well. hmm. how do i start this.
we walked into our first baby appointment last monday full of excitement and left knowing that there was no heartbeat in our little peanut. we were disappointed obviously... i cried when my sister started crying (we randomly had the same appointment time with the same doctor). i could see the nurse that checked me in crying in the hallway too. it was one of those out of body experiences...like you're running so fast in a certain direction and you slam into a wall at 100 miles per hour.
on wednesday, we did some more blood work...where it confirmed that my hormone levels weren't where they needed to be. and so now i am just waiting to miscarry. i am hoping to do it naturally for a lot of reasons. one being that we aren't covered for maternity insurance until december. we found that little tidbit out after i've already gone to a couple appointments, did all that bloodwork and had a sonogram. mmm, can't wait for that bill.
i will say this about the whole thing. if you know nato and i, you know we've been through a hell of a lot worse than this. it's not like i am not sad that we lost the baby. every life is important. it's a sickening feeling to think of a life lost.
but when i compare it to the devastation of the affair and going through that, this pales in comparison. and when i think about losing the baby later in the pregnancy, i feel lucky that our peanut was taken away this early.
i am very grateful for the two healthy babies we already have.
and that nato and i are still together to try and make more babies.
and that our friends and family have been incredibly supportive.
so emotionally, we are doing well. but i am angry that i am still nauseous and that i'm not producing life. i feel like my sickness has no purpose. and i also already gained 8 lbs in 8 weeks because the only thing that makes me feel better is eating. like i was in church today and all i could think about during the sermon was a hamburger pizza from minsky's. how embarrassing. my hormones are still going nuts... i want to turn the hormone faucet off.
so please pray for me this week if you think about it. i am ready to be done with this, but know that i have a long ways to go. ugggggg.