Monday, March 7, 2011

ice cream, hormones, and guilt. in no particular order.

man, real life has just been happening these past couple months. i have crafts i want to share and some recipes too. maybe if i blogged more than once a week, that would help. hmm, what a concept.

so i have a confession to make. no it's not that one time at the chiropractor's office, when i was taking my shirt off for the x-ray, i noticed that i had super disgusting B to the O. so i was like, OMG, i can't let them come near me, they'll think i don't shower...every other day. so in a frantic, super quick moment, i saw some hand sanitizer and slathered it under my arms. just in time. and boy did that take care of any bacteria under my armpits. although, i could hardly hear what the chiropractor was saying to me because my underarms were burning like the fiery bowels of hell. but whatever, problem solved.

no, that's not what i want to confess. i want to confess that i hate it when moms say they feel guilty about stuff. i've always been super grace based in my approach to parenting...we all mess up and there's no need beating ourselves up for it. right? well, this week, i felt guilty (i enjoy eating my words, really, i do). the guiltiest i've ever felt as a parent. this was not the i-yelled-at-you-too-harshly-and-now-i-need-to-apologize-to-my-4-year-old kind of guilt. way worse.

you guys know lila, my 2 year old, doesn't talk really. she says like 4 words. really. so i've always thought something was up with her. everytime i take her to the pediatrician(which is not often), i ask them to especially look in her ears. she doesn't talk. she walked really late. she has lots of drainage in there.
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(lila's favorite pastime: feeding her bestie...huxley)

but everyone says she's normal. that her older brother talks for her. that we baby her. these things are definately true. she did some speech therapy and really responded to it even! but at 2 and 1/2, i decided enough was enough. i found an ENT and took my sweet platypus in to have her hearing checked.

and guess what? lila can't hear. not like she's deaf, but apparently, she hears like you're talking to her under water(if that). when they looked in her ears, the ENT called her ear drums impressive. in a bad way. she said any doctor should have seen her abnormal eardrums at 6 months even. so i'm hearing all this in the appointment and i'm doing my best not to cry. but c'mon, i'm pregnant. this "holding back" can only last 1.3 seconds. i said, she follows instructions and she says some words when i ask her to...
the doctor said, deaf kids follow instructions too...
and that's when this mama felt all kinds of GUILT and lost it. tears were a'flowing.
she has a surgery scheduled for thursday...it's an easy fix. a 5 minute surgery and they said she'll be talking up a storm soon.

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(the dog follows her everywhere. the have their own language the speak to one-another)

the rest of that day, it was all i could think about. why didn't i take her in sooner? she's going to be delayed now...what mother lets it go this long? ugg, i could just cry writing that. hormone alert.

later that day, it was just nato and me driving home. the kids were at the grandaparents(date night!). here is the conversation that may or may not have happened(it did, ok? but it's embarrassing).
me: i need some ice cream after all of that.
husband: you don't want to wait until tonight since we're going out?
me: babe, if i ask for ice cream, just get me ice cream. i mean, geez.
husband: ohhhhhhkaaaaaayyyy. 
me: if you're going to eat some, get the large one, if you're not, get the smaller one. (in "smaller one" i'm referencing the regular size that we normally get that is still abnormally large).
nato comes back with a mini-concrete. something you would give a child...not a prego lady, mkay?
me:  oh.oh. ohkay, ya, so i'm fat? way to let me know...that was subtle nato. (i'm totally serious when i'm saying this).
husband: babe, you said you wanted a small! (he's looking at me like i'm crazy and is about to laugh)
me: i didn't know they even made a small...i thought you would get me the normal one.
husband: well honey, i'm sorry, i really thought you said small. i don't think you're fat...
now i'm crying. kind of snorting, crying. because that's what happens when you're eating ice cream and crying at the same time.
we fight about the size of icecream for about 5 more minutes. how he probably got ripped off, even.
and then i say,
it's not even about ice cream...i'm so upset about lila...blaaaa....more crying....in between bites. somehow the butterfinger in the ice cream was making life feel not so bad.
enter left, sweet consoling husband telling me it's not my fault...

so ya, whew! is everyone sick of the roller coaster known as jami nato pregnant? i sure am.
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(dogs can eat peanuts right? our dog also eats chocolate and raisins...i've heard both could kill her?)

anyway, this week, after working through my guilt and bringing it to the Lord. i'm going to take my mother's advice. all you can do is move forward. there is nothing you can do about the past. she will be great...she's a smart chicken. (this is a text, btDubs...we are a modern mother/daughter)
my sis said the same thing. my husband did too(like a million times). when everyone tells you the same thing, you should listen.
God is bigger than her hearing issues.
God is bigger than my guilt.
and He is definitely bigger than my hormones.

PTLOH(try and figure it out).

...happier posts to come soon! hang in there with me...

87 comments:

  1. ok, first, Note to self: Do not drink coffee while reading Nato's blog. She will say something funny and cause you to spray it everywhere.
    Second, I am so sorry to hear about Lila but so glad that it's an easy fix.
    From an outsider's perspective, please don't beat yourself up over this. You DID do your job as a mother-- you're the one who brought her to the ENT despite what your pediatrician told you, remember?
    Here's hoping your week is superb despite the setbacks.

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  2. Oh dear. Poor little girl! I can't even imagine what is going to happen when she can hear well!

    And the ice cream conversation... we've had that a dozen times. He always gets the small and tries to eat half even though I TOLD HIM TO GET A LARGE.

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  3. i know the feelings you are talking about all too well. and ptloh to moving forward. lila will a chatterbox in no time at all and then you will be thinking what the what!? i wanna eat ice cream with you. now. sometimes we all need a good cry. love ya, friend.

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  4. Good wishes will be sent your way for the surgery on Thursday....

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  5. I'm just impressed w/ you for taking care of 2 babies with another on the way... I feel so crazy with pregnancy hormones some days I can't even take care of myself :) She'll be great! PTLOH that it was such an easy fix! I spent a summer w/ Audrey so I'll let someone else guess the meaning :)

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  6. Nato - Lila is going to be a rock star. No doubts. My bestie in Chicago is a speech language whiz with little kids (like Lila's age) and I'm amazed at her stories of kids and communication all the time. Kids are so resilient!

    AND...ice cream size labeling is never clear. EVER.

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  7. Yay you for saying ~ forget you dr. and taking things into your own hands!!!! You should feel no guilt!!
    I totally know what you mean though ~ like when I took my daughter to the eye doctor (even though her pediatrician thought there wasn't really any concern and referred us upon my insistence) and I found out she couldn't see out of one of her eyes ~ her vision was 20/1000!!!! I was shocked, and so mad at myself for not knowing and helping her sooner!
    want more of the story? http://ordinarymiraclesoflife.blogspot.com/2010/10/story-of-girl-and-her-glasses.html

    Don't feel guilty ~ and enjoy that ice cream!!!!!!! :)

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  8. awww...big hugs!! She is going to be great!

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  9. Jami, I do not have kids, and have never been pregnant, but I do know my way around an emotional trainwreck. God is also the Lord of your emotions, and I know you know that He can use them tremendously (even the negative ones) to reveal Himself to you in closer and deeper ways. I'm encouraged by your sharing of true, embarrassing stories, which make me feel normal. I'll be thinking of you and Lila on Thurs. Praise the Lord of Heaven! :)

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  10. don't you feel relieved though? i mean, i know how you feel. gosh, i had a HUGE meltdown the other day on my way to work (we were late and I needed to pump and eat and my hair thing was brown and my dress was black) and i was hyperventilating and hitting the dashboard and my children were a witness. life happens. you're human. and this isn't a comment telling you to get over it or anything. but i am so happy that there is a solution. and pregnancy hormones suck. how is that for some empathy? ;)

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  11. She is going to do great!!! My nephew didn't talk until he was over 2 and had speech therapy and now we can't get the kid to be quiet! You are not a bad mom and don't let anyone tell you differently!

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  12. mamma nato, keep bloggin'.
    i love your writings/ramblings. it's genuinely refreshing, honest.
    honest, i say, honest.
    your blog is a helpful reminder that people are normal.

    btdubs. (this is me not lurking, but you knew that.)
    mystery acronym: praise the lord on hormones?

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  13. praying that all goes well for you and your little one. i cannot imagine going through something like that while being preggers. gosh, hang in there.

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  14. glad you got to the bottom of it, even if it wasn't as soon as you had hoped. she's going to talk your ear off.

    and for the record, YOU'RE NOT FAT. you look fantastic! : )

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  15. "Praise the Lord, Oh hormones" lol, that was the best I could come up with. So grateful it is an easy fix. She is adorable! Hang in there!

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  16. Jami Nato. You cannot just email me and feel bad for my boyfriend breaking up with me and then drop this ball. It makes me feel GUILTY. I am never complaining to you ever again. (dont hold me to that). I'll keep Lila in my thoughts! And I'll eat extra ice cream just for you!

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  17. I like your mom's advice. I'm going to print it out and stick it on my fridge!

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  18. Oh how I feel your guilt! We went through a similar thing with Isaiah before he got diagnosed. The ped and our parents as teacher lady just kept telling us he was fine. Well we all know he wasn't. God is so capable of healing and taking the guilt from us. We will keep you guys in our prayers, and please let me know if you need anything!

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  19. Praise the Lord on high....love your blog and honesty. As mommies, guilt is something that comes with the territory! Praying for Lila's surgery.

    Hang in there and keep the blogs coming - hormones or not - you have a way with words that makes us all feel better! :)

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  20. I am laughing. A..Because I know what you are feeling and B...The whole icecream debacle (sp?) sounds like something I would do. Problem with kids is at that age you can't possibly know when something like that is wrong. They dont know anything is not normal nor can they communicate it. Oh and the top 3 deadliest things for a dog to eat are grapes (raisins), chocolate, and lily's...yes flowers!

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  21. Definitely praying for little angel bucket! AND YOU! I know you're beating yourself up. I did the same when I found out Easton had to have a helmet to fix his noggin...but it's life. Things happen. And momma's right...MOVE FORWARD. You're fixing it NOW and that's all that matters. Easton couldn't care less about that helmet and Lila will be the same. She'll never know she couldn't hear and she'll be talking in no time! Praise GOD for the ENT!

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  22. From a very good Veggietale song.. God is bigger than the boogey man! Our God is greater than this situation!

    You are a wonderful momma and this little on inside of you will testify to that, too!

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  23. Oh jami I'm so glad you posted this. Noah is two and a half and he doesn't talk very much either. Ive been so concerned about it but everyone keeps telling me every child is different and he can hear when we talk to him. We have deaf in our family so ive always had that in the back of my head-- what if?? He is kind of starting to copy us more and try to speak, but I still wonder. It's not a very clear speech.. Anyway.. This makes me think maybe we should take Noah in to get things checked out. (even though I know he is gonna fight it like nothing else!)

    Don't be hard on yourself. You're an awesome momma! And you and natos conversation about the ice cream cracked me up! Haha that is totally what I would have said to Josh.

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  24. Jami - Justin had the exact same thing as a baby. His mom knew he was very smart and nothing was wrong with him but he wasn't speaking and then he did it was mumbled. He had two sets of ear tubes and everything cleared up. We are actually going to take Caleb in bc he has fluid in his ears too. Know that this is very common and so easy to miss. You're a great mom, and Lila will be just fine! love to you sista!

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  25. Jami, let me just first say you are such an amazing writer and I LOVE how open and honest you are with your life. Such a gift to others. As far as Lila, I am so sorry to hear about her hearing. BUT, praise God it is easily fixable and that you found out now and not later. I am so excited for the day that her hearing will be restored and she gets to experience beautiful sounds in a way she never has before. And please...DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. How could you have possibly known? You are a wonderful mother, and best of all you have a heart for Jesus. I am looking forward to seeing you and your family tonight.

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  26. Praying for your little girl! Gosh, I've gone down the guilt road so often myself and the Lord always reminds me, "I care for your daughter more than you do and I can fix it all" Its a hard one to chew but He ALWAYS delivers!
    You're an incredible momma!

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  27. Another commenter said it, but like you mentioned... you have to listen when EVERYONE says it ;). So from a complete stranger: You DID your job. I am SURE you took her to MULTIPLE doctor's appointments and had them look in her ears... and it was the DOCTOR who should have CONFIRMED something was up. You worried, you asked, and you brought her to the ENT when you got fed-up with the "she's normal"-ness. As a child who "was normal" but _not_... it works itself out, and she'll be all the stronger for it in the end :). All things happen for a reason (and who remembers their life before 3 anyway?!?) Good job mom.

    OH, and I would have made him go back in for a second "small"... for me. :-P

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  28. I think you are the superhero in this story, because despite the pediatrician saying everything was fine, you stuck with your mommy intuition, and thank God, because now your little girl will be able to hear properly! Good job, mama!

    Praying the surgery goes well.

    Also, totally get the ice cream thing. When I was pregnant, my husband used cover all his bases by bringing me food from a few different take out places and then hiding while i ate what I wanted and then he would eat whatever i left behind. If he touched my ice cream, i would have jabbed him with a fork ;)

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  29. I had the same issue when I was a little girl. After several Dr's appointments, they realized I had fluid galore in my poor little ears. A quick little surgery to insert tubes in my ears and voila, everything was fine. Don't beat yourself up. If anyone should feel bad, it should be your doctor!! You did nothing wrong.

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  30. Oh wow sweet one. You are so precious and you did nothing wrong. Praise God she is going to be ok and it can be fixed. And I have learned a lot this year from my 24 year old cousin's car wreck that has left her paralyzed from the neck down until God started working. She, a few weeks later is now moving her arms, scratching her nose. THAT IS HUGE! The injury she had, there is no way but GOD that this could happen. GOD IS BIGGER! Hang in there!
    Heather

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  31. Lila's going to be talking up a storm soon just like the doctor said. I've seen it in more than one kiddo I know. And what a happy girl who you'd never know wasn't hearing quite right. God has blessed her with such a sweet, compassionate disposition. We love playin with her in the red room. Can't wait to see her blossom into a chatterbox in no time. And Jami, I know all about those hormones right now. I'm a mess. When are these baby girls going to stop messing with our emotions and come into the world?!! Oh, not for several weeks. :( Let's eat ice cream together sometime!

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  32. first of all i just need to say, i absolutely love reading your blog! you make me laugh so hard. i love how your write. ok. that said, i'm so sorry to hear about lila's hearing. i'm so glad, though, that it'll be a quick fix. i've felt the same way lately with my sons ear infections. i had NO idea that he even had one and it ended up being double ear infection. he gave me NO signs of feeling sick, no fever, nothing. i felt so guilty. the dr. probably thought i was crazy to not see anything. but you're right, we just need to move on. God is bigger. thanks for this post.

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  33. Girl I understand the guilt stuff for sure. BUT what amazing advice from yo mama! Thanks for being real & telling the truth. We need to hear it!

    Seriously...hand sanitizer? Bahaha!

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  34. I am the queen of motherly guilt! Don't you even worry about little Lila. She's going to be great, and it'll make for great material in her tell-all book when she's a SUPERSTAR! (cue jazz hands)

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  35. jami, i'm praying you don't feel any more guilt. you didn't do anything wrong and i'll be anxiously awaiting to watch lila thrive. God is in control. and just because i love figuring out codes, is it: praise the Lord on high? :)

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  36. yes! praise the Lord on HIGH! but i love that everyone inserted "hormones" in their guesses. this made me laugh and is so true.

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  37. SO sorry for all that, Jami... a girl friend of mine went through that with her daughter, too, and she was talking like crazy the same day as her surgery. she'll be caught up in no time! and if it makes you feel any better my kid walked around for 3 days with hand, foot and mouth (thank you, church nursery) while teething 4 molars at the same time and i had no clue. we all do it in one way or another and we're learning every time. you're a good mama.

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  38. Praise God that there is an easy fix to Lila's impressive ear drums! You're a great mother - you took her to the ENT even after being told she is fine more than once.

    Tell Mr. Nato that from now on only a LARGE will do! :)

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  39. Hand sanitizer, really??? What a good idea! I've never been pregnant, so I dont know about pregnancy hormones, but I do have a period every month & that gives me some crazy up & down emotions! I'd say you're pretty super mom-ish for raising 2 little ones and carrying a 3rd! Love your blog!!!

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  40. So glad that you listened to your motherly instincts and had her checked! Praying for your fam this week :)

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  41. Jami you truly make me laugh. I wish you blogged more than once a week too because I get excited about your post. but it is prob good you don't or I would never get anything done at home
    My hubby messes up sizes and flavors all the time. I cry too and I am NOT pregnant!
    glad your little girl will hear your sweet voice soon!

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  42. Jami, the same thing happened with our doctor...the peds never detected it, and finally sent us to an ENT where they discovered she had fluid built up behind both eardrums and was unable to hear.

    They inserted tubes, and it made all the difference in the world. She's starting to talk now (a bit behind but catching up!) All this to say, I totally understand the guilt, but know you're an awesome mom, and Lila will totally bounce back quicker than you'll believe!

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  43. praise the lord oh hellions.

    and can i just say, oh how i wish you were my mom. i mean, we wouldn't have been best friends like we are now, but you are a damn good mom. your kids are lucky to have you.

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  44. know your feelings EXACTLY. like EXACTLY. like I'm crying as i read EXACTLY. Our youngest was diagnosed with a severe hearing loss at 2.5, too. Passed newborn screening, responded to sounds, etc. but said only a handful of words. Her diagnosis is not correctable with surgery. But she wears cute little pink hearing aids. The guilt still creeps in occasionally but was overwhelming at first. Praying for you, girl. She's going to be just fine.

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  45. i'm a fan of being a girl. it's fun to cry for no apparent reason (no it's not). and i'm sorry about your daughter. that would be sad to hear. but i'm sure the surgery will go great and she'll be a little two year old chatter box lickety split.

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  46. This happened to our cousin's little one and now she tells amazingly long, detailed stories.:)

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  47. I love pregnant, hormonal jami and all the fun stories that come with it!! :)

    So glad you finally have answers regarding Lila. Love that sweet little thing and can't wait to hear her sweet little voice.

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  48. I so love your honesty and your heart. I will be praying for your little family as Lila has her surgery on Thursday.

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  49. If you didn't know, doctors are not my favorite. In my situations I've either known way more about whatever is going on than they do or they ar a specialist (who sometimes knows a little something.) you're an awesome mommy who has done an awesome job raising to little phillipino munchkins... Guilt be gone.
    Your family has given you the best advice... And Nato deserves a reward for putting up with prego Jami, or maybe that's just part of the consequences for not actually have to carry a baby around in your belly and having the life sucked out of you for 9 months. You can't have your cake and eat it too Nato
    Love you,
    Jenn

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  50. First of all, the hand sanitizer story made me spit out my enchilada from laughing so hard. Hilarious!

    Totally weird that you just posted this. Or I guess that I just read it. I'm literally having a converstaion (via texting of course) right this second with my husband about mama guilt. I haven't been a nice mommy today. :(

    I'll be praying for your sweet little girl on Thursday. It's so not your fault. I would've been super mad at the pediatrician if I were you!

    I'm guessing PTLOH means Praise the Lord on high but I think I like on hormones too. :)

    And I need to email you back. Which I will go do now.

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  51. Yes, I used my coupons! Glad I ran into you there, probably saved an extra $3. Think of me whenever there is a good deal there! Poor Lila, we will be praying for it to be quick and easy, can't wait to hear what kind of a difference it makes for her!

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  52. I'm an "old" mama now...with 3 teenagers...how in the world did that happen??? So, I'll impart some of my sage wisdom. 1.) Mamas ALWAYS know. You knew...you did...don't beat yourself up! 2.) Kids are resilient. Chin up, Jami! My youngest, Ry, has dyslexia with some ADD thrown in. Took me a looooong time to get the "experts" to listen to me. I thought he would NEVER read...thought school would always be a struggle. And, guesss what??? The kids gets straight As and recently decided to take himself off his ADD meds...and he is doing AWESOME! PTLITS! (praise the Lord in the storm)

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  53. oh girly~ i swear docs are lamo most of the time! lila is going to do amazing! and i know i have had these same feelings as a mama! but you have to give yourself some credit for being the one to actually figure out the prob! you are a rockstar mom--and your kiddos are lucky to have you~ now
    enjoy that ice cream! and-butterfinger is my fav--it's diggity!

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  54. My friend just went through the same thing, but her son was 3. And now he can hear and talk and all is great. But I totally understand, this is rough news for a mama, especially a pregnant one!

    I will say a prayer for her surgery and your sanity! :)

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  55. I just recently found your blog and I just love it! And I'm not pregnant right now, but I still tear up reading your words!

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  56. Jami! I teach Lila's exact age group at preschool. This happens to so many kids this age! Just this year I have 2 in my class with the exact same predicament and just had surgery at 21/2-3 years. It's just the age when you really start to figure things out about your kid. So really don't feel bad!!!! It's not your fault the dr didn't catch it and you were totally on top of it! Some moms don't find out until kindergarten and then they have sooo much catching up to do. Lila is so young it won't even faze her!!!! You are a good mommy! Seriously though...2 kids in my class. JUST THIS YEAR. And in an affluent area where people have gads of money to get their kids checked out. HOpe this helps relieve the guilt!!!

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  57. I almost started crying. I thought you were going to say she was deaf forever. Poor sweet girl. So glad it can be fixed. Yes, she will be fine! She's a girl. Girls love to talk. She'll catch up super fast!

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  58. i think you're awesome. thanks for sharing your story. ;)

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  59. You're a fantastic Mother- this post made my heart break! Look at all you've taught to those of us reading!

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  60. I know how you feel. When my son was finally diagnosed with high functioning autism and bipolar disorder at five, I felt like a terrible parent for all the harsh disciplining and lack of proper medication he had endured. But mostly, I was relieved that we finally had an answer and help was on the way.
    Thank the Lord, he nudged your heart to take your daughter to the specialist. And thank goodness you WERE OBEDIANT!
    My mom went through the same guilt. When I was seven, they found out I was profoundly deaf in my left ear with 5% hearing loss in my right. I had gone to a private school that believed in corporal punishment and my kindergarten teacher had paddled me several times for "not listening".
    But, it wasn't my mom's fault. When my school hearing test came back low, they took me into the ENT immediately. I pray that you know it's not your fault either. And hey, you didn't let her go till she was seven! ;)

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  61. Conductive hearing losses are so easy to fix. She'll be fine- no worries on your part.

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  62. aww the poor thing! I'm glad you were proactive and made sure to have her diagnosed asap. That will definitely help her in the long run!

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  63. Praise the Lord on High?! Oh, friend. I am laughing and crying with you. So glad you found out what the issue is and it is an easy fix! Love you. Call me. Move to Nashville.

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  64. We just went through the same deal with Everett. He followed instructions, responded to his name, smart as can be but couldn't hear for beans. Surgery was quick and easy and his vocabulary has been growing ever since. His favorite words are, "taco," and, "goggles."

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  65. she is terrific, you are terrific, icecream is terrific, the Lord is terrific and your initial not confession made me laugh till i cried.

    but really. good mothers love their chilluns and love their Saviour, just like you do. God knew about her lil eardrums the whole time. He's got you and her! Praise the Lord On High! or Of Heaven? either way, praise Him!

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  66. Jami
    I am a special education teacher and I have learned that when one of my students lacks in a certain area (physical, hearing, sight, etc) they overcompensate in another area and they fine tune what they do have. SO you actually did her a favor because once her hearing is fixed-she will kick butt in all areas!! You are a great mama and God sees you and is smiling.

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  67. My youngest one is 2 1/2 and she says like 4 words as well.

    I have wondered many times if she has a hearing issue as well but there are many signs that tell me she hears just fine.

    If she's in her room and Im in the kitchen, I call out her name in normal conversation tone, and she responds by running out of the room and straight to me.

    And then of course the music. She really loves music and she's very specific about what kind. We always have the ipod on in the car and when her least favorite song is playing, she says no and shakes her head and then starts crying if I keep playing it.

    Since she cant tell me what her favorite songs are, I've figured it out by the smile of approval and the dance moves that follow when its one she seriously loves.

    Aside from that, we cant afford speech therapy, especially the evaluation which is like almost $200. I tried getting her government funded speech therapy but she didn't qualify because she scored really high in all areas at her evaluation.

    We are just praying for God to provide because I know she would really benefit from the therapy. She tries to say words but is having a hard time with it and I really want to find out why.

    And dont beat yourself up about this. Your little girl will be talking up a storm in no time :)

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  68. james - you. are. an amazing. mom. lila will be just fine. she is smart and funny and beautiful. she'll be talking your ear off soon enough and layne (like leigh anne did when lara finally started talking) will be begging you to make her stop talking!

    there are too many comments here for you to read, i'm betting so...
    resurrectingthedream.blogspot.com. we'll see how that works out. love you, n

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  69. The chiro story had me laughing so hard I woke Jason up ... reminded me of really dumb funny stunts we used to pull. Looking back they were probably only funny to us. (except for the beanie babies for sale sign in an unnamed someone's front yard - that was a good one)

    You are an amazing mom ... being full of grace is so much better than being perfect. I think you taught me that. Lola is thriving with you as her mommy! Watch out world once she can hear better ... maybe you'll understand her and huxley's language.

    Thinking of you five on Thursday.

    Xoxoxoxo

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  70. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, sucks more than mommy guilt. Just so you know, my daughter was blind for almost the first year of her life before we caught it...and I too, cried abnormally in the doctor's office when I found out. And I'm sure I ate lots and lots of ice cream after as well.

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  71. Aww girlie. Can I be the first person from this perspective to politely ask you to not beat yourself up?

    Cuz I'm a firm believer that some things are just beyond our control as parents. And there's such a thing as God's perfect timing.

    Because I'm deaf.

    And for now, this is what God has for me. I could only imagine the loads of guilt my mother heaped on herself - until I had my own child.

    And suddenly, every diagnosis was my fault for some minuscule reason. And sometimes... it just... isn't.

    I'm with ya - it's scary thinking about those medical procedures - and I'm praying a super quick and amazing recovery - for God's healing in her little ears!

    Praying for peace for your heart, for wisdom for your decisions, for health for your family, and for your faith to grow in sucky situations like this.

    (And I'm doing a whole lot of self-flogging lately - my 4-year old just got coke bottle glasses today... I had NO IDEA his vision was that bad for four stinking years).

    Sorry for hijacking your comment section... praying for you!

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  72. Okay I have to ask, by the time we get to comment 72 do you even read it? Wow, lots of encouragement (i hope, i didn't read all 71 comments before mine.)

    Well, whether you read it or not I have to tell you at 4:58 a.m. when I was reading this (my baby did not want to sleep last night and i finially gave in and got up) I was holding back the laughter. I swear my hubby and I have had the same conversation. I eat ice cream by the gallon! and he may or may not have had to go get me some at 1 in the morning when I was preggo.

    anyways...you're right. don't let your self feel guilty. i do way too much and my mother in law always tells me to stop and that us mothers need to start encouraging one another more! You serve an awesome God. let him carry this burden for you!

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  73. I'm sure everyone is telling you this but, she will be a babbling brook in no time. My son had his ears drained and tubes put in at 23 months. The week following his surgery he came to life... TALKING non-stop and he hasn't stopped since. He's 10 now. hee-hee.
    God is good.

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  74. similar thing when I woke up one morning with my 5 month old baby boy and realized his head was perfectly flat in the back. He couldn't rotate his neck and we and the pediatrician never noticed for 5 months! Thanks "professionals"! So my little love endured tons of PT and ended up in a helmet. Super guilty, and a little hate for the pediatrician who should have been checking his rotation from the day he was born!

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  75. I totally get it. I woke up one morning with my 5 month old baby boy and saw that his head was perfectly flat in the back. He couldn't rotate his neck and we and the pediatrician hadn't noticed it for 5 months! Thanks "professionals"!! The poor little guy endured tons of PT and ended up in a helmet. Totally guilty and a little hate for the pediatrician who should have been checking his rotation since he was born!

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  76. Sending you a HUGE cyber hug--I was hard on T and said awful things, then we discovered he was dyslexic and couldn't HELP it. You did your best and now that you know? You'll do even better. There's a bunch of ways to help Lila, I know you'll find them and pick the best. Seriously, be gentle on yourself. Now you have to marvel at how well she's coped all this time! What a gifted, beautiful girl!

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  77. i have almost never felt as guilty as I did for threatening to put shelby in time out the next time she crossed her eyes b/c i thought she was doing it on purpose...she has had surgery twice now and still crosses without glasses. good thing she is super cute with glasses!

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  78. You have to STOP making me sad, anxious, and laugh out loud happy all in one post.. you make ME go through a roller coaster. :) I had super Mom guilt this week too, HATE THAT.

    Oh, and one time while Jared was getting a little feelskies goin on, he said, wow your boobs are getting BIG.. I said.. Jare, that's my stomach.

    Awesome.

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  79. can't wait to hear what she has to say...let the chatter begin!!

    now look in the mirror and repeat after me, "I am a fabulous momma and dogg-on-it people LIKE me!!"

    ;)

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  80. Jami, A few months back our family went through something very similar to what you're going through with Lila. We found out our little girl (at age 3.5+) had some serious speech and language delays. I too went through the mama guilt, mostly for not listening to my instinct much sooner, but also because we as mothers don't want ANY thing bad to happen to our kids (period). When they do, it makes our heart ache. It's okay. That's our job to have our children be our hearts. It's okay to feel sad, and hormonal, and everything else in between, but don't beat yourself up. Just love Lila, go forward from here. Use what's you've learned and love her through all of it! I will be praying for you, your sweet little girl, and your family. God will get you all through this with grace and love!

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  81. You are a mom. Not a doctor. Or a nurse. You listened to your gut; they didn't. And you kept bringing it up and pursuing. Is it just me, or do we let ourselves feel intimidated and stupid in the face of medical personnel? I'm always worried they'll think I'm the crazy mom who over-thinks things. Praying all goes well for Lila tomorrow. She'll be great! (And I have a feeling she'll be a funny woman, too, like her mama.)

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  82. You make me literally laugh out loud. When I read about your armpits "burning like the fiery bowels of hell" I couldnt keep it in any longer. I had to share it with hubby who was laughing just as hard as I was. (Sorry, I had to).
    Love your blog:)
    XO,
    Sarah
    handbagsnpigtails.blogspot.com

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  83. i just want to remind you that you are an amazzzzing mom. your sweet lila is going to be perfectly fine. praise God for your determination to seek out answers for her! you're doing a great job. love love love.

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  84. just recently landed on your blog-- you are such a breath of fresh air. don't ever stop being so brutally honest. welcome to the mommy guilt-- just wait until the first near-death experience. it's tough. and i LOVE hearing you talk through your crazy preggo hormones. first thing i want to ask God in heaven....why do we get so protective of our food when we're pregnant?!

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  85. sucky friend alert, i am JUST now reading this post.

    You are an awesome Mama. And just think about hearing her first WHOLE sentence. Cause it will happen super fast after surgery. I have heard that from several friends {see you are not alone}...

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  86. Find a new pediatrician and sue the one that ignored her ear problems. The ENT said any doctor should have recognized the problem much earlier. That is medical malpractice. You aren't at fault, you took your daughter to a doctor and they were incompetent. How could you know? It's unacceptable and they should be held accountable. Always go with a mother's instincts, they are usually right. And you did, you found another doctor and got your daughter the help she needed. I'd say that's being a pretty good mom to me.

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  87. Thank you Jami for these!! Yesterday, my daughter J'Lee was having an okay day. We had some meltdowns, but while we were looking around the mall, she was trying to act grown-up by saying mom, this would go great in your office and picking up the heaviest, breakable item in the store. I turned to her and said one of these lines. Her face lit up, it was the most precious thing ever. Thank you Jami for reminding me that our babies need unconditional love all the time no matter what!

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