Wednesday, June 8, 2011

the sting is still there.

well it happened, he saw her. the other woman...she's a real person, you know.

we live in the same city so i knew it would happen, just not when. and i really think God has protected our marriage over the past 2 1/2 years from this. we've gotten to heal without the fuss of HER. but today i was forced to acknowledge that what happened to us is real. he did have an affair. and although time has passed, sometimes it still stings. bad.

hey honey, i need to tell you something. i saw (insert dreaded name i never wanted to hear again), today. (for privacy purposes, let's call her something common like "cruella deville". just kidding, that was a joke. we'll just call her "HER", mkay?)

oh.
insert trying not to cry but tearing up and saying,
oh... ok. 


i saw her and i didn't feel anything but shame. i'm that asshole. i don't want to be that guy. i'm sorry. i love you. i only want to be with you and our family. i'm sorry.


through tears, i had to admit that it scares me because i've been able to pretend that she's not real sometimes. that we've moved on and are happy(because we really are). i also sometimes pretend that now we're untouchable(that's dumb, huh?). so ya, nato now knows where she works. he could very well talk with her. he could see her and want to be with her again. he could leave us.

he could leave me.

these are things that went through my head immediately. and then nato said, baby put your hope in the gospel. and like feeling the sting of a curling iron on your forehead from over-curling your flower bangs in 8th grade, i felt like God was saying, i'm all you need. thinking otherwise will hurt you.


will he see her again? probably. can i wish he lived in a bubble and never encountered consequences of his sin? of course. but that's not how it is. i have to let it go and trust that God is in control and not me. i can't worry enough to make nato not mess up. and while this is just an obvious opportunity for my husband to sin, he actually has had the option to move towards faithfulness or infidelity everyday for 2 1/2 years.

actually, we all do. the trap is set. we can take the bait or not. the opportunity is everywhere.  for us, we've seen the bait is not worth it. it looks glamorous and fun and like it won't hurt anyone, but adultery is so destructive and terribly painful. (just watch the news...arnold and anthony are wishing they could go back in time and save their families, i bet.)

and the sting doesn't go away.  for a long, long time.

is it a coincidence that all this is happening when we are at our most tired and exhausted? that the last affair happened right after we had lila? hmm, i don't think so. so we are on our guard, for sure. and confident that God will  walk us through this bump in the road like He's always done.

i love you nato. thank you for your transparency...i know you could have kept this a secret, but you didn't even though you knew it would hurt me deeply.  i am grateful for the "sting" today. it has brought me closer to God and closer to you. you are a good man.

if you want the back story on this, go into the marriage tab to the right and read through our journey.

52 comments:

  1. oh jami, i will most definitely be lifting you and your marriage up in prayer. hold onto those sweet beans a little tighter. kiss nato a little longer. pray. trust.

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  2. Jami, the sting may never go away, but based on what you wrote, I believe you and Mr. Nato handled it beautifully. You're right, he could have kept it from you, but he didn't out of love for you, for your family, for the forgiveness you gave to him when that happened.

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  3. I think that's awesome he was faithful enough to tell you that he saw her. That might not seem like a big deal, but it's important!

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  4. jami, I really want to thank you for continuing to post the reality of what you guys go through, even though it's much more fun to post pictures of your insanely-cute kids, or all the creative things you come up with...I glean more hope from your continuing story than you could ever know.

    I'm done blog-stalking ya, this is my first official comment, and I want it to be THANK YOU. for letting God work in you, and for choosing to love and trust Nato, and allowing your children and the rest of us readers to see how God can redeem any marriage! It means a lot to me.
    -kara

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  5. Your transparency is incredible...I know God is using it to draw others to himself and spare others the pain that your family had to endure! Thank you, sweet friend!

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  6. it's hard not to look back and feel the sting of it. when we went through that, the HER tried everything to get my husband back even faked pregnancy. BLEH! a year later he saw her and all her family at the hospital and he came right home and told me it hurt, but it didn't get in the way of our progress. we kept God in the center of our relationship...we kept on keepin on! i don't think about everyday anymore. yay! so yeah put your hope in the gospel. i really admire your strength in talking about you struggles.

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  7. it's hard not to look back and feel the sting of it. when we went through that, the HER tried everything to get my husband back even faked pregnancy. BLEH! a year later he saw her and all her family at the hospital and he came right home and told me it hurt, but it didn't get in the way of our progress. we kept God in the center of our relationship...we kept on keepin on! i don't think about everyday anymore. yay! so yeah put your hope in the gospel. i really admire your strength in talking about you struggles.

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  8. it's hard not to look back and feel the sting of it. when we went through that, the HER tried everything to get my husband back even faked pregnancy. BLEH! a year later he saw her and all her family at the hospital and he came right home and told me it hurt, but it didn't get in the way of our progress. we kept God in the center of our relationship...we kept on keepin on! i don't think about everyday anymore. yay! so yeah put your hope in the gospel. i really admire your strength in talking about you struggles.

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  9. wow! sometimes honesty sucks and hurts..but thank god for the truth! stay strong!

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  10. I know the sting of which you write. And, right now, I stopped & prayed & even felt again that ache/panic/sick with you. I used to think of that "sting" as a scar...rigid & raised up...it hurt when it got knocked. But time brings healing & that scar a reminder...to keep you on your guard, to not fall into complacency.

    Blessings on the nato family...and continued healing that only HE can bring!

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  11. Thanks for the example that you guys are. I can't comprehend the sting, but I do know the comfort of the Lord and I pray He keeps you all close and comfy during the bumps and stings....and that He continues to grow and stretch this beautiful lil family you have.

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  12. i'm sure that was hard, but thanks for sharing. i needed to hear nato's words tonight. "put your hope in the gospel."

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  13. Your post came at just the right time. I needed to be reminded of God's Truth ....our hope can only come in the Gospel of Jesus. Thank you for your transparency, Jami.

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  14. This post made me cry... Praying for you guys, for strength and grace and love. Thanks for sharing and holding up the gospel for all of us to see and grow and believe that it, and only it, is enough.

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  15. I admire you and nato. Thank you for being so real. You are in my prayers.

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  16. praying for y'all as you continue to heal and grow! so proud of you! god is good.

    Xo

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  17. is it weird that i feel like i love you and want to hug you? probably cause my best friend is going through something similar and i just don't know how to help.

    thank you for this. God is doing a mighty work in you and in other people for your boldness in professing Him.

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  18. What a lovely husband you have--to remind you that your hope is in the Gospel! All the peace you need is in that.

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  19. i cannot comprehend the sting of your hurt, but i thank you for your honesty and transparency. Your "realness" is truly awesome. PTL for hope in the gospel.

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  20. I was recently talking to a good friend who said she just didn't think she had it in her to fall into a specific sin. It made want to cry and slap her in the face, both at once.

    We need the gospel because we are broken, helpless, and sin prone people. There's nothing "good" in us to make immune to any kind of sin - "big" or "little."

    I love how you and Nato share that with us. We are all so close to falling into all kinds of sin, but the freedom, joy and hope in the gospel is that it changes everything.

    Thanks for sharing. You clearly got me all excited here. I love it.

    ps - I especially enjoyed the reference to the curling iron on the forehead sting. Totally did that to myself as a tween and had to wear an ice pack to Pizza Hut with my friends. All for the sake of the puffy bangs.

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  21. you are so strong and soooooo wise and (one more) so right....putting your faith in Him really is the only way to keep moving forward. it's how i keep putting one foot in front of the other every stinking day and your testament just strengthens my desire to do that. thank you for sharing your heart so clearly.
    xoxo

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  22. *Insert throwing up sound here*

    I just really hope the pain continues to subside with time. For you and for me.

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  23. It was through this post:
    http://www.passionpursenality.com/2011/03/storytakin-risk-here.html (a brief summary of how an affair affected our marriage)
    that a friend of mine directed me to your blog. It's crazy to me the common things we have experienced...Adultery, My baby born the same week your latest was, and SERIOUSLY, just yesterday, at DQ while on a date with my husband, "she" came in. We just calmly left the building. I have been dreading the day for over two years. It's a FLOOD of emotion. Thank you for sharing. It's comforting to know of others' experiences.
    www.passionpursenality.com

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  24. You are doing so well Jamie. Though I don't know you personally..I feel like I do from here. Proud of you and your faithfulness in Jesus. You and your husband are rockstars for sticking it out. I know the pain, too and God is the only one who can heal. Love your writings!

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  25. I know that sting. Im grateful for your honesty. And Im praying for you!
    Satan knows you're down right now(exhaustion,new baby,etc...) and he's trying to shake you up. Stand firm on your Solid Rock(Christ) girl. He's right there for you!
    xo

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  26. everytime i read one of these posts my heart goes out to you. love is a choice and i can see that you make that choice everyday with the help of the Lord. i hope it only gets easier and i am so glad that you can so fiercely still love your man. God is good!

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  27. I am praying for you Jami! Your marriage is such an example of the healing power of Christ and has been such an encouragement to me. Days like these remind that it can't work because you are determined to make it work, it can only work because of the healing power of the Gospel just like Nato said. Thank you for YOUR transparency. You are a strong woman.

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  28. Thank you for sharing what the gospel looks like lived out in all of its messiness. God is our hope. Thanks for the reminder.

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  29. jami,
    i know how hard this must have been. thank you so much for sharing it. you are always an inspiration. thank you, thank you. praying for you & yours.

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  30. Thank you for the honesty. I am so thankful for it. I am praying for you both. (not in the normal Christian way we say "hey ill pray for you" and then not doing it way. i AM praying for you. ;) I so appreciate being able to use your stories as a way to keep communication open with MY husband and trying to really pay attention and not be off my guard in our own relationship. Thanks Jami. <3

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  31. I am not sure why I have tears in my eyes as i write this. I think it is you sharing your vulnerability. That's been a theme running through my days these past two years. I honor Nato's decision to tell you he saw her. i think that's a huge statement of trust. He trusted that you could get through this news because you were walking through this journey TOGETHER. "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing,and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow." -melody beattie
    You have weathered this storm together. Your relationship is your sheltering tree and under it you will grow trust and hope for the future. Believe in eachother and in the two of you. I do.

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  32. I contribute your blog success to 1. your adorable babies 2. your fabulous sense of humor and 3. your completely transparent about life.

    You are real Jami and I love you for that. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us readers!

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  33. You're such an encouragement and I admire how you have handled everything in this situation. I'm so sorry that y'all have gone through this but your outlook on how it has brought you two closer together and to the Lord is something I admire.

    When you wrote: "i felt like God was saying, i'm all you need. thinking otherwise will hurt you."...that cut me deep. My hubs and I have been trying to have a kid for a while and that seems to be the running theme God likes throwing at me when I start the incessant worrying. He keeps reminding me that he is all I need...all the strength, love, hope - everything...thats I need. Thanks for writing that.

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  34. Jami Nato.....I don't know you but I do know that you are an amazing woman. Thank you for your brutal honesty with a twist of funny.

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  35. Oh my sweet friend, I can't even imagine how difficult that would be. I love you so much and am so grateful for the woman that you are and the man that Nato is.

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  36. aw Jami,
    i am touched and encouraged by your clear view of yourself and your circumstances. I know that clarity don't just happen and isn't constant, but when you have it you have it....and you have it.
    thank you for sharing it.
    you are a breath of fresh clear air to me today.
    and so is nato.
    "baby, put your trust in the gospel"
    love it.
    not "in me"
    "in the gospel"
    thank God for that gospel.

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  37. ohhhh deep breath, God is good and protecting you. I know when I see "HIM" and have to go to my husband the shame is overwhelming. We see "HIM" often because we attend the same church. It is incredibly hard to face that sin constantly, but He has forgiven me. We all have choices to make daily. Praise God that Nato is no longer living in that sin. I think it is so sweet that you see the pain in it for him as you are feeling all the pain you do. What a sweet wife to acknowledge his struggle amidst yours.

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  38. I've prayed for you & your man for awhile, and my prayer for you & Nato today is Phil. 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
    Thanks for sharing. I really needed to hear "i'm all you need. thinking otherwise will hurt you." So, thank you.

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  39. you are showing much strength and faith, and i love your blog. that is why i have awarded you a blog award on my page... http://wackylittlehouse.blogspot.com

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  40. jami, thanks for being real and sharing your heart, i am a new follower to your blog, and wanted to say hi :) i also live in KC (mission, to be exact) your faith is inspiring, your family is adorable, and your heart is beautiful :)

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  41. I'm so proud of you guys.
    we love you, and we will continue to be there to champion on your journey of placing your hope in Jesus.

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  42. THX for sharing

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  43. wow. I know how painful that must have been. Sometimes I am not grateful for the stings in my life when the initial sting happens, but then God always brings me around to Romans 5:3. Love you even though I've never met you! thanks for being such a picture of humility.

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  44. I think you're absolutely right to keep it honest. The other week our pastor was speaking on honesty and he said honesty + crisis = intimacy. You and Nato will be stronger and closer through all of this. Under the umbrella of God's love.

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  45. I don't know you, (well, I feel like I do because of your blog); but I am certain that you don't know me. BUT, I am so thankful for the honesty you share. Your story has given me hope in some of our rough times. Thank you for showing how powerful Christ is. We all need a little reminder sometimes, and you have been mine.

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  46. thank you for your honesty and transparency. your faith is so inspiring and reassuring that God is good. love u guys!

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  47. Preach it sister. I am so thankful for you and this blog! You show over and over that God is faithful to you and Nato and that you both are continuously growing closer to HIM, and to each other. The transparency you two show is honest and has "We serve a faithful God" written all over it. Thank you.

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  48. God Bless you guys, your strength and your courage! Kuddos to Nato for being honest and kuddos to you knowing that this will make your family stronger!!

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  49. As I have said before {I know, can't help it} I ADMIRE YOU! and thank you for being honest and real. As much as we all wish for picture perfect 'all I've ever dreamed of' type marriage, we all know that it can be hard at times.
    I thank you for being honest, thank Nato for showing that he loves his WIFE and family more than anything else. and I Thank GOD for showing us that LOVE always wins.

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  50. i love you, friend. thank you, once again, for sharing your heart and showing Christ's love. praying for you today.

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