Sunday, June 27, 2010

our peanut didn't make it.

well. hmm. how do i start this.

we walked into our first baby appointment last monday full of excitement and left knowing that there was no heartbeat in our little peanut. we were disappointed obviously... i cried when my sister started crying (we randomly had the same appointment time with the same doctor). i could see the nurse that checked me in crying in the hallway too. it was one of those out of body experiences...like you're running so fast in a certain direction and you slam into a wall at 100 miles per hour.

on wednesday, we did some more blood work...where it confirmed that my hormone levels weren't where they needed to be. and so now i am just waiting to miscarry. i am hoping to do it naturally for a lot of reasons. one being that we aren't covered for maternity insurance until december. we found that little tidbit out after i've already gone to a couple appointments, did all that bloodwork and had a sonogram. mmm, can't wait for that bill.

i will say this about the whole thing. if you know nato and i, you know we've been through a hell of a lot worse than this. it's not like i am not sad that we lost the baby. every life is important. it's a sickening feeling to think of a life lost.

but when i compare it to the devastation of the affair and going through that, this pales in comparison. and when i think about losing the baby later in the pregnancy, i feel lucky that our peanut was taken away this early.

i am very grateful for the two healthy babies we already have.
and that nato and i are still together to try and make more babies.
and that our friends and family have been incredibly supportive.

so emotionally, we are doing well. but i am angry that i am still nauseous and that i'm not producing life. i feel like my sickness has no purpose. and i also already gained 8 lbs in 8 weeks because the only thing that makes me feel better is eating. like i was in church today and all i could think about during the sermon was a hamburger pizza from minsky's. how embarrassing. my hormones are still going nuts... i want to turn the hormone faucet off.

so please pray for me this week if you think about it. i am ready to be done with this, but know that i have a long ways to go. ugggggg.

24 comments:

  1. pray pray pray. got it. check. all the way from VA.

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  2. Oh, Jami. I am so sorry for your loss. I am thinking and praying for you. Most of all, I am hoping that your sickness goes away quickly.

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  3. praying for you dear friend!

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  4. Oh dear. I'm real sad to hear this, but as always, you have a lovely perspective. We'll be praying for your sweet family.

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  5. Praying for all of the above! Love you!

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  6. Praying, Praying, and more Praying! I hope things progress naturally and that you begin to feel better soon. So sorry to hear this sad news Jami, you and your hubby are in my thoughts.

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  7. Praying for you this week!

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  8. definitely praying for you. loved seeing all your thankful fors.

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  9. i think you should indulge that thought for hamburger minskys pizza. delish. what's another 8 pounds?

    praying for you ALWAYS. :)

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  10. You are definitely in my prayers. {hug}

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  11. ugh, it made my stomach hurt to read your post. I am sorry! I will be praying for you and your family. Rest in HIM!

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  12. it will get better. and now you have another chapter in your story to minister to others with. i love you.

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  13. lots of love and prayers being sent your way!!

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  14. still praying for you...
    i'm with emily on the indulging. in fact i can bring you one of those delicious pizzas on friday :)
    get some rest and let me know if there is anything i can do to help. i'd love to get your munchkins for the day :)
    love, jenn

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  15. Praying for you guys... So sorry.

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  16. Jami- i am praying for you. we lost our 3rd baby too. it is so hard...wish i could deliver you a pizza too.

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  17. Praying for you all. You let us know if you need anything.

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  18. Prayers and love for the Natos. Let me know if you're still craving Minsky's on Wednesday and that's what I'll bring over.

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  19. Sending a cyber hug your way. I know how I am feeling physically with 1st trimester blah and can't even wrap my mind around you adding the emotional spin of learning of losing the babe. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to be of help - provide a meal, take the kiddos to the park, anything. Praying for you and your family!

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  20. praying. i'll go to minski's with you!

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  21. I'm sorry. I will pray for you--and know that it's nothing you can control! We had a couple miscarriages ourselves here and it stinks, but it makes the pregnancies that make it so much sweeter.

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  22. you all are so sweet. i love that you guys are concerned about me getting minsky's pizza. don't worry...i totally rocked it sunday night. it was DELISH.

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  23. My heart goes out to you guys!!
    I don't know if you know who I am but if you know Michelle's best bud Stephanie Payzant Stout, I'm her sister. I've been a follower of your blog and love reading your posts. You are so creative and love your photography, I too am a photographer.
    Anyways, just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. I went through the same thing a little over a year ago. It sucks, being sick and knowing it's for nothing. I hate and hated that miscarriage. I'm praying for you and praying that it will be a natural process.

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  24. I'll be praying for you from California :)

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