i buy lots of them on ebay. you can get like 50 for $2. seriously, try it. then you can take 3 a month, like i do sometimes. ; )

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  52. oh, and i just read drena's comment. i have read the book...i own it. b/c we we're labeled "infertile" before having 4kids, we use natural family planning, and i know my body like clockwork, still God loves surprises, so i start testing 2 days before i am supposed to start..just for fun.

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  53. Haha, I know what u mean. Here in Germany we've had an add with condoms: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEe2t3nRB9U
    i hope u can watch this :D

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  54. Ok I cant breathe over here because Im dying of laughter. And also because Im so glad it didnt happen to me. Id never go there again.
    THis is why I follow you...I can always count on a good laugh. And I need them!
    Have a very Happy Thanksgiving. And post your address here so we can all send you some tests,LOL.

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  55. I notice you're still not back to blogging.

    You're totes pregnant aren't you?

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  56. K, I love you, hilarious! I think I am prego about every other month, and Dont you love scouting out tests? ha:)

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  57. BAHHAHAHHA..you kill me. I love the lack of tact some people have...and I know what you mean about being married, for some reason it still feels so personal.

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  58. Totally missed this post a couple weeks ago... So glad you filled me in in person, I could actually HEAR your tone and voice while reading this "DaDreena!" - lol.

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  59. This post is so hilarious! Thanks for sharing your adventures.

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  60. ok, so i've read this story like 20 times and i still don't get it... exactly what part of the old lady at the dollar store reminded you of ME??? HAHAHA

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