well it happened, he saw her. the other woman...she's a real person, you know.
we live in the same city so i knew it would happen, just not when. and i really think God has protected our marriage over the past 2 1/2 years from this. we've gotten to heal without the fuss of HER. but today i was forced to acknowledge that what happened to us is real. he did have an affair. and although time has passed, sometimes it still stings. bad.
hey honey, i need to tell you something. i saw (insert dreaded name i never wanted to hear again), today. (for privacy purposes, let's call her something common like "cruella deville". just kidding, that was a joke. we'll just call her "HER", mkay?)
insert trying not to cry but tearing up and saying,
i saw her and i didn't feel anything but shame. i'm that asshole. i don't want to be that guy. i'm sorry. i love you. i only want to be with you and our family. i'm sorry.
through tears, i had to admit that it scares me because i've been able to pretend that she's not real sometimes. that we've moved on and are happy(because we really are). i also sometimes pretend that now we're untouchable(that's dumb, huh?). so ya, nato now knows where she works. he could very well talk with her. he could see her and want to be with her again. he could leave us.
he could leave me.
these are things that went through my head immediately. and then nato said, baby put your hope in the gospel. and like feeling the sting of a curling iron on your forehead from over-curling your flower bangs in 8th grade, i felt like God was saying, i'm all you need. thinking otherwise will hurt you.
will he see her again? probably. can i wish he lived in a bubble and never encountered consequences of his sin? of course. but that's not how it is. i have to let it go and trust that God is in control and not me. i can't worry enough to make nato not mess up. and while this is just an obvious opportunity for my husband to sin, he actually has had the option to move towards faithfulness or infidelity everyday for 2 1/2 years.
actually, we all do. the trap is set. we can take the bait or not. the opportunity is everywhere. for us, we've seen the bait is not worth it. it looks glamorous and fun and like it won't hurt anyone, but adultery is so destructive and terribly painful. (just watch the news...arnold and anthony are wishing they could go back in time and save their families, i bet.)
and the sting doesn't go away. for a long, long time.
is it a coincidence that all this is happening when we are at our most tired and exhausted? that the last affair happened right after we had lila? hmm, i don't think so. so we are on our guard, for sure. and confident that God will walk us through this bump in the road like He's always done.
i love you nato. thank you for your transparency...i know you could have kept this a secret, but you didn't even though you knew it would hurt me deeply. i am grateful for the "sting" today. it has brought me closer to God and closer to you. you are a good man.
if you want the back story on this, go into the marriage tab to the right and read through our journey.